Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Broken Triangle...and I Miss Her atTimes (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7660)

Mahogany 03-11-2011 05:29 PM

Broken Triangle...and I Miss Her atTimes
Hello Everyone,

Its been about a week since I last posted.

Well things have greatly changed between LoveisEvol, Crunchymama, and myself. After reading her thread and her post here, I began feeling very guilty about the boundaries me and my Hubby put into place. I also knew that I was not ready to lift the boundaries though :(

So I told my husband that I needed a break from him and her (basically the whole situation). My husband was not comfortable with me breaking away from him, so we broke it off with our metamour. It was diffiuclt for me to do, but I felt I was causing her more hurt....and that if I severed ties she could move on and heal. My husband still has contact with her though (He does not see her anymore, but they do talk and communicate through Facebook.

Me and her were facebook friend, but she deleted me as her friend, so I have no way of interacting with her, other than to call (and I just CAN'T call her).....because I know I can't accept her as my husbands secondary in this time in my life right now. I do want her in our lives, but not to the extent it was.....as friends and no more.

I miss her, but I don't feel good about contacting her. Not because of hate between us (I believe we can get past that)....but because of the fact that she and my husband betrayed and hurt me so bad (they had an affair behind my back for 5-6 months).

Any thoughts? Maybe there is nothing to do at all, but feel the way I feel and continue to move on, right???

Maybe we will meet again in this life or the next???

Have any of you felt this way, or know about this type of situation???

I hope all is well with you guys :)

redpepper 03-11-2011 06:05 PM

I'm confused. You had a relationship with your metamour that you were working on and now have decided to not work on it? He has left her then?

nycindie 03-11-2011 06:28 PM

Dear, sweet Mahogany,
I don't think you should indulge in feeling guilty anymore at all. So, lovingly, I say: Stop that! :)

Good for you for standing up for yourself!!!

Really, you tried your hardest to live with an affair turned into (so called) poly, but in your previous threads, it became evident that Crunchymama was not taking any responsibility for what she and your husband put you through and it seemed she was a cowgirl. You should be commended for making the effort that you did. Your husband cheated on you while you were pregnant with twins and focused his attention on his mistress, and she came here trying to paint you as the bad guy.

Do not waste time and energy feeling guilty. Now is the time for you and your husband to repair your marriage. He betrayed you and your trust. It is a good sign that he is willing to let her go as a lover in order to stay with you, but what else will he do? Does he expect your relationship to just get better by itself? You have every right to ask for, and perhaps even demand, better treatment by him.

I would suggest therapy or counseling and a clean break from her, for the two of you (why is he still even staying in touch with her??? It's like he's addicted), at least until you both have made some progress in healing the wounds he caused. I know he comes here, too, so it would be good to hear his side, but I'd like to know if he has stepped up his game as a father to your babies. You have two infants who need your attention. Dealing with the drama of his affair and trying to handle it all as a poly relationship surely added to the stress and strain of being a new mommy, along with the normal exhaustion that goes with it.

Personally, I think your husband owes you big time. You were treated quite disrespectfully and then expected to go along with whatever he wanted in the end, without any consideration for you. He didn't even acknowledged being a new dad when he posted here - what's up with that?? He should be doing all he can to make it right again and EARN your forgiveness.

You don't owe Crunchymama a thing, in my opinion. She tried to drag you through the mud and made it seem like she was being victimized by you. And then stopped posting when people here said she should own up to her part in the betrayal your husband did. You have better things to do with your time than worry about her -- she never worried about you.

Mahogany 03-11-2011 09:22 PM

Redpepper - To make a long story as short as I can.....no, (I did not decide to quit on her alone) I decided that I needed a break from both of them.....my husband decided to let her go and worked to keep me and him together.

I was very down this last weekend. I am very hurt by the lies, the lack of understanding. Somehow this whole thing simply hurt, flat out felt horrible. After reading her posts I felt bad about the boundaries, and guilty because I do NOT want to come between two people who love each other, EVEN if it is my husband is involved.

The words you wrote… "This woman thinks she has it all tied up in a bow... she doesn't" in Crunchymama's thread titled, Torn Between My Heart and My Mind. ….really hit me too. Because I DON’T want to misbelieve that I my in one situation, and it be something complete different. I have done THAT with my husband and her cheating behind my back already.

Not that I am upset about what you typed (but I know I have NO idea what is going on now, I have learned my lesson in trusting/believing in things ONLY seen through his betrayal).

