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-   -   sorting out my thoughts (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7608)

dragonshadow 03-10-2011 02:46 AM

sorting out my thoughts
Warning very long post, but trying to explain the situation.

I am new here, I have been thrust into a relationship with someone that claims to be poly. By that I mean we have been together for several years and married for almost 4, have a child together and just now being told that she is poly only several months ago after finding out about an online afair that had went on for 7 months.

I've been doing research as well as my own soul searching, so please correct me if I am wrong or not seeing something from the right view. From what I've gathered poly means to have a loving relationship with more than one person but doesnt nesessarily envolve cuddling or sexual expression.:confused:
If so than I guess I would be considered poly as I have several people that I am close to.

However this is my story thus far
it starts about 2 years ago. My wife and I are avid video gammers and this is where she started meeting people and at first this was fine until she started playing non-stop blowing off close friends and myself, not sleeping for more than a couple of hours a night, not eating. I couldnt get her attention to talk to her which resulted in me shutting down emotionaly from time to time mostly by 4 or 5 in the morning when she would finally come to bed. I decided to find the source of the trouble and find out was going on and descoved him to be a manipulating predator and told her I wanted her to stop talking to this person and why. She did as I asked and mostly everything was fine

However, there was still some problems we were having because of her addiction to the game and her lack of sharing in household chores and spending time with each other and our friends, which has developed a bit of a rift between them. At some point she latched onto another person and started having an online affair in the game and through e-mail. I knew something was going on just not how far or with whom.

One of the friends she made online she started making plans to have come over and had already made apparent that it was fine and despite knowing I didn't want or like the idea, because at the time we were still having some issue to work out and still giving all her time and energy to all these online friends particularly him with constant chatting and texting and phone calls and none to me. At first it was supposed to be him, his wife and there child and they were to stay at a hotel.Quickly it became just him and his child and then to just him and him staying at our house, much to my dislike cause I felt that I was being lied to. Needless to say at some point they were alittle too cuddlly on the couch, big blow up and he was told it was in his best interest to leave in a hurry, much to my wife's dislike.

Anyhow we kept going on and eventually my wife made plans to go up there after eveything settled down with our child in tow and despite me saying I didnt want her to be herself with him cause barely even knew him. By this point my trust has been severly tested and continue to carry on as normal. At some point we make plans to go up and visit him and his wife he actually did have one. We go up and I pretty much spend the entire time feeling like a third wheel and being ignored a waste of a 4 hour drive for me and watching my wife almost alittle too comfortable.

We get home things are still somewhat bad and she is depressed all the time, I want to help and she won't talk to me about any of it. So I did read her text to her friends that we had went to go see because she said she had been talking to them about her issues she had been having, and I admit that was wrong but I didnt feel like I had anywhere else to turn. Instead of finding problems I see texts of I'm sorry hubby was hovering so much I would like to have had that chance to kiss:mad:

So I dug further and found photos of some other guy and email affair of someone else, and then came the confrontion and me almost going to the court house to file for divorce. We talked alot, she thought it was ok cause the affair had ended a few months ago, she wasnt the one who ended it and she wasnt that happy because it ended nor does she know why. At this point Im emotion wrecked and no longer trust anything she says. Yet I stayed because I wanted to try to get us back to what we were.This blow up happened in oct. and we are still working things out. She says she is poly and also possibly bi, as apparently the kiss text was from his wife, around this time frame and just discovering this about her self. As a note she doesnt get along well with other women and none of the people she spends her time talking to are female except for the other persons wife and then not often.

I had never heard about this before and she tried to explain this to me, to me this just sounded like a way to make it excuseable to sleep around and cheat( and i do not mean to offend anyone this was my first impression)This led to more talking, expressing our feelings and sex which I've come to the conclusion she does this to clound my thoughts and make me feel better at the same time if that makes any sense I'm still trying to sort and phrase that better.Anywho, this also brought on negotiations such as having a threesome as well as a "one penis policy" as I've heard it referred to on here, regardless that I wasnt comfortable with even doing that.

