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Lovesilky21 03-11-2011 09:48 PM

Looking for Guidance
 
My very confusing thoughts, Iím not a hundred percent sure I will post this I probably will because itís been very hard on me to feel all of this, and I would like some kind of guidance, and I really have no idea where to find it other then stumbling upon these boards, Iíve been reading other post and am finding some very helpful, but still seeking my own advice.
My back ground/ situation.
I am in a monogamous relationship with my husband of almost 8 years (8 years this may), we have been together almost 10 year this April. Iím very committed to my husband and love him very very much. I have 2 young children with him, a 2 year old son and a 5 year old daughter.
Just recently my husband brought a friend into our lives. This person is a man, and the 3 of us get along very very well together. This man is a very loving guy. And as Iíve seen him more and more I found myself growing a certain amount of affection and attraction to him, which at first I really wasnít sure what to think of it. And as some more time has passed I find myself so drawn to this man. So I started mentioning/ talk to my husband about my feelings, more because I was confused and I didnít want to feel like I was hiding anything either, I am fair to honest it seems for my own good some times, but I hate to lie. And with having these feeling I havenít stopped loving my husband at all, in fact I would say I love him even more, which really made all of this that much more confusing. So with all of that I started trying to look up what this might be if it's even possible for a 3 person relationship, or to find some explanation or something that others have done or learned.
And with all of that came more talking with my husband, and my husband although he seemed ok with me liking this man or thinking about him does not like any idea of anything more coming of it. And Iím not sure if more time would help I mean I know it might, but I also know that my husband was an only child to a couple that is still very much married today, I think itís been somewhere close to 30 or maybe a bit more year. So all he has ever known is monogamy, and I am very much the same but I came from a broken parental structure, my parents divorced when I was 3, and I watched my mom be in and out of relationship and my dad, they both eventually remarried, and my mom was married to a man that I believe did love her although he was confused very much about himself because I believe now after her passing 8 years ago that he is now very much gay(but was even when she was around) but hides that from his parents as does one of his other brothers but I wont get into that, because itís their choose how they are and live. My father sadly from what I see is in a rather more unhappy marriage but he is older (60ís) and I donít think he want to be alone so well he tries to love her, although personal I donít see why she is very harsh. And the man the friend as he is now also came from a rather broken family upbringing, he really didnít know his dad, and he has had a step father, that he still knows.
I can see that my husband feel some sense of a threat to maybe his manly-ness, I mean I guessing its not EZ for him to hear that I am feel deeply for another. Part of how I feel for this man is in part that I see that my husband so enjoys him as well that these 2 get along very well, I love seeing them just talk to one another.
But the bigger picture is how my husband is feeling, and I tried to explain it to him that I didnít expect to feel this way that it just seems to have fallen into to this situation. And my hubby sees it as if I get this then what does he get, and I tried to explain that he could have a great male companion, for however long it lasts. Yes this relationship could and very likely might share some sexuality. I donít know also though if my husband sees this more worse off because him and I are all weíve both ever know sexually. And with me wanting this and explain it to my hubby, one more sour reaction he said was that he would feel then like he needed to go find someone else too, to make me feel the same, but Iím not trying to hurt him and that would be trying to hurt if he wanted to just doing it because, And I then had to say to him that I did not go looking for this, I really didnít this person just came into our live, more by my husband then by me.
I donít know where to even walk it feels like, Iíve flirted with this other man and although Iím not sure where he stands as to being monogamous or not, I do know that when I asked him if he was open minded he said yes, and that although he hasnít fully flirted back he has not shied away from my flirting, in fact I would and can say I make him smile often(p.s. he is very much single).
And to my husband I tried to explain that if it makes us more happy how is it wrong, but then he would say but if you go off and have sex with him and Iím doing nothing and I might be upset, I mean how do I, what do I say, how do some of you handle that? I mean weíre not to that point but if we did get there how could I make that more comfortable for him, not that Iím saying I would be fully comfortable the first time either, as Iím shy and any first sexual experience is or can be interesting to work though too. I mean my husband has it set that if anything did happen he does not want to be in the room as he puts it, he has no desire to be close to another man sexually, could that change with time? I mean some part of me would love them to be able to if it did come to it, but the other part of me very much would want them both comfortable and if they werenít comfortable with that then I donít want to push it.
Ok I think Iíve been wordy enough or have tried to get out as many of my thoughts and some questions that I can think to form, and I would be more then grateful for any helpful responses that you all have.
One last big question, does my husband have to be poly or could he remain mono, if that is how he feels comfortable with it?
Much Love and Thanks-
L
(if age plays a rule Iím 27, Hubby will be 30 in April, and said friend just turned 30)

nycindie 03-11-2011 10:28 PM

Whoa there! Breathe. That's right, take a deep breath. :) I think your mind has been racing ahead to all possible scenarios, but you might want to take it one step at a time.

First of all, you don't know if your mutual friend would want to get involved. The first thing would perhaps be to figure out how to broach the subject with him. Second of all, if your friend is interested, you can start out by asking your husband if it would be all right to just go on a coffee date with him alone. Ask if it would it be okay to just hold hands? Have a kiss? Take it slowly -- you might find that the attraction passes, so why think you have to jump into bed right away just because you realize you feel this way for him now? Let your husband feel like he is part of it, since he has already expressed a fear of being cast aside while you two go do your thing. As Hubby slowly gets more comfortable (or not), you then have a choice to make about whether or not to take it to a sexual relationship.

What's the hurry?

Lovesilky21 03-11-2011 11:35 PM

I know no hurry thatís for sure, you have brought up some good points thank you very much maybe I can use those to work with my hubby, on finding a comfortable starting ground.
As to the attraction passing Iím not sure itís been a few month and it really hasnít, I mean I was hoping it would early on, I mean Iíve had a few feeling for people here and there in the past but they pasted and this one hasnít.
Yes I need to see if there is interest on his end as soon as I get hubby to feel comfortable with early rules and such
Thank you again so so so so much

Lovesilky21 03-12-2011 02:38 AM

Wow I just checked my horoscope for that day and wow does it head the nail on the head, just thought it was interesting

This is a period of new beginnings for you, Libra, and you will find this creates some emotional imbalances in your romantic affairs. Whether you are single or attached, you may feel so overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions in this period that you will feel in turmoil even. You may be torn between certain feelings and desires, and you know these emotional imbalances are coming from within you, and not from any other person in your romantic circle. This may lead to some new beginnings, and possibly a need to cut ties with anyone that is not allowing you to connect with your positive emotional center. You can get through this day productively in romance, so long as you try not to fly off the handle, or jump to conclusions you are not absolutely sure of.

vodkafan 03-12-2011 04:04 AM

to answer your last question, no your husband does not have to be poly if you are. Nobody has to do anything they do not want to do.

Lovesilky21 03-12-2011 06:12 AM

Thank you

Lovesilky21 03-20-2011 07:01 AM

Both of these men i love are asleep in my living room after wii bowling and baseball,
Do i wake them?
I want so much to go after the one not my hubby, oh man, he's clearly comfortable at my home, I want to touch him breath him in deep
can i scream now

redpepper 03-20-2011 07:37 AM

scream into a pillow ;)

Lovesilky21 03-20-2011 07:41 AM

Oh but i want to do so much more they are both still just out, i mean should i wake them or i mean if they were both that tired i should let them sleep but well that leaves me awake because i don't want to go to bed, watching them is so much more fun and he has colon on and he smells so lovely

FlameKat 03-20-2011 07:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 71907)
scream into a pillow ;)

hugs....


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