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-   -   Beauty of Boundaries (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=772)

MonoVCPHG 09-14-2009 03:04 AM

Beauty of Boundaries
This weekend Redpepper and me went to a BDSM event. I have always known that she and her husband and other Love have attended these but this was the first one since we met. I have never been to one and was very worried that it would be something that would hurt my connection with her. I was unclear about the sexual aspect of it and once again was wrong in my assumptions and imagination LOL! We had previously talked about how to make it safe and comfortable for me to attend. This was very important to Redpepper because, although this is a part of her life, she did not want to hurt our relationship by me getting “weirded out”.

We discussed in length the boundaries I needed to have in place and although her husband couldn’t attend, her and me went on short notice…she was very happy BTW! Her other Love was there as well as other poly friends of ours.

Redpepper was very clear with her other Love that she wasn’t able to play with him that night as I was taking baby steps LOL!! She was direct, clear and respectful. I was actually somewhat taken back by how black and white she applied the boundaries. The result was my own comfort was quickly established and we all had a great evening.

She played with me, and then I asked her if she wanted to play with her other Love and I spoke to him as well to reassure him I would be ok. He is very respectful of the commitment Redpepper and me have and is a very understanding friend. He was more than happy to be played with and Redpepper loved getting to because they have not seen each other for a long time. I still had certain boundaries about the level of sexual interaction I was ok with seeing and actually assisted her during the playtime a little. Next I asked her if she wanted me and her other Love to play with her and we all had a great night.

My point is, because she was so clear in applying the boundaries, I felt understood and respected. Because of this I became very comfortable fast. Now we are free to enjoy yet another aspect of her life.

I guess I just wanted to share this because it really affected me in a positive way.

On a side note…I wore a leash and collar, which Redpepper held all night, and had “Owned” written on my back….I love embracing my mono nature with her! I am all hers and proud and honored to be considered so important to her.

redpepper 09-14-2009 07:08 AM


Sunshinegrl 09-14-2009 07:18 AM

Sounds Like lots of fun was had by all! Nice to see there is a touch of poly creeping in too. ;)

cosmicfreedom7 09-14-2009 07:32 AM

It all sounds wonderful! I was excited for you being able to step into this new situation and be comfortable and now being able to explore different aspects. I know you both know how lucky you are but I shall point it out again...VERY lucky!

SilverPhoenix 09-14-2009 07:53 AM

The happiness in your wording and excitement almost made me tear up a little! :p It sounds like you had a lovely time and I'm a bit envious! Hehe, congrats on some ground gained and fun had!

NeonKaos 09-14-2009 12:35 PM

I went to one of those events a long time ago and I was WITH someone and in the whole sub get-up (collar, leash, etc.), and every time he would go to the bathroom or whatever people would come up and ask me if I was Dominant.

River 09-14-2009 02:46 PM

Hmm. Maybe Mono- will have to change that vanilla cracker picture on his posts?!

When it comes to BDSM, I'm happily virgin and vanilla. It's just not my cup of tea.

MonoVCPHG 09-14-2009 02:55 PM


Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl (Post 6857)
Sounds Like lots of fun was had by all! Nice to see there is a touch of poly creeping in too. ;)

We did have lots of fun. but there is definitely no poly creeping into me at all. In fact, one of my fears around this is that I might give the impression of being anything but monogamous and that perhaps my boundaries within our relationship were relaxing. Her other Love has always been a part of her life since before me. I am glad to be more comfortable around him in this way with Redpepper but still have the same requirements for polyfidelity towards other men. If anything those boundaries are becoming stronger the closer I get to Redppper.

Wow, even suggesting I was becoming more poly was a trigger for sure...interesting. Every now and then I am amazed at how natural I find my relationship although the concept of poly completely goes against my nature. I love Redpepper completely but know that without her I would I would easily migrate away from the poly and sex positive community because I am not a "natural fit"..I'm just not sure where I would end up anymore...alone I guess :confused:

MonoVCPHG 09-14-2009 02:58 PM


Originally Posted by JRiverMartin (Post 6881)

When it comes to BDSM, I'm happily virgin and vanilla. It's just not my cup of tea.

To be honest JRM, I don't get it in many ways. I found it fun but not exciting. Kinda like occassional bowling :D

River 09-14-2009 03:08 PM

Hmm. It seems the term "vanilla" (regards sex) is pretty vague.


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