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-   -   A bit lost...where do I begin? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=761)

Lucian 09-11-2009 06:20 PM

A bit lost...where do I begin?
 
I have been in a wonderful, meaningful, and loving open relationship for two years now. The two of us have been quite happy with the mechanics of our relationship since the beginning, but I am starting to feel that I am missing something. I know that thing is a guy that I can love just as much as I love my girl...but how can I bring it up? She has always been afraid that she would not be enough for me because she is female. Before her I only had relationships with other men. I know I can love a guy without taking away any of the love that I hold for her. I just don't know where or how to start talking about how I feel without hurting her. :confused:

Any ideas or advice would be very welcome.

MonoVCPHG 09-11-2009 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucian (Post 6697)
I have been in a wonderful, meaningful, and loving open relationship for two years now. The two of us have been quite happy with the mechanics of our relationship since the beginning, but I am starting to feel that I am missing something. I know that thing is a guy that I can love just as much as I love my girl...but how can I bring it up? She has always been afraid that she would not be enough for me because she is female. Before her I only had relationships with other men. I know I can love a guy without taking away any of the love that I hold for her. I just don't know where or how to start talking about how I feel without hurting her. :confused:

Any ideas or advice would be very welcome.

Are male or female? What do you mean "open" relationship?

MonoVCPHG 09-11-2009 06:34 PM

Sorry..I just checked out your profile. You are male LOL!

Lucian 09-11-2009 07:19 PM

Open in that the physical part is not restricted to just us, but the emotional is.

redpepper 09-11-2009 08:24 PM

Start talking. This site may help. Maybe she is ready too. You could start with asking her if she ever considered the possibility that either of you could fall in love and what she thinks of that.

Lucian 09-11-2009 08:24 PM

I have gotten a bit tired of unattached physical relationships with guys. I want to really be with one, like I am with her, but still with her, which is obviously why I am posting on this board lol.

Lucian 09-11-2009 08:26 PM

She would automatically think that I was talking about splitting up and get upset. I have always had to word things strategically with her. I don't mind it at all. Good thing I am a writer. Words tend to come easy...most of the time.

redpepper 09-11-2009 08:43 PM

You should be fine then....

"hey hun, I love you dearly and NEVER want what we have jeopardized but I was wondering what you would think if I spent more time with "X" as he seems like a nice guy and could be a good friend as well as a lover.... what do you think?"

This is how my husband approached me. It really helped that he had talked to "X" first and that he had agreed to met me and was absolutely charming and nonthreatening in every way. He told me that I was a lucky woman to have such a wonderful husband and thanked me for allowing him to spend time with him. I was flattered and felt respected. It meant I could let my anxiety go and let them be. They continue to be respectful and keep me posted as to the progression of their relationship. I'm good with all of it and very happy for them.

It doesn't have to be so serious to start off... take it slow and see if this guy is WORTH the effort first. He might not be! If he is then spending time all three of you is essential in my books. It will evolve over time that way. You are already over the "sex" hump, which is usually the biggy!

XYZ123 09-11-2009 10:44 PM

Welcome to the forum. I think the best thing you can do is just talk to her and be honest. One of the reasons my husband and I opened to poly was my bisexuality. He doesn't want me with other men (nor do I want to be) but he understands that, both physically and emotionally, he cannot be to me what another woman can. And poly, rather than an open sexual relationship, is not only safer, but satisfies ALL my needs for a female partner, as well as providing him with a friend he knows cares about me just as much as he does and respects our relationship. I can't do the disconnected sex though so it was never an option. Be open, honest, and make sure you let her know this doesn't make her mean any less to you. Good luck.

Lucian 09-12-2009 11:35 AM

Thanks for the help guys. :)

I believe things will work out. Just a couple of things to square away and I can start the steady progression you suggest RedPepper.


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