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-   -   It seems I have to make a choice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7562)

Helo 03-08-2011 03:45 AM

It seems I have to make a choice
 
My fiancee and I have been together for almost five years now. About two years ago, after some...tumultuous events, I did some growing and determined that I was poly.

This was not quietly accepted by my dear wife to be. I love her to death, but she is what I would describe as "militantly monogamous". We had several very long (and extremely emotional) conversations about it. The product of that were several conclusions.
  • I am polyamorous. I cannot change that.
  • My fiancee is monogamous.
  • My fiancee is not willing to be part of a poly relationship of any kind.

I have been functionally monogamous ever since this became an issue but I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling like I need more than a monogamous relationship. But it seems the situation is at an impasse.

There seems to be two options at this point.

1. End our current relationship and pursue a new poly relationship.
2. Commit to being functionally monogamous.

I love my fiancee very much. I have no desire to lose her. But at the same time, I want to live as I actually am. I feel...I guess somewhat incomplete otherwise.

Not entirely sure why I'm posting this. I know what the situation is, I know both possible solutions, I just need to fucking pick one. I guess just sort of laying it all out and reviewing it helps.

MonoVCPHG 03-08-2011 05:22 AM

Both of you need to do what your heart's are already telling you. That could be compromise..but if she is militant mono than there is no compromise on you having any other partners.

One thing for sure..a very, very long engagement. Why make things more entangled until you really find out what you both need.

Helo 03-08-2011 06:34 AM

We've actually been engaged for four and a half years :)

I have no doubts about her. She's never given me any cause for complaint, she's a wonderful woman, she brings out the best in me, she keeps me sane. I mean before I found out I was poly, I was as close to perfectly happy with her as I've ever been.

If this was a less happy relationship, this wouldnt even be an issue.

redpepper 03-08-2011 07:03 AM

I would suggest reading my blog from about the beginning of December 2010 until now (March 2011)... It is filled with the result of staying with someone who is mono.

Other than that there is a world of good stuff on here to read. The blog section is a good place to read others stories... do a tag search on "mono/poly" and start reading. Maybe it will become more clear what to chose if you do so.

Have you told her that you intend to decide? You have a very well laid out OP. It seems you have thought of this situation a lot and realize it comes down to a choice of the two. Perhaps if she knew this she would be able to do her own searching and educating and realize that there is some budge room for her... especially if she knows she has a 50/50 chance of losing you... maybe if she did lose you she would find a way to move her boundaries... not that you should use dumping her as a way to move forward, but when presented with facts, it might help.


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