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-   -   I hate it!! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7594)

bluevictoria 03-09-2011 04:52 PM

I hate it!!
 
I am miserable. I'm in a poly relationship by no choice of my own and I hate it. I also beginning to hate my boyfriend's nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.

It's such a complicated situation and I have fallen in love with this dishonest man with a manipulative, mean nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. Everytime I try to get the story written down so I can share it, I get so upset and hopeless that I don't bother.

I do not want to be poly. I do not want to be in a poly relationship. I do not want the nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend watching or participating in our intimacy. I do not want to be her friend. BUT, I can't seem to cut myself free from this man. I've tried at least 6 times....but I love him and am so physically attracted to him that I can't say no to him.

I am normally a very confident, assertive self-empowered woman. I've never let myself be in a hurtful relationship before.

I've tried talking to him about it, but he wants what he wants. I guess the next step is to talk to the nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.

I keep trying to wait until I'm not hurting so I don't go off on her but I don't seem to have any pain free days. As I said before, the situation is extremely complicated and I'm at a loss of what to do. So are my friends. They are so tired of hearing about my mess and how I can't seem to get myself out of it.

I guess I'm throwing this out into the poly community to see if I can gain some clarity. Thanks for letting me vent.

OK...I realize I can't get any meaningful feedback without explaining the situation. I have to go to work now but I'll try to get some of the details here tonight.

River 03-09-2011 06:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluevictoria (Post 70191)
It's such a complicated situation and I have fallen in love with this dishonest man with a manipulative, mean nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/
girlfriend.

Are you sure what you have for him is love? You say he's dishonest and that you have tried to end it numerous times, but feel trapped in the situation. So what's really going on? What's going on must have to do with you, not him or the girlfriend. Otherwise, you'd just end it and go on with your life. Dependency isn't love -- you know that, right? What wound in your heart are you trying to work out in this situation? What's the real root of this?

LovingRadiance 03-09-2011 07:13 PM

This sounds so much more like an addiction than love... I agree with what River said.

Maybe you should take some much needed time alone to really map out what it is you truly want in life, then set guidelines for reaching those goals. Keeping in mind that you can't include anyone FOR SURE in the list, because each individual gets to make their own choices.

BUT-in my opinion, if you DON'T want to be there and you are that miserable, then it's not polyamory. It's hell and that's a silly place to put yourself-even for "love" and "attraction".

There's literally billions of men on this earth. But, if you want them to pay attention to you so that you can find one worth a shit, you have to care enough about you to be sure that you keep yourself inline with what makes you happy in life. ;)

HUGS!

River 03-09-2011 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 70204)
There's literally billions of men on this earth. But, if you want them to pay attention to you so that you can find one worth a shit, you have to care enough about you to be sure that you keep yourself inline with what makes you happy in life. ;)

Just riffing off of the "happy" bit at the end here (quoted above).

It's important to be mindful that no one -- NO ONE! -- can "make" anyone happy. Happy relationships emerge when happy people come together and be happy together. (And not every moment along they way will feel like happiness, even then.)

If you want to be happy, be happy on your own, then share it when you can -- with another who also can be happy on their own. Otherwise, dependency rules the whole thing, which creates resentment, pain, suffering, confusion....

nycindie 03-09-2011 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluevictoria (Post 70191)
I guess the next step is to talk to the nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.

Or to walk away with head held high that you're doing something that supports you.

I agree with River and LR. It doesn't sound like love to me. It sounds like addiction and dependency. You don't want to feel as crappy as this relationship makes you feel but you keep going back for more. You're like an addict. Love should have respect and caring as major components. You don't sound like he respects you, nor do you sound like you are respecting yourself by staying.

It sounds like your bf is in a relationship with someone who is taking advantage of him, too, by the way you describe her. Ick!

Walking away will be hard but you can do it.

MonoVCPHG 03-10-2011 12:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 70213)
Or to walk away with head held high that you're doing something that supports you.

.

Please do this. Just walk.

Ariakas 03-10-2011 12:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluevictoria (Post 70191)
I am miserable. I'm in a poly relationship by no choice of my own and I hate it. I also beginning to hate my boyfriend's nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.

It's such a complicated situation and I have fallen in love with this dishonest man with a manipulative, mean nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend.

Love isn't a ball and chain. You love someone you don't respect. You love someone in a relationship structure you don't like. Sounds like you should leave to me.

Quote:

I do not want to be poly. I do not want to be in a poly relationship. I do not want the nanny/housekeeper/mommy-wanna-be/girlfriend watching or participating in our intimacy. I do not want to be her friend. BUT, I can't seem to cut myself free from this man. I've tried at least 6 times....but I love him and am so physically attracted to him that I can't say no to him.
And he likely knows this. Its hard for someone to change if you are essentially owned.

Stop abusing yourself and figure out how to leave :)

Quote:

I guess I'm throwing this out into the poly community to see if I can gain some clarity. Thanks for letting me vent.
Vent away. My common line is "people that suck at relationships, suck at poly relationships too"... sounds like this guy isn't exactly the best seed for you, if you can't trust him.

I would also say, that you do need to work on yourself too. Everything said above is true. Its not his job to make you happy, its your job. Imagine the pressure on him to make you happy. Rather incredible when you think about it. If you aren't happy, can't be happy and he isn't doing the things that help you feel happy in the relationship.

Can you be happy in the existing relationship setup, with him not being concerned with your boundaries and doing as he sees fit while ignoring your wants and needs too?

LovingRadiance 03-10-2011 12:39 AM

As River noted, people (or relationships with people) don't make other people happy. Please don't mis-read what I wrote to mean that.

What I meant was that you need to find what (in life) makes you happy and in doing so, you will become the kind of person that people (men as you seem to be interested in men) will be attracted to you. Happy and fulfilled first, relationship second. :)

dragonshadow 03-10-2011 12:43 AM

common feelings
 
I'm also currently in a relationship that has turned into one of us wanting to be poly while the other doesn't. Where we are heading I dont know, I love her but don't know what do and niether does she. I've researched into this some and still don't know what to do. I do agree that you have to look inward and find out what it is you want and decide if by staying that you are or will get that if not you need to move on. As of now I think things are coming to a head with us and not sure if we will stay together or separate.

NeonKaos 03-10-2011 02:13 AM

After reading the OP a few times, I can't help but think that the girlfriend/nanny is the established "alpha" relationship and blue victoria is the "interloper" in this scenario.

Of course, we have very little information and there are other sides to the story, blah blah, etc. But it really does sound like the OP is the piece of ass on the side and the other female is higher on the guy's to-do list.


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