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-   -   The Eternal Search - San Diego is a Deadzone (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=755)

EscPolyCouple 09-10-2009 08:23 AM

The Eternal Search - San Diego is a Deadzone
My wife and I have been married for 10 years, but we've been together for 15 and poly the entire time. We've had long term relationships (the longest was 3 years), short terms, and the occasional ONS. We have a "friend with benefits" that doesn't want to be in a committed triad, and we get to play with our ex-girlfriend when she comes to visit from Idaho (that's why we broke up - we live in San Diego County and she moved).

We've been looking for a woman to join us in an established triad, but it's been particularly difficult, for some reason, in our area. We've tried Meet-Ups, bar-hopping, Craig's List, etc. but nothing long-term ever seems to pan out.

We've talked to poly friends around the country (including our ex), and all of them have said that there are plenty of poly folks around them. For some unexplained reason though, San Diego County seems to have an odd dearth of truly poly folks.

We know how to establish triads. We know how things work, we know how to establish and work around schedules, we take things slow or fast as needed, etc. We just can't find anyone that's interested in anything other than an ONS. This will be a strange thing to say (especially for a male with a massive libido), but we're getting tired of just sex. We want a woman to care about.

Does anyone have any theories on why San Diego County is so Poly-Sparse?

- Devin

NeonKaos 09-10-2009 11:56 AM

Other than making a Unicorn joke, I would say that it's probably a case of "you never find someone when you're looking, stop looking and you might find someone".

That is all I have to say.

These types of things are also being discussed right now in other threads on this forum. You might want to have a look around and see if any of it applies to your situation.

WaywardDruid 09-11-2009 10:03 AM

It's California......
I personally blame the Governater for the lack of Poly lovers to be found in California.


Why we're moving to Washington State when Stormsinger retires.

But wishing you good luck in finding what your heart seeks.


Just Me,

Fidelia 09-13-2009 12:52 AM

Wow. If SoCal is poly-sparse, I gotta figure everywhere else is stricken!

Sorry you're facing challenges finding Ms. Right. The best I can do is offer a reminder that you don't need a gajillion candidates, just the one RIGHT one! And if I were in SoCal m'self, I'd love to get together for coffee.

I hope you find what you're looking for. Happy hunting!

Acroxander 07-11-2010 04:51 AM

San Diego indeed
Yes, there seems to be not just a lack of polyamorous folks in San Diego; no one seems to have even HEARD of poly around here.

What could be the reason for it? Who knows? San Diego seems to me to be, culturally speaking, around 5-7 years behind the rest of California, or even the West coast.

I don't get it either.

jkelly 07-11-2010 07:26 PM

Create a community?

Originally Posted by Acroxander (Post 35440)
Yes, there seems to be not just a lack of polyamorous folks in San Diego; no one seems to have even HEARD of poly around here.

How about wearing a poly- t-shirt to Pride next weekend? You might be surprised.

More seriously, though, building community takes someone putting in some time and effort and leadership. If there's really no community, you might want to consider if you're up to doing some organising.

Agape 06-30-2012 02:18 AM

3 years later....
Still so very true..I am so jealous of other cities' polyamory groups.

km34 06-30-2012 04:54 AM

There is a poly meetup in San Diego... Here is the link to the group: http://www.meetup.com/SDPoly/ Not sure how many of their events you'd be interested in, but they seem pretty active.

Agape 06-30-2012 05:10 AM

Thank you for your reply. Yeah, I know about that one but the way they are so intertwined with tantra and paganism I am not sure I would fit in. I think about going to their pot lucks but I am just not quite sure. The pot lucks cost money and can only be vegan which I don't personally have a problem with but it seems like a deterrent for my partners. There is also another group that meets once a month at a coffee shop which I have gone to once. It's not that poly groups are non existent, I just don't see as much variety of events compared to the poly groups of other major cities.

km34 06-30-2012 05:13 AM

Ahh... Gotcha. We are starting to work with the admins of a a couple of the poly groups around here to add some diversity in events. Right now there are game nights and discussion groups but that's about it. We're going to add a "go out and do something random and fun" group to hopefully tie the two types together.

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