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-   -   Beo's Log, Stardate....Today. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7690)

Beodude123 03-12-2011 04:11 PM

Beo's Log, Stardate....Today.
Since Jen has her own thing on here, I think I'll make my own, that way I can post updates without bogging hers down.

Anyways, I guess I'll start from the beginning, and kind of jump to now. I'm 28 years old, married to Jen for almost 7 years, and we have two kids. Girl and boy, 3 and 18 months respectively.

I had a friend at work that I became very close with quickly, and he came over a few times. He came over again in January, and we were all being flirty (drinking too). When we were going to bed, Jen asked if she could kiss him. Not really knowing what she meant, I said "sure". They pretty much proceeded to make out. I eventually said "okay okay", and we went to bed.

A couple days later, Jen and I were texting, and she said she found something called polyamory. She told me what it was about etc... I kind of had a hard time understanding it (still do haha), but she seemed pretty into it. So I said we could give it a try.

Jen isn't exactly the most patient person, and I hadn't really read much on here, so we pretty much bear blasted on into it. Kissing, playing around (no intercourse), the works. I kind of felt a little overwhelmed, but Jen kept reassuring me that everything was fine, and that she loves me. So we kept going.

The next time James came over, we had another threesome, and after I was done, I went out into the living room. I wasn't really doing anything, just kind of waiting for them to be done. Jen came in the room, and asked if they could do it. I said no, and she went back in the room. That kind of sent me off into a weird place. I stared at a vent pretty much the whole time, trying to figure out everything. The vent seemed good, because it had many sides, just like the situation.

We talked for a good while after, and I was feeling a bit more positive again. Jen and I kept talking, and we had very good communication about everything. I was still having trouble with a lot of things, but it seemed like I was working through them pretty well. Jealousy hadn't really reared it's ugly head, and Jen and I were closer than ever before.

A couple weeks later, she asked about the no intercourse boundary again. I told her I still wasn't really all that comfortable with it, and we talked about it for a while. I told her I was scared that it would diminish what we have. She said it wouldn't, and that the only way to get rid of the fear was to have it happen. I reluctantly said yes, since I knew it was going to keep coming up.

This whole time, I had kind of been back and forth between wanting poly to work for us, and not wanting it. I was feeling different myself. Kind of detached a bit, but not really all that bad. I was a bit more irritable as well. I had been drinking quite a bit, so that could have something to do with that... But more on that later.

Anyways, the day that James was going to come over, they ended up not doing it. It was a relief for me, but it was still on the table. I started feeling more detached, more tired, more irritable... Drinking more. We kept talking, but it wasn't quite on the level that it was before, or at least not as much. More back and forth on my part, which was tearing me up, because I'm usually a pretty solid person. When I make up my mind, it pretty much stays made up.

Fast forward to these last couple weeks. I had a long week at work, without much sleep, and on Friday J was coming over. Before he came, I told her I couldn't do it, that it was tearing me up. Bad timing, I know, but I couldn't help the way I felt. Jen said that we should just get through the night, and talk in the morning. We eventually decided that a month seemed fair to see if it would work. I told her I would try my best to remain positive, and off we went.

Jealousy started coming up at this point. J was coming over for dinner (which in itself didn't bother me, since I work swings), but the nice meals kind of made me -_-.... Not that she doesn't make me nice meals, but you know how it goes. You only really make note of it when it's for somebody else. More back and forths, more drinking, more tired.

James came over again on a Friday, but I was pretty tired (and feeling cranky), so I went to bed pretty early. I woke back up early, and couldn't go back to bed. I was feeling more disconnected with everything, and even kind of starting to feel uncomfortable at home. It kind of felt like Jen was a different person... Maybe it was me? We made love one time, and she said it didn't feel like I was there, like it was a different person. She said I had been aggressive, which wasn't like me. That hurt me a lot, since it got called off in the middle... A few days later, pretty much the same thing happened.

At this point I was feeling pretty crappy, since I felt emotionally disconnected, and now there was a physical disconnect. I didn't know what to do with myself at home. Usually I play games to relax, but I hadn't really been in the mood to play for a while. So when I needed to do something with my hands, I cleaned. It gave me something to do, at least, and kept my mind off things. At this point, I was pretty depressed about everything. I felt like I was losing Jen, and I was feeling a lot of anxiety about it.

So Thursday rolls around, and J came over for dinner. He didn't have to come in on the next shift, so he was at home when I got off. It was a pretty stressful day at work, and I was jamming pretty hard for about 7 hours straight. I came home exhausted, and jealousy was waiting for me. The nice dinner again, but food was left out. A couple of other things stressed me out even more. Jen was in the other room with J, and she wanted me to snuggle. I wanted to go to bed more than anything else, but I had obliged. I snuggled for about 1 minute and a half, on the dot. I wasn't feeling very comfortable, so I removed myself from the situation. I went out into the kitchen and cleaned up some things. My hands needed something to do... So I tried to keep them busy. After that, I climbed in bed, but I couldn't sleep. I sent Jen a couple of texts (she was still in the room with J) asking if she could come in the room. Her phone was wedged in something, and she didn't hear it. When I didn't get a response, I was pretty upset. I told her nevermind... Still nothing.

At that point, I was kind of freaking out. I couldn't stop moving my hands. So I went back out into the kitchen to do some more cleaning. I don't think it was very productive though. I hung up some keys, and wiped up a bit. Then I went back into bed. I couldn't sit still, so I asked Jen if she could come in. I spent about 10 minutes having a panic attack or something... Couldn't stop moving my hands.