So far nothing has come of that. I barely trust her and she knows that, she constantly hides text windows when I come by and waits till I walk away. And when I do come across something not ment for me to see it's extremly shady and she claims it to be just rp as when her friend came down unexpectently when I had to work the next day. I saw message between the two when I came home that went along the lines of "I'm glad I got to have to for a little while to myself and made you scream my name" another big blow up about this with her claiming it to be rp and being angry about me thinking that they had sex. what the hell am I supposed to think with those circumstances. I know Im not stupid and know very well that I could be just getting played.

we are still working on things and I believe things are coming to a head.She has a another friend that she talks to and they have confessed to having feelings for each other, and she came forward to tell me so. I'm staying away from the both of them when they are talking to each other and have told that I would not be around them when they talk because she by nature is flirtatious and I told her didnt want to be around to listen to it knowing the feelings that are existing. they are both upset because I refuse to group with them though I dont believe she has told him why. Why exactly he is upset I dont know because he has never really bothered to talk to me in the first place just her same as with most of the friends she has made on the internet.

I know this was long and Kudos to anyone who actually read the whole thing I just need someone to talk to as my support group is pretty much gone or dont know how to relate to it and the only ones I want to talk to I either dont trust and the other cant talk to because they passed away shortly after our son was born which makes me miss them that much more. I need advice and help:(

BlackUnicorn 03-10-2011 06:06 AM

Hello and welcome!

Phew, I read through your post and will probably have to reread it to make sense of it all but just a few quick observations:

1) Most people who describe themselves as being in a polyamorous life situation at least cuddle with their paramours. And cuddles and kisses often lead to something more. Hoping to have an entirely chaste poly dynamic probably won't work for any extended period of time.

2) Your wife is addicted to gaming. Is she getting help for her addiction?

3) Your wife is repeatedly cheating on you with multiple partners, and chooses to keep on lying to you. How educated is she on poly? Her behavior towards you, in my opinion, is closer to emotional abuse than anything that could be described even as struggling polyamory.

4) Final question; What at this point in time is your greatest motivation to continue your relationship with her?

nycindie 03-10-2011 06:53 AM

What stands out in your story is addiction. To me, it seems to be a very serious problem for your wife, and likely contributes to her depression. She needs some help in freeing herself from that. There is a 12-step program for gamers:

Online Gamers Anonymous

redpepper 03-10-2011 07:30 AM

This is really sad. I'm sorry to hear that your partner is not being honest with you... seemingly given the opportunity to be, she still feels the need to go behind your back even in front of your face!

When I got together with Mono we were texting fiends. I decided that if I couldn't read a text out loud, I would not respond until I was not around PN. It worked well. If I could say, "hey, Mono just said this" then I knew it was an okay time to text. We still operate that way and it works well. Somehow being able to pass on what others have said via text made all the difference to PN's feeling included and my feeling of respecting his need for my attention.

It sounds to me like she is either unaware or uncaring about what you think and feel. Very inconsiderate and disrespectful. It sounds like she and you might benefit from sitting down and hashing out some boundaries that work better. Trust is earned, not a given at this point I think and she needs to know HOW you will be able to trust her again. Maybe she is not clear that sneaking is not going to win your trust. I'm sure there are numerous boundaries you could present to her that address your needs. She likely has her own boundaries too. Asking her what they are might help.

I would wonder how much of her behaviour around texting and messaging is related to her addiction. Maybe she just can't help herself? I don't know. She has a lot to work on there and needs some serious counseling help I would think!

dragonshadow 03-15-2011 03:45 PM

the addiction is something that we having been working on for some time and she has been getting better. As far as the hiding of instant messages, texts and such I've not seen in a while but then I'm not always around. We've had a large discusion and I got out alot of what I wanted to say, how much of that has sunk in I don't know as she won't stop crying trying to read the letter. Yes I wrote out what I wanted to say so that I could get all of it out without interuption of sidetracked then disscussed afterwards.


Final question; What at this point in time is your greatest motivation to continue your relationship with her?
I would have to say I love her deeply and which is why I don't know what to do as I only see 3 options. either separate, go into a poly relationship or stay mono. the first is pretty cut and dry. the poly relationship, I just see me growing resentful, jealus and angry. The mono I see being the same way just on her end until she finds someone else and decides to do it anyways.

