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-   -   curveballs?...but I don't even like baseball (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7443)

Redcrow75 03-03-2011 06:26 PM

curveballs?...but I don't even like baseball
 
Rather than go though the whole introduction thing, I decided to jump right here because more than anything I need to tell this story and get feedback on it as soon as possible. But still, some stuff about me:
I'm 35, a student (english major), in the US, and I live for horror movies and music. Crazy extreme metal mostly, but more than anything else I adore the Cure. And obscure, mopey, psychedelic late 80s-early-90s shoegaze and Britpop. I would also like to apologize in advance for the plethora of naughty words. It's the way I "talk", and nothing can be held back here, so I'm cutting loose.

So here's the story: I have a wonderful friend. A beautiful friend. My "dreamgirl", actually. With complete unsarcastic sincerity we call eachother "Prince" and "Princess". She makes me feel cared for, warm, safe, and wow even attractive sometimes. And to me, in my private galaxy and heart, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever known. That's no bullshit, either. I sound cheesy when I say things like that, but I absolutely mean it! I say lots of silly romantic things to her, and I proabably sound ridiculous, but I never hold them back because I love drowning her in pretty words and she deserves them. We have been close for a little over a decade, and are hopelessly drowning in a thirsty need for eachother. Our connection is almost supernatural and thicker than the richest yummiest caramel. But here comes curveball #1. She lives in England, I'm in America. We have never met (although we've seen pictures of eachother...my heart stops and my lungs collapse every time I see a new one). Yes, it's one of those relationships.
But I don't give a fuck, because I believe in what we are and how we feel about eachother. I believe in all the years we've spent talking and bonding and pining. I have mad and blissful faith in the need I have for her and the tinglies I get in my stomach when we talk (yes, even after a decade). I love this woman as much as a human being in a situation like this possibly could. No, fuck that, my adoration for her blasts lightspeed past even that. Curveball #2: she's married. Curveball #2.5: she has children. She has expressed a tremendous amount of dissatisfaction and emotional greyness reguarding her husband, and for around two years now she's been separated from him. In fact, two springs ago, she even asked me if she could finally, at long last, have the honor of calling me her "boyfriend". Absolutely she could!! I walked on air for days after than conversation.
Fuck! This is so complicated. I see pinwheels just looking at the screen and trying to write this. I know the cynicism of the whole "long distance" thing, but I don't buy into it. If you want to be with a person, you fucking get to them somehow someday and you be with them.

right?

There are so many obstacles. Do I eventually move to England, or does she move here? I would take every connection I have to my current life and sever them all with a butter knife and fucking swin to England if I could, but I can't. Due to health reasons, which is a whole other set of curveballs. Whole other sport, actually. And it would be terribly difficult for her to move here for obvious and understandable reasons. There are so many details here that I am leaving out. It's totally by accident because I'm writing this as quickly as possible and I'm cold and very nervous. I'm sure in future posts other important details will come up.

Anyway, for the past year-or-so, she's been doing something a tad disquieting. She disappears. For, like, a month or more. I've been patient and understanding with that (although not talking to her and not knowing fucking shit about what's going on turns me into a walking bleeding exposed nerve). I've been getting a bit emotional and weird about it lately, but on the whole we have never had any grand battles about it.

...(thinks)...

I mean, this is fucking hardcore life stuff! She has asked me in the past how I would feel about children (hers? awesome! our possible future ones? dream come true, I adore seedlings!). She has discussed future possible marriage scenarios, and even picked out a to-die-for dress.
(Swoons) My princess....a woman I genuinely love with more passion than I ever have for any other girl I actually touched.

Then a few days ago, after another long absence, she appeared. I was a bit hostile, I couldn't help it. She said she had something to tell me. Something she has been thinking about for ages, and she was afraid to tell me because she thought I would hate her. What?!?! Hate her? There is nothing that she could do that would ever make me hate her. I mean that. When there is a love as strong and powerful as ours, nothing could even crack it.
Then she told me she was polyamorous.

I'm taking a break. I want candy. I need to start writing a research paper for my medieval lit class too. But I'll be back in a short while to continue/conclude.

