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-   -   Poly Surprises? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7516)

MindfulAgony 03-06-2011 05:29 AM

Poly Surprises?
 
My biggest surprise about being poly is the reality that one relationship doesn't "make up" for the others. This hit me after one of my relationships ended abruptly due to things outside my control. I was absolutely devastated and inconsolable.

I had assumed for some reason that the existence of these other deep connections would cushion the blow. Nope. If it did, not by much. The pain I felt was the loss of the UNIQUE connection itself. The depth and number of additional connections could not account for the loss of the one. And so, the pain was as deep and wrenching as it was before Poly.

What has been your biggest Poly surprise?

LovingRadiance 03-06-2011 05:56 AM

I think the biggest surprise for me was how much more comfortable I am with Maca and how much more in love with him I am now.

I knew I loved him. I knew I didn't want to leave. But I don't think I had a clue exactly HOW damaging my attempt at being "mono" was to our relationship.

Being able to be real with him has allowed me to feel more loving and more loved by him. I feel more secure and more confident about myself, less self-conscious....

In fact, I was always worried about the other "hot" women he could be looking at-even though I knew he wouldn't cheat and I knew he loved me. I figured he was here more out of obligation.

Now, I FEEL his love, his attraction to me, his desire... and I feel that way towards him... I feel more free TO allow myself to feel those feelings towards him... almost like before, if I did, I was fostering the "attack" upon my true self...

Breathesgirl 03-06-2011 11:00 PM

I have never thought of myself as pretty or anything, closer to average so finding someone else who thinks I'm pretty was pretty amazing.

MindfulAgony 03-06-2011 11:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl (Post 69793)
I have never thought of myself as pretty or anything, closer to average so finding someone else who thinks I'm pretty was pretty amazing.

:)

redpepper 03-07-2011 06:36 AM

The biggest surprise for me has been how good I can be at time management, looking after myself in terms of energy levels and how content I can be.

I guess another huge one is that I am not an island. What I do and say affects people in ways I don't even know. I have to be considerate at all times of everyone around me. Something that I have grown to see is of biggest importance in poly after communication in terms of needs and information. Empathy/compassion/consideration.... HUGE!

MindfulAgony 03-07-2011 09:36 PM

I suck at time management. Trying hard to improve on that front. It is important.

Being mindful of the impact that we have on others is a really hard one to keep in mind. It's easy to practice poly as hyper-individualistic freedom. But, it seems that there's is so much you lose without extending your depth of connection across your network. But, if you do, you get to see more closely how your behavior, decisions, etc. ripple across.

Love it guys. Thanks for the insight.

Others?

BlackUnicorn 03-07-2011 10:07 PM

That the heart goes where it wants to, and rolls on the floor laughing its ass off at any of your feeble attempts to 'manage' your lovelife. And that the more open you are to love, the more love comes your way.

MindfulAgony 03-08-2011 01:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 69926)
That the heart goes where it wants to, and rolls on the floor laughing its ass off at any of your feeble attempts to 'manage' your lovelife. And that the more open you are to love, the more love comes your way.

Wow! Well said and funny too. I love, love, love it!

aliceloveshatter 03-08-2011 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MindfulAgony (Post 69949)
Wow! Well said and funny too. I love, love, love it!

This. BlackUnicorn, that was a beautifully true post.

Personally, the biggest surprise for me was that MsV was interested in me hah. I mean, there was chemistry between her and MrV for a long time, although none of us ever thought it was that kind of chemistry...
That and finding that I'd rather have people be blunt and upfront than sugary and polite when it comes to telling me how they feel. I thought htat with my current situation (mental health wise) I'd find that sort of naked truth hard to handle...but it helps. I'm more paranoid when people are polite heh.
x.S.x

Carma 03-08-2011 08:12 PM

I've heard the saying "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear," but I have been surprised to find that I had no idea what lessons I had to learn, or who was going to be doing the teaching! And the times when I though I was being called to be the teacher, lo and behold, it was ME who became the student, after all :o


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