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-   -   How do you cope with jealousy? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7513)

louise101 03-06-2011 02:12 AM

How do you cope with jealousy?
 
I have been feeling jealous, not overly so, but when my husband is with me I want his undivided attention but then he starts calling our third... and then our third's friend. Must be nice to have that many friends. I have no one to talk to... I am stuck with message boards. I feel like I am being left out of everything, though my husband says the opposite. But I also can't talk about my feelings with him because I don't say things well and it just leads to him being angry because I am still trying to get my head wrapped around actually having a girlfriend.

Just needed to vent and this is the only place I have to talk about the lifestyle and how I am trying to get used to living it, it's way different than talking about it.

nycindie 03-06-2011 02:45 AM

Hi Louise,
So sorry you're going through a rough time. Hopefully you will find friendship here on this forum. As for jealousy, there are tons and tons of threads here about what it is, how to cope, etc.

Use the search function at the top of the page - use advanced search to find either terms or tags. Whenever you post, you can add a tag to your message, by scrolling down to the bottom where it says Edit Tags. i just added two to this thread.

If you have more specific questions, there are lots of wise folks here who can help. Welcome!

redpepper 03-06-2011 07:47 PM

Jealousy is usually a fear or needs not being met. You said in your post what need is not being met... companionship with like minded people. So go and create that for yourself. You are responsible for opening doors that allow things into your life... it sound like your partner has shown you a door, you could take it, or find your own.

It sounds like you need to get out and do some stuff. Go to some things on your own maybe and see who you meet. The only way to meet people in person is to go to places in person. I suggest going and having no expectation of finding instant friendship. Go to something you know you will enjoy and just sit back and observe the first or second time...

Maybe a poly event? If there isn't one in your area, put the word out to those you know that are poly or interested and meet them somewhere for coffee, or drinks or whatever... start a group that meets to talk about some issues like jealousy. Not only could you make some like minded friends, but find some others that are going through similar things and be able to bounce issues off of them for support.

There is much under tag searches under "jealousy" btw.

louise101 03-06-2011 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 69665)
Hi Louise,
So sorry you're going through a rough time. Hopefully you will find friendship here on this forum. As for jealousy, there are tons and tons of threads here about what it is, how to cope, etc.

Use the search function at the top of the page - use advanced search to find either terms or tags. Whenever you post, you can add a tag to your message, by scrolling down to the bottom where it says Edit Tags. i just added two to this thread.

If you have more specific questions, there are lots of wise folks here who can help. Welcome!


Thank you! I will do that search later this evening when I have some free time!

louise101 03-06-2011 08:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 69759)
Jealousy is usually a fear or needs not being met. You said in your post what need is not being met... companionship with like minded people. So go and create that for yourself. You are responsible for opening doors that allow things into your life... it sound like your partner has shown you a door, you could take it, or find your own.

It sounds like you need to get out and do some stuff. Go to some things on your own maybe and see who you meet. The only way to meet people in person is to go to places in person. I suggest going and having no expectation of finding instant friendship. Go to something you know you will enjoy and just sit back and observe the first or second time...

Maybe a poly event? If there isn't one in your area, put the word out to those you know that are poly or interested and meet them somewhere for coffee, or drinks or whatever... start a group that meets to talk about some issues like jealousy. Not only could you make some like minded friends, but find some others that are going through similar things and be able to bounce issues off of them for support.


I do need to get out, there just don't seem to be enough hours in the day/week/month for that. I'm working and studying for the bar exam (not taking it until 2012 but I've been out of school for 5 years, I need the full year and a half to study), I want to spend time with my kids, I have a craft business that I'm trying to keep going to bring in a little extra $$$... plus, around here anyway, going out requires money. Which we have, but just enough to get by... there's not a lot of extra to hang out at a coffee shop or anything. And I've been out of "public life" for so long... I'm not even sure I remember how to talk to people I don't know (or that I know through my husband, I'm great at sharing friends with him, LOL).

I know no one in the life, except on the message boards. My husband has a circle of friends at school that know our views (because they know both my husband and our girlfriend - they came out to a few of their close friends), but around here... no one knows and I don't know anyone. I looked for "meetups" but the closest is 4 hours away. And with everything else I have going on, I'm not sure I'd have the time to organize anything of that nature.

I'm not a very public person, I'm definitely a home-body which doesn't help the emotional (read: lonely) aspects of this life. I know that next year will be better. We are getting a place where he is that is big enough for me and the kids to go and stay for a week or so throughout the year, so all of us (the whole triad) can have more opportunities to be together, but it would also take some of the pressure of driving off my husband (it's a 14 hour round trip for him to come home, that's a lot of wasted study time for the weekends he gets to come home). And the best news is that he'll be finished with school a year from May. Hip, hip hooray! So this separation is only temporary.

Now... to figure out something cheap to do to get out of this house and try to meet people for the few hours I have available in the month. LOL

Thank you!

redpepper 03-07-2011 06:46 AM

Sometimes these things take time. It sounds like you are aware of what you need... if you start now working towards it, it will happen... okay you don't like coffee shops, maybe you can start a poly crafting circle... a friend of mine here has a poly "stitch and bitch" at her house once a month... everyone comes and sew, knits, whatever... hangs out and talks, gets projects done. Its a great way to kill two birds with one stone.

Being creative might mean that you will meet some people without putting too much pressure on yourself. If you know this, adapt your ideas to it. I bet there are other poly people that are just as anxious about meeting people in coffee shops. Never know who you will find until you start getting on inviting and creating events that suit you.

Good luck :)

louise101 03-07-2011 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 69843)
Sometimes these things take time. It sounds like you are aware of what you need... if you start now working towards it, it will happen... okay you don't like coffee shops, maybe you can start a poly crafting circle... a friend of mine here has a poly "stitch and bitch" at her house once a month... everyone comes and sew, knits, whatever... hangs out and talks, gets projects done. Its a great way to kill two birds with one stone.

Being creative might mean that you will meet some people without putting too much pressure on yourself. If you know this, adapt your ideas to it. I bet there are other poly people that are just as anxious about meeting people in coffee shops. Never know who you will find until you start getting on inviting and creating events that suit you.

Good luck :)

Thanks redpepper! Actually, I love coffee shops... just wish they didn't charge $5 for a cup of coffee I can make at home (my hubby got me an espresso machine last year) for .50. ROFL

I really like the crafting circle idea. Tea, coffee, cookies and crafts while sitting around the living room chatting... THAT is my idea of a good time (ok, I'm a dork, I admit it, LOL).

Any ideas on how to meet other poly people in the area? I looked for meetups but the closest was 4 hours away.

redpepper 03-07-2011 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by louise101 (Post 69871)
Thanks redpepper! Actually, I love coffee shops... just wish they didn't charge $5 for a cup of coffee I can make at home (my hubby got me an espresso machine last year) for .50. ROFL

I really like the crafting circle idea. Tea, coffee, cookies and crafts while sitting around the living room chatting... THAT is my idea of a good time (ok, I'm a dork, I admit it, LOL).

Any ideas on how to meet other poly people in the area? I looked for meetups but the closest was 4 hours away.

Put an add on Criagslist, talk on the poly forums on OKCupid or add it on your profile there, if you have one. Put an add up here in the "meetings and events" section... leave your contact info and then wait. Maybe the meet up that is four hours away would let everyone know that you are starting something up in your area. It could be that people from your area actually do make the trek to the meet up and would prefer to go to something closer.


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