After I calmed down, Jen said she couldn't do this to me, and told J it wasn't going to work. We both cried a lot, and went to bed. I was sort of happy that a very specific focus for my negativity was gone, but I was so tired I didn't have much time to reflect on it. The next day I get the kids in the morning, and I'm pretty much crying the whole morning. I felt like a terrible person. Jen had to give up something that made her happy for me. Since I can't be happy if Jen isn't happy.... I was trying to think of compromises. The panic attack really scared me, since I'm not the type of person that freaks out about things. I started to think about what I've been doing with my life.

After Jen got up, we talked a lot about everything. I could tell she was pretty sad about having to give it up. She said we would take a big step back. I told her I wanted to clear my head, and quit drinking, because I knew I had been drinking a lot. She was pretty upset that I didn't do that before, but I hadn't really thought about it, you know? The panic thing made me think a lot about everything. I really started realizing what I had been doing to myself, to J, and to Jen. Made me feel pretty terrible.

We talked a lot more, and decided that Jen needed to experience poly (especially sine it hadn't even been a month yet). Marriage is about compromises after all.

We haven't talked about what exactly is going to be on the plate for J and Jen, but this time it's going to be at my pace. I think jumping head first into everything was just too much for me to take. I always told Jen I wanted to make it work for us, because I could tell how happy it made her. So now we have to figure out what everybody is comfortable with...

Sorry for the book, but I figured I'd cover all the bases, and give an update on everything.

LovingRadiance 03-13-2011 12:28 AM


Beodude123 03-13-2011 02:24 AM

Not really, but I am a dork. So it works out. Haha

LovingRadiance 03-13-2011 04:28 AM

Haha, took me three times of reading the title to fgiure out it wasn't a typo. I actually read it OUT LOUD and then it clicked into my mind.
I haven't had television in 15 years. ;)

Beodude123 03-13-2011 04:55 AM

I've been doing a lot of pretty deep introspection the last couple days, and a word that has kind of popped into my head is codependancy. I'm pretty sure I am a codependant person. I think it contributes a lot of my fear of loss and change, no matter how irrational. Right now, it feels like I want to get as much of Jen's time as I can. She makes me happy, so why not, right?

But how does one battle that?

Beodude123 03-13-2011 06:21 AM

All I have to say, self realization is a pain! After much thinking today, I think I've made some good progress. I'll cut and paste the good bits from an email I sent to Jen... But I think I'm finally getting there.

From my mental flow chart, a lot of my issues are stemming from codependance. At least knowing that will help me start correcting the problem.

SNeacail 03-13-2011 06:35 AM


Originally Posted by Beodude123 (Post 70729)
All I have to say, self realization is a pain!

Isn't that the truth.

Beodude123 03-13-2011 06:30 PM

So yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm codependant. It's kind of always something that's been there, but it never really seemed to be a problem. But now, since I'm not the one-stop-shop for all that is man, I feel threatened by it.

At least knowledge of why I have been reacting the way I have will help me to combat it. It's definitely going to take some time for me to figure it all out, but from what I keep thinking, it's pretty much at the bottom. For all the things I feel, codependancy fits the reason.

The last few weeks I've been super clingy, which wasn't like me. I think that was me just trying to hang onto what I thought I had before... Which isn't fair to Jen, and it's not fair to me.

So now, to let go a bit. Instead of dreading the time she is away, I am working on cherisihing the time we do have. Besides, if I'm scared when she is away, I can't very well enjoy the time we do get together, and I have been feeling that (even though I was kind of putting it out of my head).

It's pretty hard being shaken down to your core. I felt like I had kind of lost sight of myself over the last few weeks. Because of everything that had happened, I think my body just went into self defense mode, and lashed out against it all. After figuring out I'm codependant, I kind of felt like I had gotten a piece of myself back, and felt empowered.

So, today is a new day, and I feel like I'll be able to be a better husband now.

Beodude123 03-14-2011 06:04 AM

Today has been kind of off and on for me. I've been having a hard time with not spending time with Jen, be it errands or naps or what not, but at least I know why I am feeling the way I am. I am feeling pretty empowered as far as the codependancy thing. While it still draws a lot of power from me, I know where it is coming from, and where it's going, so at least I understand.

I'm feeling more okay with Jen doing derby, and more okay with J being in the picture. I wish he'd be better with his communication, but to each their own right? I'm going to have a good talking with him tomorrow night, and see what happens.

It was kind a rough day for me, but it was a day I was able to deal with. The understanding helps a megaton, and allows me to be able to accept and cope with why I feel the way I do. It's going to take a lot of time, but I really feel like I'm on the path to healing right now. I'm not quite sure how all the poly stuff is going to end up. Not quite sure if I'll ever truly be okay with sex.. But for now, I'm in a good place.

I've also finally started to realize that Jen hasn't changed. My image of her has, but she has remained the same person. What I thought I needed of her has changed, but again, she is the same person. So I'm growing into another spot, another place in which I can be her rock. Because that's what I am. I'm a stable person, and the most important person to Jen. That's all I can ever be, no matter who comes and goes. I will always be there.

FlameKat 03-14-2011 06:09 AM


Originally Posted by Beodude123 (Post 70818)
I've also finally started to realize that Jen hasn't changed. My image of her has, but she has remained the same person. What I thought I needed of her has changed, but again, she is the same person. So I'm growing into another spot, another place in which I can be her rock. Because that's what I am. I'm a stable person, and the most important person to Jen. That's all I can ever be, no matter who comes and goes. I will always be there.

Big happy squeezy hugs for you... sounds like a good place to be :D

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