What does a mono husband do about his daughter's discovery of her mothers poly?
I guess I to would be considered a struggling mono for now. I've posted some questions and made comments on other threads so my story is around in here.
@Sage- I'm not sure if you and I have directly communicated or not forgive me if we have. How long have you been in this type of relationship? how long before finding this site? Is or was your husband a member of this site? Do you have children with your husband? If so how old? How much do they know?
My current problem is the horrible relationship dynamic that my wife and daughter currently have. Its becoming unbearable for me and my son. Last night at restaurant I told both of them to fix the problem or I would come up with a solution no one was going to like. If you need background you can check out "Primary status rejected" in New To page.
I'm sorry, I've seen your thread but because it didn't strike me as having a polymono component and it was so long I haven't read it. I tried to get the gist of what's going on for you but even that's difficult from here.
Are your kids having difficulty with your polyamory?
My kids are not really kids at all I suppose, 26 and 19, but they still have issues with polyamory. My 26 year old is very christian and so has had some strong opinions but we are very close and so she is tying to understand. My 19 year old initially freaked out but is also coming around. Neither live with us so that makes things a bit easier.
Z's kids are younger and have only been introduced to his SO as a good friend.
The more I travel down the polyamorous path of my relationship the more I realise that it is a kind of micro for the macro that is our life. Everything in it highlights an aspect of our life that is either working well or not working well. With older kids it tends to show the level of mutual understanding, connection and respect we have with them in all areas of our lives.
no reason to be sorry at all. Originally my problem was the time, attention, "dates" were being done out of a sense of fairness or obligation. My natural reaction was thank you but no thank you. After doing lots of reading and asking lots of questions this phenomenon is not that unusual. And its general cause is NRE.
I guess the reason for my thread was a reaction to my situation as someone that's not seeing the rainbow.....I can see how you didn't see a polymono component.
My kids are younger ..... daughter is 13 and the oldest and going through her own change.... I personally think that her having to deal with her mothers sexuality or marriage concepts at this exact time is unfair and irresponsible.
How young are Z's children ? What are their gender(s)? do you think gender makes a difference? It sounds like you are divorced...did the poly conversation with your kids happen as a result before or as a matter of fact after?
I can understand your being fed up and having moments when you wish it were all tied up in a nice bow... but saying that would of been better, no? Now I would wonder if they are left feeling hopeless.... usually when someone says that to me (my mother did MANY times in my childhood) I felt hopeless, helpless and left stranded emotionally and disrespected... this isn't good communication to me. No one can do stuff FOR YOU. You have to do it together.
It's rather self centred to me to think that people will just make it right when you snap your fingers. Think of when someone has said the same thing to you. It's a common way of raising children to no?. "Do as I say! no questions asked, and smarten up. What's your problem!" Usually this is what is said to boys, but in my house, and others I'm sure, it was directed at us by our mum when she had had enough... we learned nothing from it; nothing about how she felt, what we could do to help, as she never requested any help, and nothing about how to conduct ourselves in the future,,, just how to shut up and deal with our own hurt feelings at not getting our needs met (usually it was because we were hungry).
They don't know how to make it right. Your wife does not know how to make it right it seems. She does her own thing I think because there doesn't seem to be any communication on how to ask for what she needs. That is evident, no? It seems so if this is how you are communicating. It shuts her down and tells her and your kids that you better do this or there will be consequences. Ones that you won't like. That is threatening. They now think that they better smarten up or you will do something yet have no idea how to. Yet you get to sit back and wait for them to sort it out... nothing falls on you at all? Except to dish out some punishment after? There are other ways my friend.
So why not be inviting with finding ways to do that... In one set of good communication skills (NVC to be precise) there is a conflict resolution list that one can go through with another they are having a conflict with... it's on the communication thread in the stickes... or should be. Tell me if it isn't and I will add it. Maybe you should have a look. Or look at non-violent communication on line and see if you can get some new ways of asking for your needs to be met.... its part of a way of doing poly that sets solid foundations. It offers a way to speak to each other with respect and compassion. I hear none in the above quote. Really, its just one good way of having relationship skills that work. I wonder how much would clear up if you and the wife went and got some new skills in the area of communicating.
RP is a very wise woman and I'm coming in on this very late but I have managed to find your original post. I'm afraid I haven't got time to go back over everything else and I actually agree with RP on the children thing. As an aside Z's kids are 11 and 12 (girl and boy) and they don't live with us either. He would not expose them to a multitude of different partners even if he had them, which he doesn't. He does like them to know his SO as a good friend.
But the real issue here is you and your wife and I'm ashamed to say that you remind me very much of me and my ex-husband.