I hope I'm treated well here...

lovemultiplied 03-03-2011 06:57 PM

Better that she's poly than simply cheating, IMO.

Give yourself some time to work through it. And then... Make a choice... But welcome regardless :)

Catfish 03-03-2011 10:10 PM

Welcome.

This will be the easiest response I have ever given on this forum.

I have three suggestions (read: instructions) for you. 1. Eat some candy. 2. Buy a plane ticket to England. 3. Talk to the woman you love face to face. After a decade of pining, you deserve that.

FlameKat 03-03-2011 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catfish (Post 69288)
Welcome.

This will be the easiest response I have ever given on this forum.

I have three suggestions (read: instructions) for you. 1. Eat some candy. 2. Buy a plane ticket to England. 3. Talk to the woman you love face to face. After a decade of pining, you deserve that.

THIS..... with bells on...

redpepper 03-04-2011 12:37 AM

I will add one more thing to your list Catfish. 4. Call her up and talk to her husband.

This woman says she is not doing well in her marriage? .... and she is poly.... and she disappears.....

I see some red flags here. Maybe she isn't really doing badly in her marriage, she isn't poly but cheating with you and she is cheating with someone else also, hence disappearing on you. She could actually be getting along great with her husband too.... another possibility there.

You know nothing of any of what is going on for her... sorry, but I think she is playing you and I think you need to find out more before buying a ticket to see her. Why not find out if it will be money worth spending.

I would tell her you are thinking of coming over and are so excited to meet her friends and family.... especially your new buddy and metamour.... her husband! YAYS ALL AROUND!!!! You can be honestly excited about this... I don't mean to sound sarcastic... after all, you are going to meet her if this goes well.

I wonder what her reaction would be? It could be awesome and she is getting the spare room ready within a day, or you could be met with a wall of shit flying right at you....or silence.... the only way to find out is to start asking questions and talking to her husband! In my opinion, making sure other partners are on board is crucial. At the very least making sure they know I exist. This from some experience.

I know you think you love this woman and in your own way you do... until you know her truth and actually meet her and are in a position to take on some of the responsibility of being with a woman with kids and a hubby, I think I would proceed with caution and some realism.

nycindie 03-04-2011 01:58 AM

Hi there. I am always skeptical about long-distance relationships in which someone says they're in love with a person whom they've never met in real life. In my humble opinion, the kind of chemistry and deep connection that makes love possible really only happens after you spend time with someone in person. Til then, it's just smoke and mirrors, even if you've video-cammed or skyped or whatever. That's just how I see things like this, take it or leave it. I have nothing against LDRs -- heck, I once had one for over a year with someone in New Zealand (and I'm in New York) -- but an LDR really can't be counted upon unless the people involved have met at some point and had the experience of being together for real. Ten years is a really long time, I grant you that, but without having ever met her that amount of time also makes a lot of room for fantasy. Really, you say you know her, but do you? Is she really separated from her husband for the last two years, as she says, or is it some other kind of situation? When she says she's poly, does that mean it's something new or she's been living polyamorously all along? She could be radically different from who she seems to be in emails and on the phone.

I think the best thing to do is plan a visit -- not uprooting your life to move there, for chrissakes -- a visit! Meet the real person and get to know who she is in the flesh, and see if she is someone with whom you actually would want to engage in a polyamorous tangle, or any kind of relationship for that matter. Good luck!




And since you're a Cure fan...

A Thousand Hours

For how much longer can I howl into this wind?
For how much longer
Can I cry like this?

A thousand wasted hours a day
Just to feel my heart for a second
A thousand hours just thrown away
Just to feel my heart for a second

For how much longer can I howl into this wind?

BlackUnicorn 03-04-2011 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 69324)
Maybe she isn't really doing badly in her marriage, she isn't poly but cheating with you and she is cheating with someone else also, hence disappearing on you.

Never a one to miss an opportunity to lead a thread off-topic, I caught on this immediately. So an online -only long-distance relationship with no physical side whatsoever is cheating, too?

