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-   -   New to board, not to poly... and need help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=778)

justin 09-14-2009 10:31 PM

New to board, not to poly... and need help
 
I have been in a poly relationship for the last 5 and half years. It has gone through many different transitions and now in the middle of another; but feeling much more unmanageable than in the past.

Current situation: I am in a V poly relationship with my wife of 12 years (together for 17) and my lover of 5.5 years. My lover has been dating and has decided she wants a primary.

History: We were a quad, two couples, but the other couple divorced. He chose to leave the relationship and the three of us continued. We were a triad for about a year, but that was not working and transitioned to a V with many bumps along the way. My girlfriend has always been clear since her divorce that she wants a primary and both my wife and I have been supportive of her doing that.

Problem: She has been dating over the last year and getting more and more serious. She recently has started dating a man (whom I have never met) and has been becoming intimate with him over the last two months. She has shared she believes she is falling in love with him. Unfortunately, she has chosen not to tell him about us, or her relationships she has currently. I have stated I disagreed with this, but felt it was her decision to do so or not to do so; but never believed she would go so long without telling him. At this point, all relationships are being severely strained and I am very uncomfortable continuing to be open, share, sexual, and intimate with her as I feel she is holding out to see which one works better (this could be simply my fear and jealousy speaking). I am very uncomfortable with spending time with her in an intimate fashion and her telling her new love that she is "with friends" or "has work to do."

My thought solution: I do not feel comfortable giving the "tell him or else" ultimatum as that seems like a power play. On the other hand, I do not feel comfortable continuing our relationship in an intimate fashion if she is building a monogamous relationship by withholding information. We have had this conversation (and awful fights) and she feels like I am trying to control her and I feel like I am asking for a decision from her to either commit to this relationship or to tell me she is no longer poly (or interested in this poly relationship) so she can explore her new relationship.

At this point I am thinking of giving it to the end of the week and if she has not come to something to cutting off all communication with her (as I at this point, hopefully with a little time this could be different) can not be just friends and do not want to be. I will need time to mourn the loss of someone I love deeply. She meets with her therapist tomorrow and asked to have some time to decide (she has been saying this for over three weeks now) so I figure till the end of the week for her to address it is reasonable.

My problem is that in the meantime she is acting like nothing is wrong, asking me out, wanting to have sex and go out and do all the things we normally do (and plan for things in the months to come) and I feel like a sham going along with it.

In the end, I believe she is struggling with whether she is poly or not (she has told me this and this is what I have feared over the last month). Whether she will have her needs met better in a monogamous relationship. I understand that, but I can't ride this yo-yo any longer while she decides. Am I unfair to ask her to commit or move on?

It affects so many peoples lives and I do not feel its fair for me to make the decision alone, but I don't feel like others are making a decision but just waiting it out to see what happens.

Sorry for the length; but I am at a complete loss.

NeonKaos 09-14-2009 10:38 PM

It doesn't sound unfair to me the way you have described things in your post. You seem to have thought this through and done your part with communicating your needs and your reservations. I think you should do what you feel you must do.

The poor other guy though.

justin 09-14-2009 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 6927)
It doesn't sound unfair to me the way you have described things in your post. You seem to have thought this through and done your part with communicating your needs and your reservations. I think you should do what you feel you must do.

The poor other guy though.

I think of the other guy (whom I again never met) and think this is so unfair to. While I am very jealous, I do not want to see him go through any unnecessary heart ache either. I just feel like we are hitting a nexus point (they are starting to discuss family, meeting family, and holidays coming up) and this just all feels so wrong.

And, to be fair - the last two weeks have shown some of the ugliest sides of both her and myself. While I hope we are through that, I do not want to end a 5.5 year wonderful relationship with ruin and destruction. I would rather walk away keeping the wonderful memories in tact, something we have not been doing recently and I regret.

To be fair to her, her view is that she wants a primary and someone to live with. She questions if that is possible if she remains in this relationship and I believe this is her way of testing that belief out. It is just really too painful to bear witness to for me though. I wish I was stronger for her. I know she loves me and she is clear she doesn't ever want me out of her life; but she doesn't know what that means right now.

NeonKaos 09-14-2009 10:51 PM

What's your wife's standpoint on all this?

justin 09-14-2009 10:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 6930)
What's your wife's standpoint on all this?

I always hate speaking for others. I always feel as much as I try, I will not really capture their perspective accurately. But I will do my best.

My wife has lost a lot of respect for my girlfriend due to past situations like these. My wife has stated she doesn't trust her and feels she is reckless with peoples hearts and that I have often been pulled into her recklessness (which I believe my wife to be right about). With that all said my wife's final words were:

I think if you stay with her she is going to be reckless and hurt you. If you draw the line in the sand, I think she is going to act out. I will be there for you in either decision. I don't think there is a good decision anymore, and I am sorry for you as I see how much pain you are going through. In the end, you are the adult and she is the child and that is how your relationship together has always been. You wanted a peer and even now she isn't stepping up. You are going to have to make the decision by yourself, something I know you hate to do.

Fidelia 09-14-2009 11:53 PM

Hi, Justin, and welcome to the forum.

I'm feeling your pain, BrotherMan, :( and I am so sorry you are in this untenable position. Here is my two cents worth (not that it's necessarily worth even that much):

Your gf is behaving deceptively in her dealings with her new lover, and it is completely reasonable that you are uncomfortable with that. I personally cannot tolerate it when someone says one thing and does another. If I were in your shoes, I would be taking a "time out" while she decides what course of action she wants to pursue.

But (completely IMO) I think it is entirely possible she's already decided, in that she has decided not to decide. And by acting as if there is no issue at hand, she's trying to get you to go alone with her non-decision.

If it were me, I would hold her accountable, and, again, I would insist on a "time out" until she makes a choice. Then again, I might just kick her to the curb now and resolve to invest my time and energy in people who live truthfully.

Because the house of cards she is building cannot long stand. :(

Sorry to sound so harsh, but the thing is what it is. And of course it's easy for me to say what I'd do. I don't have my heart and 5 years invested in her.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide.

NeonKaos 09-15-2009 12:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justin (Post 6931)
With that all said my wife's final words were:

I think if you stay with her she is going to be reckless and hurt you. If you draw the line in the sand, I think she is going to act out. I will be there for you in either decision. I don't think there is a good decision anymore, and I am sorry for you as I see how much pain you are going through. In the end, you are the adult and she is the child and that is how your relationship together has always been. You wanted a peer and even now she isn't stepping up. You are going to have to make the decision by yourself, something I know you hate to do.

Your wife sounds like a smart lady. You should listen to your wife ;)

Also, I now see prob'ly why it went from a triad to a V.

Oh shit, that rhymes! I'm doing it again.

justin 09-15-2009 01:25 AM

It's done. I spent all day debating what to do, talked to friends, posted here. How can the right decision feel so wrong. We agreed to cut off contact until Thursday when we will meet for breakfast... but it is pretty much done I think. She said she is leaning towards being mono. So... for now its beer and tears.

justin 09-15-2009 01:39 AM

My wife just read this thread with me and said:

"Women and directions. Women and directions. When will you learn to listen to me about women and directions?"

I love her.

NeonKaos 09-15-2009 01:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by justin (Post 6946)
My wife just read this thread with me and said:

"Women and directions. Women and directions. When will you learn to listen to me about women and directions?"

I love her.


She doesn't hail from the planet Vulcan, by any chance?


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