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PenguinDreams 03-15-2011 01:40 PM

Bloggy Thing
Sometimes I just need somewhere to vent and navel-gaze and post self-indulgent musings and whinging that don't necessarily deserve responses and certainly not their own thread.

So I have this weird thing about what I'll call "other people cooties". It's probably best described as my aversion to residual energy from people who have invaded my space. I often find it hard to reclaim physical space or objects that have been tainted with other people cooties because I don't want to go near it to infuse it with my energy or new memories. For example, the building management where I used to live decided that everyone was getting new toilets so I had to let the plumbing contractors into my bathroom. They came early in the morning just after I'd had about a pot of coffee. They left about an hour later. In spite of the pot of coffee I couldn't use my bathroom until late that evening and I still really didn't want to go in there but nature just couldn't wait any longer.

Sometimes when C comes back from being with someone else I get the other people cooties feeling and I don't want to touch him. Sometimes it takes a shower and a full 24 hours before I want to be near him again. My couch is contaminated with other people cooties now and has been for about three weeks. I have no idea how that's going to go away because I can't even think about sitting on it myself. Yeah, I might be a little neurotic.

I worry that once I move out C isn't going to see me. We'll be living about an hour apart and when he moves he'll be somewhere close to Misty. He's specifically choosing a place based on proximity to her, it just happens to be close to where he works. He's also going to have to get a second job and it will probably not be regular office hours like mine so when I'm off on weekends he'll likely be busy. I have serious doubts that he'd want to make the effort to go so far out of his way to see me. I'm starting to think that I'm just kidding myself by thinking we'll have anything more than an occasional friends with benefits arrangement.

I emailed Misty yesterday and she told C she'd received it but haven't heard back from her yet. Last night when he got home from being with her she texted to say something about C's being more available not coming soon enough. C said she didn't mean it the way I interpreted it but I got the impression she's eager for me to move out so she can come over to spend the night. They can't spend the night where she lives and even if I was okay with her sleeping in my bed (I'm not - see other people cooties above) I'd have nowhere else to go so they can be alone. Not that I want to give up a single night with C, but I'm just so sick of feeling like I'm in the way I suggested he take her somewhere for a weekend and get a cabin or a hotel. It's not that I'm that generous or selfless but it might alleviate some of my anxiety about being the obstacle and I'd at least feel like contributed all I could. C didn't take me up on it saying he knew I was offering more than I could deal with. He's a good guy sometimes.

jasminegld 03-15-2011 05:59 PM

Are you coming to Atlanta Poly Weekend?
March 25-27


PenguinDreams 03-15-2011 08:00 PM

No. I have a whole list of excuses:

It's a little more than I'm willing to spend and I'm not really sure I'd be comfortable there.

I don't actually live in Atlanta yet, I'm about two hours away although I commute for work. The thought of going all the way down to the airport sounds like a little more driving than I want to do on a day off.

I was sort of considering going to the meet-up even if I had to go alone but then I realized everyone would probably be attending the conference afterwards and I thought I might feel left out if I happened to not be totally out of my element.

Are you going?

jasminegld 03-15-2011 09:14 PM

Yes, I'm going to the conference.

PenguinDreams 03-16-2011 01:18 PM

I'm not quite sure why the phone call bothered me last night. Maybe I should have just said that. "I'm upset that you talked to her for so long but I don't know why so just let me go to sleep and we'll talk about it tomorrow." That wouldn't have been so hard, would it? But for whatever reason I was so sure that saying I was upset that he talked to her wouldn't be okay that instead I said I was frustrated that she doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with me and I was scared that once I moved out we wouldn't see each other anymore. That went over at least as well as the real sentiment would have, wasn't quite what I wanted to say and still ended in a little tiff.

It upset me that when C got home from spending the afternoon with Misty he said she looked perturbed when someone came up to him and started asking how I was doing. There's a group of people that meet regularly and know I'm his partner. They meet while I'm at work but I've seen them a few times for weekend events. Misty is part of the group but they don't know she's with C now. When I asked C about this he said he didn't know how Misty would feel about everyone knowing they were together. I guess it didn't occur to him to see how I might feel about that and that upset me.

After a lot of reflection I can understand that Misty wants legitimacy and to not feel like a secret that has to be hidden away. I totally get that; I felt the same way when I first started my relationship with C. She should be able to have that if she decides she's comfortable having people know she's dating a guy who has a partner (for now). But that doesn't change my feelings of shame over people knowing and it doesn't make me feel any better about my opinion on the matter not even being considered. When C said he didn't know how Misty would feel about that I thought, what about how I feel? Don't I count?

But I didn't say anything. It just didn't seem important enough at the time. It was still bothering me though when she texted C just as I was going to bed. He told me he was going to go into the next room and call her, he held me a minute and kissed me and then spent two hours on the phone with her while I laid awake unable to sleep. Why does it bother me so much? Is it because despite the affection he gave me before he talked to her I resent that they can spend the afternoon together and still have things to talk about but when C comes from work I get the executive summary of his day before he dives into the computer? Is it that I'm envious of the time and excitement between them? Maybe I'm just scared of not getting anything but leftovers from C because I know he loves her more. No really, he does. I asked him, expecting the standard "different but equal" answer but he actually told me he loves her more. Or could it be that I just feel left out? I had expressed a desire to be present as their relationship developed because without that it just doesn't seem real to me and it's jarring when I'm suddenly confronted with the fact that he has someone else and I have no idea what really goes on between them.