I'm asking because with poly being all about openness, is there a limit to how open a couple wants to become? Do you tell about every crush you have on someone, whether and especially if you have no intention to act on it? About every person you find attractive? In poly, is there such a thing as privacy?

I have been in monopractical relationships only and have openly communicated whenever I had the teeniest-tweeniest crush on someone else, and was warmly :rolleyes: thanked for over-sharing. I was questioned why, if I had no intention of pursuing a physical relationship with these individuals, I had to make my feelings known. Well, because I want to be honest and open.

I guess this is different for every couple, but how I would describe the relationship between the original poster and his love is romantic friendship, not an affair. So, do you always and immediately want to know about any and all feelings your partner might be developing for someone else?

Back to the original post;
Wow, I took a nap and reread everything, and let me get this right, RedCrow; the hubby doesn't know that you exists at all? So for the last ten years, he's had no idea of this double online life your lover has been leading?

I'm happy to hear that your love has nourished and sustained you for ten years and is still going strong. However, it reads as if your lover is no longer (if she ever was) available to you in the way you would wish her to be. She is pitching curveballs at you, and you keep missing. The sudden disappearances do speak either of another relationship or that she and hubby are sorting their stuff out. Either she has already been caught with you or is very close to getting caught, and is becoming more careful. Her coming out to you as polyamorous might be an interlude to her honestly wanting to end what must be an exhausting double life and get the two (or more?) men in her life together to start again. It might also speak of an incredibly long and painful break up to come. Take care of yourself! You only have one heart to spare.

Redcrow75 03-04-2011 04:29 PM

Wow! My stein runneth over! Thanks for the feedback, it is all tremendously appreciated. Unfortunately I didn't even get to wrap everything up yesterday. I got involved with my paper and stuff. Anyhoo..

I'm not a close-minded person, nor religiously guilt-ridden and moralistic, nor judgemental, or anything like that. But the "poly" lifestyle/perspective is definitely new to me and difficult to digest. And communication recently becoming so difficult with her isn't fucking helping matters. Nope, not at all. Unfortunately I responded to her news with proabably the worst possible statement: "I don't share!"
Ooh shit, that didn't go over well. But it was a thought that wasn't stated properly. I was confused and flew off the handle, and it was difficult to explain. Instant-message conversations are difficult to have sometimes.
First off, I immediately concluded that she came to this realization because she still had feelings for her ex (?). But it is quite possible I'm wrong about that. She indicated to me that more than anything she sees this more as a newly discovered dimension in her capability of loving someone. Or should I say more than one someone. I'm actually not 100% sure if there even IS another. But above all else, it is foolish and arrogant on my part to just try to guess at where her epiphany actually came from. What matters is that it matters to her. But I don't know where to go from here.
I absolutely DO NOT love her any less, nor have I lost any respect for her or anything like that. My hopes for the future have not been dimmed or abandoned. But, what about the possible "marriage" thing we occasionally fancied on and on about? To me marriage still very much represents a two-person equasion. I'm not saying "poly" is wrong. I'm just saying that I have yet to emotionally AND intellectually digest it properly. I don't understand. And how can I? Specifically, with her, I mean. How can I understand what she is truly thinking when we haven't even really spoken more than one or two sentences to eachother in emails since Sunday? She sent me an email about how she felt Sunday night, and she suggested I come here simply to read and learn, but I felt it was neccessary to actually join and communicate with people. I fucking want to find a way to work this out. But how? I'm so sorry, but I just don't think...
There are so many "but"s and "what if"s floating around in my head...I don't know if this all fits with the way I look at life. I don't want to say it's impossible to be in love with more than one person, because it isn't. But I don't know if I want...
fuckfuckfuck!!!
I can't even complete a proper sentence. Not because I'm holding back, but because I'm literally so mixed up about it that I can't form complete thoughts.

