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-   -   Trying to figure out where to go from here (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7480)

bostonwife 03-05-2011 01:53 AM

Trying to figure out where to go from here
My husband and have been married for over a year, but we've been together for over 5. At the same time we are only 21. In the past past five months our ideas on sex have drastically changed. We've gone from totally monogamous, to having a limited wife swap with a close couple, to contemplating polyamory. It scary and exciting at the same time. The unsure part is how is this going to effect our life. Will we be able to stay together and be happy? We both want children, how will polyamory effect this? I'm also worried that I won't be able to not be jealous if we enter into a relationship due to insecurity. I guess I'm just looking for insight from people who've been in similar situations. Should we go ahead, or play it on the conservative side?

LovingRadiance 03-05-2011 02:55 AM

only you can answer that question.

The best advice I can give is deal with your insecurities becuase regardless of what you do with your relationship boundaries, insecurities are a pain in the ass.


bostonwife 03-05-2011 01:49 PM

In Addition
I guess I was just wanting to get it out, I haven't talked about it to anyone. It's a hard topic to bring up to people. Eventually, I will make the decision. In part I already have. I'm currently in France for 3 month due to school. I've given him free rein for the most part. I guess my insecurities lie in not being the primary even though I'm married to him, secondary would suck. So I'm not sure how to fix this emotion. Maybe it's not necessary to, but at the same time stuff happens. Even if we have the best intention. He might fall in love someone who becomes more important. This is also where I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to control jealousy, not the physical part but the emotional.

nycindie 03-05-2011 03:37 PM

Relationships when you're young are usually very emotional and tend to be full of drama. Relationships when you are just married are challenging. I would say to keep building security and strength in your marriage before you take the plunge into full-on polyamorous situations. Read about it, talk with your hubs about it, but I don't think you need to act upon anything before you're ready or if there's any instability in any area of your marriage. Make sure you have a stable foundation to which you can return if an additional relationship goes kablooey.

Mahogany 03-05-2011 07:38 PM

I agree with Nycindie.....I would slow down a bit and try and figure out why the need for others? As young adults....being 21 is usually a natural time to explore. To find yourself, to grow and become the person you are going to become.

Really communicate and try and understand your desires behind it all.....and be as honest with yourselves as possible. At the same time, build a very strong connect through honesty and caring for each other and supporting each other....and compromise and sacrificing for each other.

I am new to this as well....and what has helped me is what I call a "Trial and Error".....I didn't intend it to be that, but it turned into that when I set boundaries I THOUGHT I was ok with (then after the experience I realized I had to re-set things because I was hurt by his actions).....Give a little at a time, or a lot at first the change and modify until you feel ok with things.

You may still feel scared and insecure.....but boundaries for me have become a safety net....."water-wings" I am using before I am ready to take the plunge :o

Boundaries and this family (the people her at Polyamory.com) have been my safety net :)

I have also learned that there is going to be some growing pains along the way...

redpepper 03-05-2011 07:54 PM

There is no reason this can't work with a solid foundation and mutually understood and negotiated boundaries...

I suggest looking at some threads here and reading up before setting forth. Do a tag search, "lessons" "foundations" is a good place to start,,, and "jealousy" Then branch out and read everything that is of interest.

Educate yourself and keep communicating honestly. If you are meant to be together you will be, if you are meant to achieve all the goals you have laid out, you will, there is no knowing what the future will hold, but you can at least be as prepared as you possibly can be.

bostonwife 03-05-2011 10:18 PM

Our relationship has a very stable foundation. We have good communication. We talk about everything and tell each other everything. I may be in France for the time being but we still make sure to talk for at least an hour everyday. Weíve discussed polyamory in detail even more since my first post. Starting with how we believe a couple would be the best for us. I think this would help me with my insecurity/ jealousy issue. Iím not insecure in our relationship now. Itís strong. I just feel like if we had a girl in our relationship I would be. I do not consider myself bi, so would that mean he would split his time? Him splitting time would be my problem. But if we found another couple I wouldnít be alone, we would both be splitting time together.

Weíve been setting boundaries. Itís still sort of a work in progress to figure it out. I appreciate all the suggestions, though. We definitely still need to learn more about it. Thanks for the search ideas. Iíve been trying to read as much about it as I can. Itís enlightening to see the different side of it and it makes me understand where I fit in to the idea of polyamory. Itís definitely not something thatís going to happen over night. Due to many different constraints, like not being in the same country, nevermind not knowing who we would like have a relationship with.

Thanks again for all the ideas and information.

redpepper 03-05-2011 10:57 PM

It sounds like you are doing the things that you can do, besides just experiencing it... that could take time and confidence, there is no rush. Really, there is never a rush to do anything where relationships are concerned, besides getting on communicating, which you are doing. Speculation is all you can do right now... walk through scenarios, try ideas on, talk about them and then realize you likely will find that you will either never experience the situation discussed the same way, or won't react the same way. At least you can get an idea of how each other will react though and that is all you can do for now.

bostonwife 03-06-2011 12:17 AM

That's a great idea! Thanks. It's true the situations will probably never be the same, but at least it will give us an idea of how we feel about things.

nycindie 03-06-2011 12:23 AM


Originally Posted by bostonwife (Post 69638)
Our relationship has a very stable foundation. We have good communication.

Hey, that's great. I hope you didn't think that I meant to imply your relationship was not stable. I didn't. It's just that we never know what will knock us off kilter, especially in relationships. So it's good to try and learn as much as possible, ask as many questions as possible, and look at all potential scenarios to prepare for taking the leap. Great that you are already setting boundaries, it will help to know what makes one or both of you uncomfortable, how to handle certain issues, etc. You sound like you're in a good place.

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