As far as things have gone she pretty much already has someone else lined up though she says they are just being friends for now even though they have feelings for each other and she knows I dont want to be around when she talks to him, which is something she has yet to respect as she spent an hour on the phone with him at 2 or 3 am when we went to bed talking about a movie we just watched and shooting the breeze while I'm lying there listening this and her sying and giggle at this and that and trying to fall asleep. just a bit angry today:mad:

ray 03-15-2011 05:43 PM

Hey DragonShadow,

I'm sorry that this has been your introduction to non-monogamy. I hesitate to call it polyamory given the lack of openness. One of the simplest definitions of poly is having multiple loves who all operate with honesty and openness in regards to the presence of each other. Given that your wife has had affair(s?), I can see how trying to shift to a poly dynamic would possibly cause you pain and resentment. Poly should not be an excuse for people to act irresponsibly and hurtfully towards those they love. It sounds like you've thought pretty honestly about what possibilities there are. It doesn't seem like an easy decision. But don't feel like you're the bad guy if you don't want to try and create a poly dynamic from this situation. There's a thread on how introducing poly to a relationship that's having trouble can look. You may find some useful perspectives on that when you're considering your choices.

MsWoodland 03-15-2011 06:38 PM

Fearing you might not be meant for someone can be very hard. If you get mad at your Mom, your Sister, you go away for a while, but they are still family. You know on your deathbed if they live, they will be at your side.
But a mate, especially in monogamous relationships, when you let go; when you know you have to let go, you are torn; torn between wanting to move onto the kind of person you really want, and being hurt thinking of possibly letting go of one who has become the closest kind of family to you. They may find a new mate, and you could even lose them as a friend someday. That thought keeps some even bad relationships alive. I'm not saying yours is (could become a wonderful new way of life for you), but lets evaluate to answer that question.

Oath breaking should never occur in any kind of relationship that is considered mutually beneficial. Without perfect trust, a relationship is ....well ownership. If I stay with a man who I think will screw me over, I know this is not good for me. I know it will cause me stress, and my cortisol levels will rise. I will gain weight, have panic attacks. To stay is like allowing yourself to be hit and abused....just from the inside where it is far more dangerous than a black eye. Seriously. Too many people don't think of it that way.

So is she the woman you want or not? Well, she's proven she must have someone other than you, so you're s*&t out of luck if you want to change her. She won't. Chances are even if she tells you she will, she won't. But is she a cheater....or is she poly. Could you trust her in other ways before this?

More important to ask first though, are YOU poly?

Ask yourself this: Can you imagine an instance right now where your wife could be kissing a man, and you could at least call that man a friend, and love him for the happiness he is bringing your wife?
Is there any guy out there, you could tolerate this with. Imagine for a second you could even hand pick him where he is someone you'd love to hang out with...but he kisses your wife. Will you ever allow this without being sick?

Once you know the answer to this, you know what you need to do?

You either leave her and move on to a girl you can trust not to betray your way of life that you have every right to, and don't let your wife tell you any differently if this isn't what you want. Live life to it's fullest.

Or, you now need to establish an all new kind of trust. Let her know she betrayed you, but that because you understand she wants more love in her life, and not less of yours, you will give her a second chance. Throw away the past. Let it go. Both of you dump your emotional ammunition and be as two completely new people, agreeing to bring up the past only when they are happy memories, or significant, but never ever ever to play the game of "YOu said I did this? Well what about what you did on a Wednesday". If you are that kind of couple, poly will rip apart your world.
I promise you!

Fall in love again with her through this new understanding. Get to know each other. Talk about the kind of mates you both could tolerate them being with, and what your boundaries would be (If you want to know some of the ones used in my life, and I can be of help in sharing, PM me sometime).
When you come to a happy middle, set those rules in stone, unless you both wish to change the rule together. Never ever go off to break a relationship rule without prior consultation. Never! That's a cheater and not a loving poly relationship. Best to give as few rules as possible, because one thing about poly is the enjoyment of freedom, yet we all have our limits. It doesn't make two people bad if they decide they can't live up to each other's rules. It's only bad when you waste your lives staying together bickering about it.

I wish you both the best of luck.

Perfect trust, or not at all. Let there be nothing else, or you are dying instead of living.

lovemultiplied 03-16-2011 02:24 AM

You really can't be poly without full disclosure ... Without it... She's just been cheating it seems and claiming to be poly to justify her actions,

I'm sorry that you are hurting!

Penny 03-16-2011 05:15 PM

She sounds like an NRE (new relationship energy) junkie to me. If she's depressed, then the high involved in getting into these relationships could be like a form of self-medication.

redpepper 03-16-2011 08:03 PM

I was wondering how immerced in her NRE she is too$

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