Currently, there is no more me and her at all. My husband and her talk by phone and internet and that’s it. I am not caging my husband....he is making his own choices in this matter. But he seems as though he is comfortable with the way things have turned out…..

Our future is the unknown….as everyones is…..

Do you think this is a mistake?

I hope I am not offending you, it is so hard to establish rapport with you through typing :)

Thank you for your questions 

Mahogany 03-11-2011 09:32 PM

Nycindie - Thank you for your words. Her words and her posts is the reason I decided to end things. After talking to her the night of her posting on my thread, I felt guilty for the fact that I was hurting and that my hubby had decided to back off a bit with her.
I didn’t want to be the reason to come between them  Even if they treated me the way they did in the past 
I thought I would back off MYSELF and be alone and let them have each other 

But of course I was hurting, who won't be hurting in this situation. You are right, AND she did yearn for my husband to LEAVE me and his sons. She admitted it to me, but then down played it when I brought it up in my thread as a concern?!?!

She justified it by saying "I never told him to leave you!" But she didn't have to, because he knew she wanted him for herself and SHE knew it too.

He and she admitted that she KNEW everything about me and our situation from the BEGINNING. She was married at the time too and (when her husband found out) she chose my husband over hers and is now getting a divorce (along with other reason I guess)....she even peed on her ex-husbands toothbrush!?!? No matter what someone does, they don't deserve THAT, right? (Maybe they do, who knows....the point is this, shoot, if she did THAT to him, what would she do to me if mad enough?!!?!

She was pushing my hubby to act on something that she thought would RESULT in the end of our family, he told me and she did too. She is lying if she says different.

If she wasn't, then how did she know that my husband would never leave me for her?!?! Some how this conversation had to come up, right????

She also said that I was emotionally abusing her?!?! Honestly, we have had words twice during this whole event....we BOTH said things, I never called her out of her name, etc. I always simply voiced things that hurt me. It was a structured debate/argument, no fighting, screaming, etc.

and now I know why I can't call her.....

She is a cowgirl.....the proof is in this forum

Thank you for your support...xox

nycindie 03-11-2011 09:45 PM

Hell yeah, honey, you're angry!

I think you have every right to be. Now just make sure you do something constructive with that anger and ask for what you need from him. I do believe relationships can heal. My own marriage is ending because my husband was unwilling to repair it and made up his mind to leave, but I have seen friends whose relationships had deteriorated to such lows you would not believe and still were able to bounce back, forgive, and move on. Even a close friend who was subjected to physical abuse was able to forgive and make it into something better. But it took courage and a willingness to say, "I won't put up with this shit anymore!" as well as her partner admitting where he went wrong and being willing to work together with her on healing the relationship.

Mahogany 03-11-2011 10:00 PM

Nycindie - yes, my husband and I are talking A LOT. I foudn that he REALLY wants to save our marriage and that he definitely loves me despite his actions. I am working hard to re-build my trust in him, and he is working hard too. Only time will tell though....but I think we have reach a point where we can now move forward in love and happiness.....with some bumps here and there :)

Hppefully looks are not deceiving AGAIN :(

BlackUnicorn 03-11-2011 10:55 PM

Broken Triangle...and I Miss Her atTimes

This intrigues me. What do you miss about her?

Mahogany 03-12-2011 01:12 AM

Good question,

I don't know....we really did have some kind of connection. (Or maybe it was a unhealthy sense of connection) I was somewhat attracted to her (although I won't say that I am bi)...she is very knowledgeable and we share a lot of the same interests. She is so much like me, so we enjoyed doing things together. We were really compatible....we would have long conversations during our ups.

It is almost like we would have become friends (good friends) if we haven't of met under those circumstances....but then I question her a bit because of some of the things she said and choices she made.

But I' m ONLY human, as she is, I have my faults and bad choices too.

I guess what I miss about her does not out weight the ill feelings I have. I also worry about LoveisEvol....I guess when she was around I felt as though I had no worries because he had what he wanted. Now, I wonder .....

Maybe I am just crazy, and stupid for it.....because it doesn't make sense

Especially when I think deeper about it.

What are your thoughts???

TL4everu2 03-12-2011 03:56 AM

*huggs* Sorry to hear this. We broke up with more than one within the past year.... Oddly enough, every time there is a problem...I look around, and the remaining constant...IS ME and MY WIFE! So....I have figured that WE are the problem....So, we are fixing ourselves....If we only knew what it was that was "wrong" with us. :rolleyes:

Never had an affair, but we feel ya.

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:24 PM.