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-   -   how much to advertise/boundaries. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7721)

brambles38 03-14-2011 01:18 AM

how much to advertise/boundaries.
I am curious about other perspectives.

Say you were considering someone as a primary but still working out what you want from one another.. how would you feel about them stating on their FB info that they are looking for many lovers?

In theory, I am ok with it. But at a gut level it puts me off and bothers me. I can't quite figure out why. I don't want to make a fuss about it to my lover but I don't want to ignore my feelings either.

It feels like there is something careless or unfeeling about advertising for new people like that. And seems a bit disrespectful to one's current lover/s. But I am also open to new people so what is the difference?

I am still very carefully weighing if the poly life is right for me. Maybe my concern is rooted in mono. point of view?


redpepper 03-14-2011 04:24 AM

I think if you are uncomfortable then you should come up with an alternative that you are more comfortable with and suggest it. Maybe re-wording it so that it says something similar and gets the point across but makes you feel more respectful. I'm not sure where on fb you say that you are interested in many lovers, so I don't know how this suggestion might help, but even on dating sites I have been known to ask PN how he feels about my wording on such matters. I never wanted him to feel less valuable and loved by my words. He helped me quite a bit with what I said back then, even if I just took a moment to consider his feelings and empathize with how it might feel if it were he writing it about himself. Maybe suggesting to your partner that they step back and emapthize will help at the very least.

nycindie 03-14-2011 04:28 AM

I wouldn't put much stock in a Facebook page. Some people don't update their status often, and realistically it isn't the ideal way to communicate. There is something... called... talking. ;)

redpepper 03-14-2011 05:57 AM

ohhhhh, it was a status up date? Ya, I still stand by what I say, a chat about how that made you feel and some offerings of how she could say things with more consideration towards your feelings, but ya, then let it go...

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