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-   -   Questions of confusion, polyamory, and unicorns (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7754)

SaintAugust 03-14-2011 10:58 PM

Questions of confusion, polyamory, and unicorns
Here's the situation:
I am in a monogamous relationship that has been going on for more than a year. About a month ago, my girlfriend and I realized that our closest mutual friend (female) most likely has romantic interest in me, given our observations about how she has been acting towards me and the ever increasing sexual tension between me and the girl that both me and my girlfriend feel when all three of us are hanging out.

I think that this would be a fairly straight forward situation as these things go, except for one thing. About a week before we started suspecting she had feelings for me, something strange happened. My girlfriend and this girl are very close physically and emotionally. They were both cuddling on my girlfriend's bed (which is normal for them) when the girl started kissing my girlfriend. This took her completely by surprise, because to her knowledge, both of them were completely heterosexual. But it didn't just happen once. They were kissing on and off through the evening. My girlfriend and I were very confused why that happened, and were going to talk to the girl, but didn't know how to approach it. Thankfully what happened didn't change our interactions with her, and we all continued to hang out like normal. Then about a week ago, she kissed my girlfriend again when they were alone.

So now my girlfriend and I are trying to figure out what to do. It has become apparent that both me and my girlfriend need to talk with this girl, but we aren't sure how. It is highly probable that this girl likes me, and it is obvious that she feels something towards my girlfriend (whether this is just sexual, or maybe romantic as well, we have no idea).
My girlfriend is hesitantly open to the idea of a poly relationship (I say hesitantly because a) she has never really considered the idea before, b) she does not yet know how she feels about this girl: they are best friends and very close, so the possibility that romantic feelings on my girlfriend's part exist is there, hampered only by the fact that she has never had romantic feelings for a woman before, and doesn't know if she is capable, and c) she is afraid of losing me).

I have never considered myself poly before, but I find the idea of having a poly relationship with this girl appealing. There has always been romantic potential between her and I, but nothing ever came of it. What I do not want is to leave my girlfriend for this girl. I say there is romantic potential, but I have no concrete feelings at the moment. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about her.

If it turns out that this girl does indeed like both of us, and is open to the idea of poly, then we would probably start "dating" this girl to see if our close friendship grew into something more. But it's not like we are actively pursuing the idea of poly. It is one option among many that has been brought up after much deliberation between my girlfriend and I.

The problem right now is that we don't know how to bring all this up. I need to talk to her to figure out if she does have romantic feelings towards me. My girlfriend needs to talk to her to figure out the same thing. Who she has feelings for will determine the next step. And what if she does like both of us? How on earth do I bring up poly without making her feel undervalued, like just another girlfriend (shortchanging her), or sounding like a pervert, or giving her false hope?

This girl is incredibly important to both of us and the last thing we want is to alienate our friendship with her.

redpepper 03-14-2011 11:15 PM

There is a lot on unicorns here that might be helpful. It sounds like you might have some questions as to what might play out if you were to pursue this. If you do a tag search for "unicorns" you will find many threads.

As to approaching her on this, it sounds like she is sending a clear message, but maybe its just fun and playful and sexual... are you interested in a committed poly fi closed triad, a closed vee, an open poly relationship with her... what are your thoughts? It would be helpful to know. Then you can start from there and ask her what her thoughts are.

It seems important in any poly relationship that there is some openness to fluidity, to things going where they may and not having expectations and assumptions from the get go... at least until such time as there is movement towards that... it seems many people get hurt when it becomes evident that the bonds that once were for all change to other combinations. Being aware and taking the time necessary to evolve is important I think.

SNeacail 03-15-2011 12:02 AM

I think the first step would be to just sit down and talk to her. Acknowledge that she and your girlfriend have been pushing unfamiliar boundries and you care too much for her to have any missunderstandings be the cause for anyone getting hurt. Ask her where does she sees all the relationships going? What is she looking for? Hopefully that can open the door for further conversation about what each of you want.

SaintAugust 03-15-2011 06:27 AM

Its good advice. I suppose I've been thinking that I need to confront her with a solution, or my feelings. But just genuinely asking her what she wants out of these relationships is a good idea.

As for what I want. If she is interested in poly, and my gf goes for the idea, I certainly wouldn't mind trying a poly-fi, or maybe a v that would turn into a poly-fi (as to who the pivot would be, I'm not sure). The thought is very appealing, but I honestly don't know if it's a good idea (by good idea, I mean I'm scared that it would not only ruin our friendship, but possibly ruin my relationship with my gf). I have a perfectly good relationship with my gf, and I don't feel as if I NEED another relationship.

But if the option was there, and it was good, I think I would try it.

nycindie 03-16-2011 12:30 AM

What I find quite strange is that your girlfriend didn't say anything at the moment that she kissed her. You make it sound like they kissed several times and your girlfriend just went along with it, but now she's questioning what happened after the fact. I mean, huh? Was it a short kiss or a makeout session? It doesn't make sense to act as if their kissing was ... oh, I don't know, like she was just tying her shoelaces or something. Why wouldn't she have spoken up in the moment and said, "Hey! What's happening? You like me that way? I'm not sure how I feel about this..." yadda, yadda. Really, now it's something to confront? Now you're worried about alienating her? Your girlfriend basically just let her have her way with her. You were both confused that night but didn't say anything? I'm perplexed! What's up with that shit?

Magdlyn 03-16-2011 03:32 AM

I was wondering the same thing Cindie. Why did St August's gf just go along with it?

SaintAugust 03-16-2011 04:02 AM

Trust me, I was wondering the same thing. Apparently she was curious. The first time she was caught off guard (she doesn't handle getting caught off guard very well, she freezes in that situation). But when it happened again, she decided to try it. She has told me before that she was curious if she could ever kiss a girl.

As to the types of kisses, they weren't making out, or hot and heavy. Just simple, gentle kisses from what I've been told.

Anyway, this kissing isn't the huge part. It's just that in conjunction with everything else. If there was no evidence that this girl liked me, my gf was just going to test the waters and talk to her when the moment was right. But since she does seem to like me as well, which has become evident enough in the past week (before it was only a strong suspicion), it seems like something that should be confronted, and not just let it go where it goes. And by confronting, I mean seeing how everyone feels, and how everyone, especially this girl, want these relationships to go.

As to why we didn't say anything. I found out about it after the girl had left. And frankly I was confused, exited, and a bit scared. So was my gf. One thing I have learned about myself, though, is that I handle these situations better when I am not running on strong emotions. So I decided to just wait it out on my part. My gf said that she would talk to the girl when she was ready, because she had to work out her own feelings first. And then school got in the way, and we didn't see each other for a while. And then when we did see her, nothing seemed abnormal, so the immediacy of the situation seemed to lessen. Basically, it just dragged, with no one really wanting to say anything. Not the best way to handle it, I know that now. But we did, and now this is where I'm at.

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