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-   -   New babies (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7564)

axlfreak 03-08-2011 04:46 AM

New babies
I'm having a little trouble navigating the posts. :confused: I've been reading bits of Mono's journey, and appreciating his mono in a poly view point. However I was wondering about a woman in this position. Is anyone out there a mono woman in a poly relationship?

I guess I need to be even more specific. As I mentioned in my intro (I think it was there) my husband has taken a girlfriend. My husband who was not poly, or didn't realize he was poly, before this. Well things are going ok. I still feel a lot of the things Mono mentions. Like hard days and easy days, like jealousy and compersion. I still don't know what I'm doing half the time, but it still feels ok.

However there is a new development. R, who is my husband, and I have always said we weren't having kids. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and always told me he didn't want more. Well when we first got together 12 years ago, I didn't want kids either. And even as I've aged the kid thing hasn't been a deal breaker. So whenever the idea occurred to me that I might like a child, instead of reveling on it, I let it go. It was never important enough to upset what we already had.

Well enter K into the equation. She is R's girlfriend, in case you didn't read my intro. Also as backstory R is in his 40s, I'm recently 30, and K is mid 20s. K wants kids. Always has. She even mentioned this to R before they were dating. Well somewhere along the way K has 'pushed R's baby button.' (his words)

So here I am. New to this world of Poly-amory, my head swimming with emotion at the idea that he wants/needs another person in addition to me, and now he wants her to have his babies. :eek:

So there is a mass of emotion from me. Of course the knee jerk reaction of 'No!' 'If I can't have your kids, no one can' 'Why her, why not me?' That last one is the one that sticks. It's hard enough to deal with him wanting her at all. And now he wants her to be the mother of his children. To raise kids with her. That's a life. That's my life, I thought.

So that's where I need the advice. I need someone who has been here, or near here to tell me about their story. What they did and how it went.

I feel like there are so many ways to go from here. Since this is all so new, and since I feel I am mono at my core, there is always the instinct to run. But I love R. And I want him to be happy, and I want this to work. But I am so scared. What happens if they decide to have kids? (And it will be a decision, one that I am a part of, but not the ultimate decider) Can I handle it? As much as I feel everything has changed, that's surely nothing compared to how it will change if she's pregnant.

Will I be able to stay? Will it all be too much? What if things don't end up working between them? (They did just start dating 2 months ago) If I leave have I lost any chance? If I leave and things don't work with her, will I want him still? If I stay what becomes of the shambles we've made? What if she gets pregnant and decides she can't have another woman around? And on and on...

I've been able to get caught up with everything else. We have even talked about her living with us. But this baby thing has me all disoriented again. Not to mention that it has me wanting babies. Which of course makes anyone wonder, me included, why now? Am I trying to keep him by having a baby? I don't think so. But then again I have never trusted my own feelings.

Anyway, you can see I'm a wreck. I was just hoping someone out there has had a similar experience and can help me shed some light on mine. If you are that person, reply away. If you know that person, send her my way. If there is a post on here you know of that I haven't found, point me to it. :)

MonoVCPHG 03-08-2011 05:18 AM

What is this woman's background story? Is she poly, does she have other partners? Is she mono? My first concern is this woman is looking for a primary partner...for life as in the role of a wife. I could be totally wrong, but I would be wary of the possibility that she is a cowgirl. I would move very slow...they'll be asking for co-habitation soon if they are already in the baby planning stage.

Not to be pessimistic...but look after yourself and keep the pace very very slow. I'd be really surprised if this woman is into sharing the father of her desired children.

But that is just me...and I'm a little one sided:o

Take care

LovingRadiance 03-08-2011 05:34 AM

Do a search for "sage".
She also has a blog.
She's also got a thread on here about mono's in poly relationships, there are a number of mono's who post on it. :)

FlameKat 03-08-2011 05:35 AM

Only two months and talking babies?? BIG RED FLAG.

I don't think your husband is thinking with his head here... NRE perhaps? And your question of why with her and not with you is VERY VERY Valid... children are a huge committment - why after only 2 months is he willing to change his mind on something he has been so adamant about for so long?

I think NRE is a huge issue here.

