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-   -   The birth of poly relationships (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=758)

Aaronp 09-11-2009 03:41 PM

The birth of poly relationships
 
So I've already found so many answers in a similar thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ghlight=single and thanks to Ceoli for giving a voice to the unheard singles in the community. I wanted to start my own thread just to focus on one particular aspect of the linked thread (it covers a lot).

I see two main school's of thought on how a polyamorous relationship is started. Either you

1. Are a couple and become open.
2. You find a couple that has become open.

so my question is:
How does a Poly single go directly into an open relationship without joining a couple first, or being a monogamous couple first?

The recurring answer seems to be "you need to love someone first" and "multiple loves is not the same as multiple lovers". but I want to know if anyone here has experienced or witnessed cases where two singles have started a relationship as an open one. I want to know if it is possible to skip the monogamous step without being called a swinger.

Maybe I am just young and naive, but it seems counter-intuitive to hide what I am at first to form a relationship and go through all the mushy couple stuff only to risk it later on by saying "oh by the way, I'm poly!". For me, that part comes right after I introduce myself.

redpepper 09-11-2009 03:54 PM

My husband and I started out as a poly couple. Although it wasn't called that back then, just non-monogamous.

I was with a woman and my husband came into our relationship... does that count? It's been 11 years now, 8 of marriage. As far as the people we have seen and see we date one person together, although quite often spend alone time with him and all the others are either mine or his to date. Poly isn't always a "triad" situation. I am in a "V" with my husband and my other primary.

Have a read on this forum a bit and you will see the wide variety of alternatives and opportunities to be poly.

Aaronp 09-11-2009 04:09 PM

ok, good! Actually all of my poly relationships so far have been V's as well. So the woman you were with before your husband came in, did you both start your relationship with the intention of it being non-monogamous, or did that come after you got to know her? (I hope you don't mind me asking. I'm just curious)

MonoVCPHG 09-11-2009 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aaronp (Post 6675)
Maybe I am just young and naive, but it seems counter-intuitive to hide what I am at first to form a relationship and go through all the mushy couple stuff only to risk it later on by saying "oh by the way, I'm poly!". For me, that part comes right after I introduce myself.

You're not naive. You are being respectful of potential partners :D Any other way is almost decietful in my humble opinion. The general population is monogamously inclined so it's best to find someone who understands your way of loving before they or you fall deeper into the relationship.

I would seriously lose my mind if that was sprung on me LOL!

NeonKaos 09-11-2009 04:35 PM

Aaron, you speak (type) as though life comes with an owner's manual and you misplaced yours.

At least you're trying to download a copy from the internet.

redpepper 09-11-2009 05:28 PM

we were monogamous, but then that was all there was back then.

XYZ123 09-11-2009 11:09 PM

My husband and I started off non-monogamous. He had a girlfriend (long distance and also non-monogamous) and I was his "secondary". I was also in a long distance non-monogamous relationship. And I was dating casually. It was the first time in my life I'd had open relationships as I was a serial monogamist. We didn't call it polyamory because, well, the being in love came later. We fell in love before closing off the relationship. Monogamy happened because his gf was abusive, he'd never been monogamous and he'd never loved anyone like he did me and wanted to marry me. I think we went mono because it was what we sort of expected to do when deciding we wanted to be married and have a family. Years later I fell for a female friend of his and we went back to poly after MUCH discussion, pushing of limits, and breaking from traditional expectations. We formed a V with me at the center and were (I feel) beginning to work towards a triad. That relationship didn't work out and we are again a monogamous couple, open now to poly but not looking. Neither he nor I want me with another man. I don't want him to be sexual with another woman (at least right now, though if we find a mythical unicorn as we almost had that might change). So I'm poly while he's content being sexually mono and emotionally poly. Basically, we've gone through quite a few phases. A relationship almost never starts as polyamoros, just as a couple almost never start IN LOVE. It starts open. The "amory" comes in time. The "poly" can be there from the beginning. Don't get too caught up in labels. But don't start off denying what you are either.

Aaronp 09-12-2009 05:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XYZ123 (Post 6725)
A relationship almost never starts as polyamoros, just as a couple almost never start IN LOVE. It starts open. The "amory" comes in time. The "poly" can be there from the beginning. Don't get too caught up in labels. But don't start off denying what you are either.

Well put. I think I am starting to see why so many people have a hard time with what I am saying. Alright maybe I should rephrase my question. How common is it for two single people to start a relationship as an open one?

Although I'm not single, I remember this being a problem I struggled with when I was. Join an existing relationship, or start a closed one and open it later. I've tried both, but never started off as two singles in an open relationship. Does anyone do that? Would that make me a swinger if I did?

JonnyAce 09-12-2009 09:17 AM

I just started a new relationship, and going into it, we both agreed it would be open. so i guess it does happen. ask me in a few months, and i'll tell you how it's going ;)

XYZ123 09-12-2009 01:26 PM

As I said, my husband and I started off open. Maybe we weren't technically single as we were each dating others. But we didn't consider either of us were "joining" an existing relationship since I didn't know his other gf and he didn't know my other bf. The distance factor made that simply impossible. And neither of us saw our others very often. In the year we were open each of us saw our others maybe two or three times for no more than a week at a time. So we may as well have been two singles forming an open couple. Monogamy became a choice later, just as poly became a choice again after that. But we started open and fell in love in that way and we could have remained that way had we chosen to. Of course, we didn't know that at the time. It would have saved a whole lot of drama.

If you want a relationship that is to remain open permanently, just be honest about that fact from the beginning. You may only start with one other person. Yes, it might be a mono relationship for awhile if neither of you meet anyone else you're interested in, but if the openness is established at the start, when someone else does come along you should both be free to explore-so long as you're honest when the time comes.

Edit: IMO if you start a relationship based on a mutual caring for one another, or for another or another ;) it isn't swinging. Swinging is looking for specifically sexual relationships right from the beginning with little or no emotional connection and no desire to form one.


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