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-   -   Part-Time Relationships and Communication (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7517)

ladyjai 03-06-2011 06:51 AM

Part-Time Relationships and Communication
Hey folks... I'm looking for advise and examples. (I'm 30, female)

I'm a part-time girlfriend to a couple. I have been dating them for one year as of today. (my relationship with lady has become asexual, but still hug, kiss and snuggle) However, my time with them is restricted. I spend one day with just him (while she's at work), and one night with the two of them, and then some online time, which is rarely long enough to allow to get into deeper issues.

I try to not to let my issues drag us down. However an ongoing battle with depression has shattered my self confidence. (the term "secondary" hasn't helped) I haven't brought up my jealousy of them, or the times when i feel so incredibly insecure…. since i feel:
- those are my issues, and I should be the one to build my own self confidence and that relying on other people to tell me who i am is the sure path to disaster
- she has had some jealousy struggles of her own and needs him to put her first in many ways
- and i don't want to be an extra drain, or make him have to choose between two of us, since that would make him feel bad. I know he loves the both of us.
- and I get so little time with them, i don't want to waste it with things that may end up coming across as manipulative or silly to bring up since i don't expect them to change
- part of me is afraid that if I reveal some of this, I'll be seen as too much of a burden and i'll get kicked to the curb. I think this is an irrational fear, but it plays in the back of my mind.

I am working on my self confidence, and I think part of that is being able to talk about this with them… I guess I just bite the bullet… just.. i grew up in a family that didn't talk about the big personal stuff, so… not really sure how to. I guess it is like the other personal stuff I talk about. This just feels like there is more at stake…

nycindie 03-06-2011 07:40 AM

I'm no expert, being new to this myself, but it seems to me that if you bring up these issues with them now, you might only drag the energy down and make things more complicated than they need to be at the moment. I am not saying you shouldn't communicate with them, but there is a time and place for certain kinds of things you need to express. I think what you really would benefit from right now, more than anything else, is finding another someone for a relationship. Someone who has more time for you. And then you can enjoy this couple more because you'd be getting lots of what you need elsewhere. Don't let yourself get too focused on them. Date other people, cultivate friendships, take part in activities that make you happy, too.

Welcome to the forum!

ladyjai 03-06-2011 02:10 PM

How do you know when the time is right?

Ah, yeah, I know I need another relationship. Much easier said than done...

I've only had two relationships before this one, and they were traumatic enough that the idea of trying to find a stranger(s) is as scary as jumping out of an airplane with only a bungee cord.

I do have other friends, and a few other activities without the couple - I kinda have to :)

But my circle of friends is fairly closed (by chance, not intention) and very married. :)

BlackUnicorn 03-06-2011 02:28 PM

Tried to spy where you live, but I think most larger towns have poly groups these days. Yeah, it can seem like a meat market sometimes, but besides partners, you could find some support and friends there, too. Even if you live in a more rural area, it might be worth the drive once or twice a month.

ladyjai 03-06-2011 02:33 PM

Sadly our local meetup group either doesn't get together anymore, or are not accepting new members at this time, since my membership has been "pending" for at least 4 months...

I live in Phoenix.

redpepper 03-06-2011 08:31 PM


Originally Posted by ladyjai (Post 69687)
I'm a part-time girlfriend to a couple. I have been dating them for one year as of today. (my relationship with lady has become asexual, but still hug, kiss and snuggle)

Just so you know, "asexual" is an orientation like gay or lesbian, not a relationship without sex... that would be non-sexual.

If this were me I would get on communicating with them. I think I would start with, "this is what I am working on and I would appreciate your help,,, let me know what you think and maybe we could talk about ways that we could work on this together." You have every right to ask for that... you are a valid and equal member of the three of you. no one can tell you or assume otherwise. No one is less than anyone else ever in my world... partners or otherwise. To me that is a very important value I have. I expect no less from others as that is what I expect of myself.

To me, my partners are there to support me and me to support them, no matter how much they are in my life. I see one of them once a month and I have this expectation. I have told him that... otherwise we don't have a partnership,,, a friendship maybe, but not a partnership. Partners to me are there through thick and thin, listen to me when I am at my most vulnerable, accept me for everything that I am as I do them and help me navigate my life, as I do with them...

Your situation sounds more like friends-with-benefits than a poly triad... actually it doesn't seem like a triad, its a vee to me. You don't seem to have an intimate relationship with her except through him, so I would say a vee.... You can call what you have what you want of course, it isn't my choice, but sometimes other peoples observations put things into perspective and can cause the realization of where there might be something a miss... this is why I am bringing it up. It might be helpful to think of your relationship a different way and even talk to them about it.

What do you want from a relationship with another, or others? What kind of depth do you need to have? Are you okay working on your stuff on your own as they do together? Are you okay with a more casual arrangement or are you ready for more depth? These are all questions you could ask... it sound like the time is now if you are here talking about it.

As for community, create your own... call people up, email them, IM them, whatever,,,, create an event on FB, whatever works and get together...

I have never heard of anything so ludicrous as waiting for membership... what the hell is that (what kind of group is it?)? Fuck that shit! Create your own group of like minded people and friends. If you need community and a dating pool, then do it. You don't have to be the "leader" just post something that says, "I would like to meet people, maybe you do too, come out to this meet and greet I am having."

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