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-   -   A monkey wrench... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=745)

Libre2Love 09-07-2009 08:12 PM

A monkey wrench...
Well, as soon as I decide to post an introduction of myself to everyone and share a bit about my interest in polyamory based on a new love in our lives, a monkey wrench gets thrown in. Our new love, W, has four children all under the age of 12 and his ex has suddenly decided that she wants him back. They've been separated for two years and on the path to divorce and because of his immense love for his children, he's actually considering it. I'm so sad about this but I cannot blame him for wanting to be with his children. What is really sad, for him, is that he's willing to sacrifice his happiness to be with his kids. I truly admire that because I grew up with divorced parents and my father wasn't the most active in my life. He was there but not fully. For W to feel the need to reconcile is understandable. He's so sensitive to the needs of his children and it actually pains him every time he has to take them home from their every-other-weekend visit.

Yet, as much as I admire him for contemplating this, it hurts me. It even hurts my husband because we have both opened our hearts to him. The little time weíve known him he has worked his way into our hearts and lives more than we could have imagined. But, itís a wonderful feeling to know that my hubby and I are open and honest enough with one another and how we feel to admit that we love W. Maybe itís differently, from each of our perspectives, but we both do love him. We enjoy his company, his laughter, his mind, his touch. I want to respect his decision, should he decide to go back to her, but I canít help but be sad at the thought of possibly losing him. Iíve vowed to support him and whatever decision he makes. Maybe because I know that the children come first. I am a product of divorced parents and I recall the need, as a child, to have both my parents involved in my life. I rarely got that, but I wanted it more than anything. Because of that, I have no choice but to support him, especially if he decides to reconcile with his ex. It doesnít mean I wonít hurt, though.

DarkHorseJ27 09-07-2009 08:18 PM

Though I've never been in that situation, I know what it feels like to have your heart open to someone and then they leave.

I really don't have any advice to give, but I do hope that everything turns out best for everyone involved.

Libre2Love 09-07-2009 08:41 PM

Thank you Dark. I'm not really seeking advice, at this point. I just needed to let it out to people who could understand.

Thank you for your thoughts. :)

XYZ123 09-07-2009 09:27 PM

I'm sorry this is happening. In my marriage and any other relationship we might open to, we have always said our children are our primary relationship. So I understand his desire to be in their lives more.

But, as a product of parents who SHOULD have divorced, I can't understand staying together for the kids. Unless they can truly reconcile and they really want to be with eachother, a healthy divorce IMO is better on the children than a consistently unhealthy marriage. And he can remain involved in their lives as long as he's willing to put in the time and effort, with or without reconciling.

Libre2Love 09-07-2009 09:52 PM

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I just don't want to be th one to give
him that advice. That may seem or be perceived as a selfish opinion. I can only hope he'll figure out the right thing to do for him and his children.

kinkyshoes 09-08-2009 11:08 PM

The fact that he is such a commited parent is probably part of why you guys love him so much. He sounds like a lovely guy. I'm always attracted to people who are really lovely with their kids :)

Libre2Love 09-08-2009 11:55 PM

Hi Kinkyshoes, yes, that is exactly one of the main reasons we love him. His devotion is admirable and amazing. Especially these days where many divorces leave the children without both parents. I was a product of that and I wouldn't respect him if he did that to his. W just seems to be a great fit for both my hubby and I. They get along, have things in common...our times together are always pleasant. The thought of losing him hurts but I'm more than willing to step aside for his children. If our love is that deep and strong, well, if we're lucky it will return to us again someday.

Fidelia 09-09-2009 08:03 PM

Hi, Libre2Love. As a woman, my heart goes out to you. I know how much it hurts to watch someone you love do the right thing, for the right reason, and know it will mean sacrifice for your loved one, and for you. I know your sorrow. :( *hugs* And knowing it is the right thing doesn't make it hurt less, or at least not much. But take comfort in knowing that "Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted." You can count on it.

As a child of divorce myself, I know that by placing their well-being first above all things, W is blessing his children in more ways than anyone can know. My father made many such sacrifices for my brother and I when we were growing up, and it has made such an enormous difference in our lives, especially mine. In many ways, a girl grows up to believe she is worth what her father says she is worth. My Daddy showed me by word and deed that, to him, I was a pearl of great price, and so now, I know I am.

So be strong, SisterWoman. Support your loved one's committment to bless his children, and know that you will be blessed too, in good time. Because the universal law of karma is always in effect, and what goes around still comes back around. You can count on that too. ;)

Libre2Love 09-09-2009 08:50 PM

Fidelia, thank you for your kind words. They nearly brought tears to my eyes. I know that more than anything, the children come first. Never having felt that I came first in either of my parents lives, I would never, not even contemplate, getting in the way of that for W or anyone that I love. I also believe in karma and I know that by allowing love to dictate this situation, love will bless me in return at some point. Actually, in pondering that further I must share that I know I am already blessed with love. My hubby, C, is an amazing man full of love, compassion and understanding. He's even sad at the thought of losing W but also understands that his love for them comes first. We can only hang in there and wait until he makes his decision. Patience is a virtue, right? :)

Fidelia 09-09-2009 08:58 PM

And good things come to those who wait.

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