*mono women in poly relationships? - Sage and Mohegan are the two on here that immediately pop into my head... I would recommened their blogs and threads :D

good luck and welcome :D

LovingRadiance 03-08-2011 05:38 AM

Ok, to counter Mono. ;) Cause I can and he won't mind.

I'm a poly woman, married with a live-in boyfriend and 4 kids.

My take on your situation is....


well the same as Mono's.

I can't help but wonder if she isn't a cowgirl and I find it concerning that they would be discussing children only 2 months into the relationship. Maybe it's just discussing as a future poss. But in terms of parenting, responsibility etc, 2 months is just not long enough to really plan the addition of a child.

I realize that doesn't much address your feelings. I apologize. I never got that far in my mind. My mind did a reeling, screeching, full-brakes slam as soon as I read 2 months.

In terms of poly and children, it can be done and it can be done well. But, just as with monogamy and divorce, it can be done terribly badly too.

(there is also a thread on here about children and poly that you might find helpful)

MonoVCPHG 03-08-2011 05:43 AM


Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 69972)
Cause I can and he won't mind.

Totally cool....I've got a soft spot for you ;)....but it's soft..unlike the spot I have for RP ;)

Sorry to hi-jack..back to valid input:o

axlfreak 03-08-2011 06:00 AM

Ok, addressing these one at a time. Ks backstory is.. complicated. She's been in a relationship with another woman (I'll call her C) since they were both teenagers. In this 10 years time K has had a handfull of male lovers, and one you might classify as a boyfriend. She is still with C, but I don't know much about their inner workings. I suspect that K ultimately wants to be with a man. Hence the whole babies thing. And I think, whether she even knows it or not, that she wants a man to be her primary while having a female secondary or tertiary. I don't know if she wants my husband to be her primary.

K and R, my husband, have had a pregnancy scare already, and seemingly another scare on the way. (Apparently condoms aren't as reliable as they used to be) And they were both upset when the test came back negative. I was relieved. Not that I don't want this for them, I still don't know what I want there. But I fear I am not ready.

And I fear, as FlameKat said, that this is all too fast. Swirling emotion and all that. I mentioned this to R, and he acknowledges it as a possibility but doesn't show any sign of slowing down.

He and I have discussed that if they decide to try for kids, they have to tell me BEFORE they start. And we also have discussed each of us being tested for STDs and the like before they cease protection.

As for the cohabitation, they are not asking for it yet, however R has stated that if he and K get pregnant she will be living with him. End of story. Now that could be moving her in with us, him in with her and C, or the two of them alone. I don't know. But i too feel this is moving way too fast and it scares me in more ways than one. Of course I'm scared for me, and my marriage to R. But I'm also scared of him getting hurt. And adding a baby to that possibility of hurt is even worse. But it's hard for me to articulate to him, without it coming across as me finding reasons for him not to do this with her, for my own benefit.

As for 'cowgirl' I don't know what that is, but I will be looking through the forums for it now.

Thanks for the replies and the links to other posters. I appreciate the help and the love. If you want more info on this story, please ask. I'm still so new I don't know what be something important that I've left out.

LovingRadiance 03-08-2011 06:04 AM

Sorry, the term cowgirl generally (negatively) refers to a woman who proclaims to be "poly" but is actually trying to "steal" a man from another woman; often in an attempt to make herself feel better about herself...

FlameKat 03-08-2011 06:04 AM

Where in all of that is his care and compassion for you and your relationship with him??

I get completely that YOU love HIM and want HIM to be happy...

Where is his return of that?? He won't slow down? He won't be careful? WTF is going on there with that? He is showing no respect for you whatsoever

Sorry - your last post must have hit some trigger points for me - I am almost seeing red over it... I shall go do something calmer for a bit.

****2 months with possibly 2 pregnancy scares??? complete irresponsibility and definitely a cowgirl...IMO****

LovingRadiance 03-08-2011 06:08 AM

I have to admit that in all of the years I was with GG... there was ONE pregnancy "scare" issue....

2 in 2 months seems careless and irresponsible. Honestly-good condom use doesn't result in that much risk...

It does sound like he's being unreasonably reckless and frankly, I find myself having strong doubts that they are using protection as agreed upon, STRONG doubts....


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