I sincerely hope my ignorance and confusion isn't offending anyone. This is something I didn't expect. And now that I face this sudden difficulty getting in touch with her, it just makes it all seem even more difficult to work out.
Yes guys, I know I need to talk to her ex and yes I know I need to ask certain questions that I haven't asked yet. Yes I know we need to meet before anything truly solid can be decided. But where will that all go if she has deep and active feelings for someone else and I can't (or won't) handle it. It's too early to tell if that is going to happen or not, but...
Whatever...right now I just wish I could talk to her, but she just isn't making herself available...I should be saying this stuff (and a whole lot more) actually to HER..but that isn't happening...so where to go from here?
I don't mean to be so dramatic.
I'm just an ignorant alpha-male, I guess lol.

"I don't share."

What a fucking asshole.

**I will post some specific responses to your posts, but not in this particular post.

Redcrow75 03-04-2011 04:53 PM

BlackUnicorn:
Wow, I took a nap and reread everything, and let me get this right, RedCrow; the hubby doesn't know that you exists at all? So for the last ten years, he's had no idea of this double online life your lover has been leading?that isn't it...lol see, I get over-emotional and leave out gigantic details...
I shall clarify:
she has been expressing unhappiness in her marriage pretty much the whole time I've known her....to her I am (was?) the knight in shining armour, the way things "should" be, the romantic solution..I hesitate to use a word as dismissive as "escape" because its soooo much more than that, but..
her husband knows about me, and according to her he knows she and I are extremely close, and if they are ever truly solidly apart I'm going to be the one to benefit..but beyond that I don't know what is said.

I'm happy to hear that your love has nourished and sustained you for ten years and is still going strong. However, it reads as if your lover is no longer (if she ever was) available to you in the way you would wish her to be.It has indeed nourished, and I hope it remains as such nomatter what happens...she has valid and understandable reasons for not being around much, but that doesn't always help....what's worse is now she IS around and online, but I never hear from her...I have to admit, that shit STINGS!

The sudden disappearances do speak either of another relationship or that she and hubby are sorting their stuff out. Either she has already been caught with you or is very close to getting caught, and is becoming more careful. Her coming out to you as polyamorous might be an interlude to her honestly wanting to end what must be an exhausting double life and get the two (or more?) men in her life together to start again. It might also speak of an incredibly long and painful break up to come.all of these things are possibilities, but im trusting her to tell me if things like that are going on...so I guess I'm in denial, or I'm stupid, or maybe she actually is pure of heart and intention
__________________

Redcrow75 03-04-2011 05:12 PM

nycindie:

Hi there. I am always skeptical about long-distance relationships in which someone says they're in love with a person whom they've never met in real life. In my humble opinion, the kind of chemistry and deep connection that makes love possible really only happens after you spend time with someone in person. Til then, it's just smoke and mirrors, even if you've video-cammed or skyped or whatever. That's just how I see things like this, take it or leave it.
I look at our situation through extremely chivalric and romantic eyes, and yes again I will admit to thinking everything you said and yes it all makes sense..but I'm very optimistic, and maybe naive..
Ten years is a really long time, I grant you that, but without having ever met her that amount of time also makes a lot of room for fantasy.
Again, those are facts that I can't ignore...but I do anyway...I love her, however much a love like this can go, and I'm struggling and fighting to keep that, nomatter what cracks may suddenly be appearing
Really, you say you know her, but do you? Is she really separated from her husband for the last two years, as she says, or is it some other kind of situation? When she says she's poly, does that mean it's something new or she's been living polyamorously all along? She could be radically different from who she seems to be in emails and on the phone.
Do I know her? Not explicitly and completely. But I want to, reguardless of what it is I may learn.
(sigh) and oh yeah..we don't talk on the phone...I have her number, but i have been encouraged to not use it (even though I would gladly pay long distance $$)
I think the best thing to do is plan a visit -- not uprooting your life to move there, for chrissakes -- a visit!
lol we have no intention of uprooting anything..i know we have to meet..as far as i know we are going to this summer...but she needs to fly here, unfortunately..once she gets here I'm going to treat her to the very best America has to offer (slight sarcasm there), but it is quite essential that for the time being she comes here..

**thanks for the Cure lyrics..
it is great to meet a fellow fan, it unfortunately seems as though we are a dying breed..


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