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-   -   Petulant (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7749)

Eloise 03-14-2011 10:33 PM

Petulant
 
So I am the unicorn of the married couple. And I am not bi. And she is. And he is not.
He is fun and gentle and kind. She is needy and lazy, plays at being an artist, used to being the center of attention, acts like a child.
Plus they are swingers.
I am not so much but I did want to try.
And so there was another nice couple they knew.
But the day we were invited to join them for the day, I had to study for an exam. They had been together plenty of times and nothing happened. Of course something happened. The other couple engaged mine.

And when I heard this, I felt as if I had been rejected. And excluded. And even though it hadn't been planned, I felt like the second place loser, the second choice. The leftover.
And for some reason I raged.
And hit the wall with my fist.
And I don't do that at a habit.
I don't know why, but I hurt, and it was like all my efforts, all the respect, the self control, the sacrifices I made to succeed in school, were superfluous.
I'm a science major. I study chemistry.
The other person wins praise and accolades for her crappy art. And it is crap. And she's cute and she's sweet and men and women are sexually attracted to her.
And I am alarmingly self-sufficient...and I put up my needs, my emotional wants, to get through this particular course because it's tough on me.

So I don't know why I hurt so much suddenly. And I screamed and slammed and pounded. Why I broke self control... why it hurt so much....

I suddenly don't want to be friends with this other couple anymore either.

I feel awful. I feel immature. I don't know what to do.

Magdlyn 03-14-2011 10:40 PM

Welcome to the board, Eloise. Sounds like 2 things are going on here.

1) You're a unicorn and you don't like one of your partners.

2) You're jealous your couple had sex with another couple.

Successful unicorn/couple relationships are extremely rare. It does usually happen you like one person of the couple better than the other.

Also, do you feel forced to have girl on girl sex with the woman when you are not bi and don't desire it?

But, it does sound like you are jealous "your" couple had casual sex with another couple. Did you talk to them about it? I am sorry you got so angry you hit a wall. Literally.

NeonKaos 03-14-2011 10:50 PM

I hate to point out the obvious, but you're not a "unicorn" if you're not bi (or pan).

I wish people would stop using the term "unicorn" where it does not apply.

Eloise 03-14-2011 11:39 PM

Thank you.

That sounds about right.
Not to say I'm proud of it.
I thought I was over wall punching in my teenage days.

Although the strange part is, I knew the other couple, albeit platonic.

When I talked to "my couple"
I got an earful of how long it had been since they had fun
And it wasn't planned on
and they didn't make the first move anyway
and they were all friends
so what did it matter
and "next time" I could do something with the male friend.

I don't think
I want that sort of selective inclusion
I admit the other couple were attractive
but I lost my taste for them in that context.

I am also thinking that
20 hour study days
are beginning to affect my ability to cope
big time

And as for not liking of the partner so much
she has become more mature
and more attractive
and more likeable to others
because, I am told,
I hold her accountable
I just didn't think I'd sign on
to raise a child 10 years my senior

Maybe that's a factor. She did improve due to me
and she reaps all the reward
and I feel forgotten.

I don't like these feelings of jealousy.
of hurting
I studied 18 hours a day, 7 days for 21 days. This on top of classes.
I don't think I have anything left.
Maybe that why I burst like a dam.

Eloise 03-14-2011 11:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 70934)
I hate to point out the obvious, but you're not a "unicorn" if you're not bi (or pan).

I wish people would stop using the term "unicorn" where it does not apply.

If it were obvious, rest assured I would not use such a term. I only use it because I was told by several people. Perhaps they don't know either.

Catfish 03-15-2011 01:34 AM

Welcome. Welcome.

Sounds like you need some R&R. Just sayin.

SourGirl 03-15-2011 01:53 AM

Warm Welcome
 
Eloise,

Thanks for sharing your story so candidly,... I think we as people, get so 'worried' about appearing like anything less then patient and proper beings, we forget that there is a need for physical vent, or physical release sometimes.
Your thread here, 'owns' this. I appreciate the candor.

You didnt hurt people, scare people, or threaten anyone. Don`t 'beat' yourself up to much, ( puns, puns everywhere puns..) about feeling a need for a physical vent.

I hope you continue expressing your thoughts and feelings here. I think you offer a very valuable, and unique perspective that people looking for v`s and triads could learn from.



P.S. -Unicorn is over-rated anyhow. Xanthus and Kelpies are where it`s at. ;)

Tonberry 03-15-2011 02:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eloise (Post 70930)
And when I heard this, I felt as if I had been rejected. And excluded. And even though it hadn't been planned, I felt like the second place loser, the second choice. The leftover.

Couldn't it be the reason? Did they go there without the intention to engage anyone, and yet did and told you after the fact?
I would feel terrible if that happened to me. The first rule with my boyfriend is to keep each other informed before anything happens, as soon as possible. Even just a text as you meet someone.
If they told you after the fact, it would make sense to feel like they don't care about your opinion since they made the decision without telling you about it until after the fact.

But maybe they don't realise you feel this way. I would suggest talking about your boundaries. There is nothing you can do about the past, but you can let them know that in the future, you would like to be told beforehand if something is going to happen, and that being told afterwards made you feel like you were an afterthought or something.

Or is it something different? Maybe you feel bad because they were with someone without you? Would it matter if you had known beforehand? Would it have changed anything?

Whatever it is that upset you, it's a good idea to figure it out and let them know. They can't guess what pushes your buttons, after all, maybe they work differently.

Magdlyn 03-15-2011 04:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eloise (Post 70948)
I studied 18 hours a day, 7 days for 21 days. This on top of classes.
I don't think I have anything left.
Maybe that why I burst like a dam.

Shit, that is some tough work. One of my lovers is a recent college grad and I just wouldnt hear from him for weeks at a time around exam time. It's too much. Finish up, take a rest, and reconsider this relationship when you can really afford to put energy into it, maybe?

Breathesgirl 03-15-2011 09:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 71008)
Shit, that is some tough work. One of my lovers is a recent college grad and I just wouldnt hear from him for weeks at a time around exam time. It's too much. Finish up, take a rest, and reconsider this relationship when you can really afford to put energy into it, maybe?

Agreed. You're short on personal time, short on sleep. Being short on sleep tends to leave ME short tempered as well

Might I suggest maybe taking a weekend and doing NOTHING but pampering yourself? No studying! Treat yourself to a spa day, have a girl's night/day out, retail therapy, take a walk in the park, sleep, sleep and more sleep!


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