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-   -   New to the board, need input (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=759)

jerry424 09-11-2009 04:40 PM

New to the board, need input
So I am (we are) new to polyamory, and I'd appreciate a little input on some issues I've been having, and to see if I'm all alone in this. First a little background, my GF and I have been together for 7 years, and are very happy. We decided to give poly a shot about 8 months ago. Mostly it was her idea, but I read up on it, and, at least on an intellectual level, it all makes sense to me. She met her boyfriend about 5 months ago, and that was OK, but now I'm having some issues. The first thing is they are knee deep in NRE, and I envy that. I do not fear loss, I know we are solid, but this makes me feel less.....everything. Less loved,desired,cared for, etc. I know it's not true, but I can't seem to get past it. I fear this may be pathological. I have always SUCKED at letting people I am involved with go their own way. I really hope I can find some advise on a way to work this out, as I will not make her end her relationship, even though she has said she would if I needed that. That would be a horrible thing to do.

So thats it for the most part, has anyone else dealt with these feelings? I could sure use some help.

MonoVCPHG 09-11-2009 04:46 PM


Originally Posted by jerry424 (Post 6684)

So thats it for the most part, has anyone else dealt with these feelings? I could sure use some help.

Have you tried finding some one for yourself? If you are exploring poly why not get some of the NRE in your life? Then you can both share the excitement of new relationships.

jerry424 09-11-2009 04:49 PM

I am, not entirely by choice, a stay at home dad with limited time to get out of the house, or access to the car. I also live in a dinky little town. That puts some things out of my reach a bit.

NeonKaos 09-11-2009 04:59 PM

Captain Obvious says:

How about letting babymomma stay home and YOU take the car and go have some fun-time?

It doesn't have to be a "date". Just go to the mall or go bowling or something. How did SHE "find" a boyfriend? Maybe HE knows some nice ladies for you to meet.

MonoVCPHG 09-11-2009 04:59 PM


Originally Posted by jerry424 (Post 6686)
not entirely by choice, .

I've got a few alarm bells going off. If your partner has time to go out why is there no time for you? I ask this because the situation where a couple explores poly and time allocation becomes very unbalanced when one partner finds someone is not uncommon. The simple truth of the matter is that women have an easier time finding someone as well. That is just a fact of statistics.

You do not want to become the babysitter while she is out having fun all the time. This will inevitably lead to resentment of poly and probably her as well. Sit down with her and work some you time out. Even if it is not time that you spend with someone else. This could be time for you to go have coffee or start a hobby. Create a balance so you are getting something out of this as well.

NeonKaos 09-11-2009 05:02 PM

Mono and I agree as usual.

jerry424 09-11-2009 05:22 PM

Ok, more info. She is the breadwinner here, and works 3 swings and 2 graves. So the car is pretty unavailable. The "not by choice" part is solely a monetary thing, if I worked we'd make too much on paper, and not enough in reality. She isn't going out, because her BF and his kid lost job, housing, car, all at once, so they are here, at our house, for a month or so. I do intend to go out after she gets the car home, but, you're damn right about women having an easier time of finding someone. Ah, well...

redpepper 09-11-2009 05:35 PM

There has been other threads on here about the same thing. You are not alone. I believe the advice that was given before was that you start working on your own life. Not that your relationship is doomed and you should start looking around for a way out, but for your own feelings of self worth and self esteem. To figure out what you want for your own life.

Have a browse around and see if you can find other threads on this topic. Hopefully who ever posted added a "tag." Tagging helps in that people can find what they are searching for a bit better.

jerry424 09-12-2009 12:57 AM

Oh no, I don't worry for my relationship at all. Just trying to work through these feelings. It's easy to know you are unique and irreplaceable, just hard to feel that way sometimes.

sea 09-13-2009 07:13 PM

Hi everyone, I am new here too! I am part of what I now know as a triad, a 'V' and have felt many of the things Jerry has. My partners and I ( my husband and girlfriend, who is also on here as Sweetie) wanted too much, too bad and too quickly. We have separate homes and had mostly 'lived' together on weekends. During this summer we tried more extended time together and all was good for a couple weeks, but the longer together the tougher it got. I make no excuse, I know it was me not voicing my feelings and allowing them instead to become a bone of contention. I read things in that weren't really there, but because I didnt communicate how I felt I didnt even give my partners a chance to understand how I felt. I too felt less loved, desired, cared for etc...but the truth of the matter was I needed to voice it rather than fill in my own blanks. The problem for me was I was missing one on one time. We needed to slow down a bit and look at what did and didnt work for us....when were we the happiest. For us....we needed time alone, one on one time and time together, thats hard to achieve when all under one roof. Having the BF and son now staying with you has to be hard to find alone time with just you and your partner. Healthy relationships need down time as well as together time, you HAVE to make time for yourself as well as the ones you love. All I know for sure is ....for us....its worth it!

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