Ironically in my current relationship I'm the mono but when my marriage started falling apart it was me who wanted to be poly (although I didn't know much about it). I sound very much like your wife and you sound very much like my husband. He decided he didn't want poly for the exact reasons you've stated. He had all the responsibility and my "boyfriend" had all the fun. We split up over it.
But looking back, if I knew then what I know now I think I could have made it work. We had a conversation very much like the one you described in your initial post and I couldn't answer any better than your wife. That's why I let/made him go. I felt I was being selfish and unfair to try to hold onto the marriage under those circumstances.
But what I was going through was just NRE fuelled by a desperation to be loved for who I was and to feel exciting romantic love again. I had started raising my husband's kids when I was 19, I had two of my own in my twenties and then my husband's eldest daughter virtually deposited 4 grandchildren on my doorstep because she was so ill. By the time I was in my late forties I was totally burnt out. My husband had his own coping strategies and difficulties but we just couldn't get it together.
I hear all the resentment, hurt, anger and disbelief in your posts that my husband had and it's affecting me but I don't quite know what to tell you. My teenage daughter (two daughters) also hated me for probably a couple of years. She had lived through the worst of her parent's relationship and she blamed me because she saw me as the one who was upsetting the apple cart. We had counseling which helped but I had to "wear the hair shirt" as the counselor called it because as the "child" in the situation she could only deal with her feelings and not be expected to understand mine while she was in such a state.
From my perspective my ex made everything worse between us but in hindsight maybe she needed him to get through. It is very difficult for a mother to stand aside and acknowledge that in order to be true to herself she has to almost relinquish her relationship with her child.
I don't think we'll ever be close. I think she is her father's daughter and my first born is closer to me. We are much better now and I think we are all happy. But it was a couple of years of hell.
All of my kids live with me.
To be honest, the honest and openness of our life in general, combined with our honesty and openness about what changed and why has been AMAZING.
None of them have had an issue, nor did my little sister (17).
Also-all of their friends are ALWAYS hanging out here, and none of them did either.
I really think that kids handle well what adults handle well.
The issue (imho) Dinged in your situation isn't "polyamory" for the kiddos. It's shitty handling of adult behavior (not pointing fingers at you, just the things you describe, like bailing on a family activity-way uncool behavior for an adult)..
Anyway-I have LOTS to say, but gotta go back to the hospital to drop off some stuff for Spicy Pea. ;)
On a side note-Everyone is doing MUCH better today.
Good morning Rp just got done replying to you on another thread:)
passive aggressive NO aggressive aggressive. Nothing passive about it. This has been simmering for 3-4 weeks now. I have approached each of them numerous times to try to ascertain the problem. About a week ago I even suggested they go see a therapist if they couldn't find a way to civil to one another. Neither wanted to do that. We were in public meeting another family for dinner and I didn't want any of their bullshit spilling over into it. And ya I'm really getting sick of this constant back biting.
I'm use to the kids fighting or having disagreements....I pretty much stay out unless blood drawn...or somebody's way over the line. This started out the the same way.
I had no specific plan in mind when I said I'd handle it but I'm sure they both thought I was talking about the therapist. Either way the bullshit stop for an hour or so.
Rp I agree with most of what you are saying however the situation I see could be about 13yr has been repeatedly lied to and addition she may have discovered a "horrible" secret about her mother. The secret if told also would effect her dad and brother. This creates a communcations log jam.
Of course this is speculation on my part but from the time line and bitterness of my daughter....snooping around ....the additional affection towards me from my daughter have pointed down this path.
Thanks for your comments D
Sage ... thank you for the reply
Interesting that you have been on both sides of this... You truly have a unique prospective. Thank you for your honesty.
Not familiar with the expression "wear the hair shirt" sound negative though.
How did your Ex make matters worse? ....so I don't make similar mistakes.
Did you ever entertain the idea of using the time, energy and passion you divert to bf into your relationship with your husband if he would have been receptive to that?
Is Z the man you dated during your marriage?
Yes I agree it's not poly it's the secret or lies that have us jammed up.
Yes, I think so Dingedheart (I just can't write DH cause to my mind that's dear husband-sorry).
It's rough on kids when their parents are lying.
As the one who was lying-I feel safe in saying, it's just fucked up to do that to your kids.
My oldest figured out I was having an affair, she's not Maca's child. It impacted her relationship with him, because whether or not she thought it was wrong of me, I'm mom and she knew if we split-she would go with me. So she didn't want to open up and get close to him, because in her mind, he was already GOING to "abandon" her-cause of what I was doing.
I feel for your daughter. It's so easy to see what's going on around you at that age, kids really aren't as naive as people like to believe. :(
I bolded this one bit because I am not sure I get it...
Sorry for the hijack here folks. Not really on topic are we... hopefully it will all relate in the end.
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