Very recently when C and I were talking about getting back together after a big fight and a brief break-up, I said I was coming to recognize the difference between attachment and love and I was coming to love him from a place that just wants his happiness and fulfillment even when that doesn't come from me or have anything to do with me. It was a new and fragile realization and it was damaged by his response of pushing me away and saying some very hurtful things that he later said weren't entirely true. He does that. When he's lashing out he manipulates the truth and frames it in a way that isn't accurate. But if I felt that selfless love before, where is it now? If he says he's happy in his relationship with Misty shouldn't I just be happy for him? I had said that I accepted that he had intimacies with other people that I wasn't involved with in any way and I meant it when I said it. Now it just bothers me again. Maybe it was only the break-up talking.

PenguinDreams 03-21-2011 02:59 PM

I keep hearing, "go at the pace of the person who is struggling the most". Up until just recently I was the one struggling the most and was never afforded the luxury of having my struggles catered to. So why does Misty get treated with kid gloves?

I'm really not sure how to respond to what she says she wants. She says she's uncomfortable with coming over to our house because of me. She doesn't want to be affectionate with him, let alone intimate, in front of me and she doesn't want to see him be affectionate with me. She's really hoping I'll move out soon so she can come over and spend the night with him. To me, she has the look of a vulture circling a dead carcass.

How do you deal with someone who has no problems moving very quickly in their relationship with one person while trying to deny that that person also has another lover? Hell, I'm not asking or wanting to do things with C in front of her that she doesn't want to see but using that as an excuse to not go out to dinner or a movie or come over to our home even for a few minutes just sounds like denial to me. Even C has told me she's said things to him that give him the impression of a cowgirl but I'm still the one who gets verbally beat up for not giving her the benefit of the doubt and reciprocating with vulnerability and charity. I'm so sick of this. I don't really see any point in continuing communication with her.

But C and I had a nice time together this weekend. We went out to a nearby lake and sat there talking, watching the ducks and the bugs. He tells me he thinks he's becoming a sociopath and I think I agree.

jasminegld 03-22-2011 10:49 PM


Originally Posted by PenguinDreams (Post 72089)
How do you deal with someone ...

Ulitmately, the only person you have any influence over is yourself. Be the best person you know how to be, the person you want to be. Behave in a manner that makes you feel proud of yourself. The most important thing is that you can look at yourself in the mirror and say "Well done!"

Imagine yourself 10 years from now, 20 years from now, looking back at this situation. Which decisions and behaviors will your older and wiser self remember and say "Well done!"?


Originally Posted by PenguinDreams (Post 72089)
But C and I had a nice time together this weekend. We went out to a nearby lake and sat there talking, watching the ducks and the bugs.

Now THIS was a good plan.


PenguinDreams 03-23-2011 01:31 PM

I don't know how proud I'll be of any part of this relationship in 10 or 20 years. I don't know how proud I"ll be of the email I sent her yesterday but it sure did make me feel better.

My relationship with C is almost over and I can feel myself starting to disengage from him already. I'll move out in a few months and I won't see much of him anymore, if at all. It doesn't matter very much to me anymore if he's spending time with me or out doing other things and Misty has made it pretty clear that our paths never need to cross. So I expressed my frustration and hurt and told her I'm done trying to reach out to her since I don't feel my efforts are being reciprocated and I find it pretty offensive that she will share a lover with me but only if she can pretend I don't exist.

It feels freeing. I don't have to worry about the poly anymore or making it work or not withdrawing when I'm hurt and scared and really want to hide. I don't have to strive to make C happy so he'll want spend time with me. I don't have to talk about her or hear about her or wonder how they're doing and how that might affect me. I still love him but I can't live like this.

I don't belong here. I'm monogamous and I never want to be in another poly relationship. But I keep being drawn to this place. Like I still have unresolved issues, maybe? Or I still need it to get through the last throes of my time with C? I don't know, but thanks for your input jasminegld. It's nice to know someone is listening.

jasminegld 03-23-2011 03:24 PM


Originally Posted by PenguinDreams (Post 72454)
I'm monogamous and I never want to be in another poly relationship. But I keep being drawn to this place. Like I still have unresolved issues, maybe? Or I still need it to get through the last throes of my time with C? I don't know, but thanks for your input jasminegld. It's nice to know someone is listening.

You are welcome. You belong here as long as you want to be here. The poly community supports monogamous people too.

It's good to figure out what you want in a future relationship, to know what standards to set for yourself, what questions to ask before getting serious.


BlackUnicorn 03-23-2011 04:31 PM

I hesitate whether to say this since I don't know you or your story, PenguinDreams, but it seems that breaking up is a very good decision. Based on just what you've told about him in this thread, it seems your partner is a serial monogamist, not poly, and uses poly as a catchword to justify his unjustifiable actions. You have not been in a polyamorous relationship, it seems to me, just in a very wounding one.

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