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-   -   opening my self up for all sorts of trouble? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7580)

hurricandrunk 03-08-2011 09:26 PM

opening my self up for all sorts of trouble?
I've wondered for a long time (before even discovering polyamory) if i would be best off being upfront before even starting to date someone.

Essentially i have very little interest in sex. i'm not sure why and for the time being it doesn't bother me. but it always hinders my desicion to start a relationship. no matter how nice or patient a guy or girl is evntually they are going to want sex.
I love physical closeness, emotional intimacy and being with someone, but for a long time it seemed i couldn't have both my desire for a relationship and my desire to not sleep with anyone.

But for a long time, i've known i'm not a hugely jealous person when it comes to someone i know loves me, as long as they are honest about who they've been with and to a certain degree what they've been doing. my last ex was forever getting annoyed because he'd flirt with girls when he was away and tell me and i didn't care-i knew he cared about me so it was ok.

I've been considering being up front about this, telling anyone i might date that i have very little intention of sleeping with them, but i also have no issue with them having another partner.

but is that just opening up a door for all sort of trouble? am i basically just telling my new boyfriend i dont care if he cheats on me? I'm not sure i'm ready to go into all the details of polyamory with someone ive just started dating but i dont want the worry over something as silly as sex hanging over my head.
This seems to be something you need a great deal of trust to enter into and aside for the fact i'm natuarally very wary trust is built up over time, not from the get go and starting a relationship by saying 'sure sleep with other people' seems to be playing a dangerous game??

i dont want to do this thinking its a great solution only to get taken advantage of....

MindfulAgony 03-08-2011 09:41 PM

A few choices spring to mind. There may be others. The first is to find someone who is asexual - doesn't want or mind not having sex. But, if you do and your desire wicks back up, then you might find yourself on an unhappy island.

The second choice is exactly what you seem to be considering. Be open about this aspect of your desire (where it is and where it isn't) and allow your partner to have other relationships (purely sexual or otherwise) to create the opportunity for the deep connection you seek.

I - for one - am open to this kind of relationship as long as I can continue to be poly. I often describe my relationship with one of closest friends as a platonic romance. It is more than a friendship but there is certainly no sex and never has been. I love her deeply and am perfectly happy to give up sex with her to stay connected with her in all the ways we can connect.

Being clear about that can be very useful (and successful) in my view. Don't assume, however, that it'll come without heartbreak, confusion, etc. that are natural parts of human love. That'll still happen. But, you open up the possibilty of finding something special that meets your needs.

redpepper 03-09-2011 03:05 AM

I was wondering too whether you were asexual. On this really great forum for asexuals (AVEN- http://www.asexuality.org/en/ ) they say that a med change, sexual abuse, change in weight... and other things can change ones sexual desire. That isn't asexuality. Asexuality is an orientation. Have you always had a lack of interest in sex? Or is this a recent discovery...? If you can't remember ever being interested in sex, then perhaps you are asexual. If you have been interested in the past and aren't any more then I would wonder what happened that changed that for you. It's fine that you are not into sex, but if it concerns you then maybe it would be beneficial to find out at what moment you stopped wanting it.

BlackUnicorn 03-09-2011 12:42 PM

I think I'm a little the same way as you are, HD. I normally need to be very much in love already to feel physical attraction to someone, and that's why I'm not really great at casual sex. Some people I am good friends with say that the great thing about one-night-stands is that you can totally let go and never have to worry about seeing the person again, but I find myself completely shutting up if I can't trust the person as a friend or as a lover, which for me takes a longer time than one night or even two to develop. For the sake of new experiences, I've had sex with people I'm not head-over-heels with, and although the desire was there, it took a longer time to summon (a lot of kissing and cuddling, to very little effect at first).

I would normally always recommend being upfront. I have a friend who is somewhat nervous about getting close to new people because of her inability/disinterest to engage in penetrative sex, and I think that is something that is good to bring up early on when the discussion turns into sexual histories and possible futures etc. If you are anything like me, you might talk about having sex for a while before actually doing it. Something as simple as 'I'm open to meeting new people, but not really in a place where I would be hugely interested in sex right now' might do the trick, or at least open up the conversation. If you are far enough to call somebody your new bf, then there should be opportunities to bring this thing up naturally.

hurricandrunk 03-09-2011 08:39 PM

I don't think i'm asexual, i did wonder for a while but its not that i dont desire sex, or indeed people i'm attracted to.
When i was a teenager i remember everyone making a big deal out it and then when i slept with my boyfriend i was like what is the big deal? it wasn't that pleasent and mostly i was just bored. maybe we were doing it wrong :P
but aside from that i have ocd tendancies and i am very paranoid about losing control, doing something wrong or appearing stupid etc. it affects my entire life, i hate going someone new by myself, or doing something unfamiliar, i don't like not knowing whats happening/why, i'm always incredibly concious of the way i appear and act. change is hard and i dont cope with it very well...
for some reason i find it even harder with men, i think its because they are bigger and stronger and i know they could take the control away forcibly.
i honestly have no idea why im like this :S
mmm exactly, in principle i have no issue with having sex with someone i dont know or love. i dont equate sex with loving someone. but actually being intimate does require trust.
the issue is not that i dont desire someone, it's more that the desire isnt strong enough to be worth going through the uncomfortableness of following through on it...
the issue with being up front is that it also require trust xd i've tried being honest before and finding the words is hard, espcially when so often people simply don't understand...

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