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-   -   She's a woman in love and her heart been broke to pieces but it ain't me. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7375)

Snarky 03-02-2011 12:26 PM

She's a woman in love and her heart been broke to pieces but it ain't me.
 
I've been with my gf for 2 yrs. She was already poly and in a 5 yr relationship w a guy that is also poly.
The first year was the most intense and magical experience of my life. Things began to slow down when the break up of her other relationship occurred.
At that point I was letting her have space to grieve.
Then I was quite shocked to find out that she had started up another relationship instead with a guy that was quite close to the recent ex.
This new relationship filled me with fear from the get go. Not only the changes it brought to our scheduling but how they would justify extra nights after the fact.

Well you get the picture. So the gf and I have been in couples counseling for about 9 mos now. I am learning how to ask for what I want. And that I am worthy of being loved.

Well a few mos ago, she deducted that he was more into polyfuckery than polyfidelity. I guess that during their talks at this point, he decided, not to change. She has felt dumped ever since.

Now my problem is that she is devasted, feels depressed and suicidal.

I feel very alone and invisible.
If it weren't for the magical first year I'd a been out of here.
I wonder if she is only chasing the NRE. She sez she loves me as intensely as before. But, I dunno if it is my ego or reality. I feel unappreciated.
How am I supposed to deal with this?

BlackUnicorn 03-02-2011 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snarky (Post 69022)
Now my problem is that she is devasted, feels depressed and suicidal.

I feel very alone and invisible.
If it weren't for the magical first year I'd a been out of here.
I wonder if she is only chasing the NRE. She sez she loves me as intensely as before. But, I dunno if it is my ego or reality. I feel unappreciated.
How am I supposed to deal with this?

Hi and welcome!

Sticking with a primary(?) partner who is going through major depression is hard. Get some help for yourself, a peer support group, separate councelling etc. My relationship with my primary has gone through a major paradigm shift after she got ill, and I guess we are still reeling with the aftershock.

Snarky 03-02-2011 07:19 PM

Thank you for the warm welcome;). Yes we are in a primary relationship. Today I am just not handling the situation very well. I wanna be there for her. But, I have these thoughts of how can she think about taking her life just because of this jackass. Doesn't she even stop to think of me?

I am not vested into monogamy only conditioned. But, in my experience with poly I am not too thrilled.

Yeah we see our couples counselor on Monday and then Tuesday i see my individual therapist. Such a long time between then and now.

BlackUnicorn 03-02-2011 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Snarky (Post 69071)
But, I have these thoughts of how can she think about taking her life just because of this jackass. Doesn't she even stop to think of me?

My primary feels her nearest and dearest would benefit greatly if she were to depart from this world of woe, and was truly astonished when I didn't want to help her with her suicide plan, or didn't support it whole-heartedly in general.

Hearing a friend of her mother's, who didn't know anything about her condition, talk about the suicide of a person they barely knew with tears in their eyes, made her realize that suicide is something that truly destroys lives. When her psychiatrist asked her before how long she approximated her family and friends would grieve for her, she replied in all sincerity that probably a few weeks, but they'd get over it.

redpepper 03-03-2011 07:33 AM

It seems to me that the only course of action is to be there for her, pat her head, make her food or whatever makes her feel loved (see "love languages" book) and just wait it out... as you would with any hard thing in her life. The same would be appropriate if she had lost a job, a relative had died, that sort of thing. That is what being a partner is about no? You don't always get in return what you put out... at least not in the moment. Sometimes down the road you do... sometimes in other ways. It's like Karma, you give, and receive back.

When I was pregnant with my boy, PN lost his job. I had to take a second one. PN was a mess! Worried sick about money, the new baby, about how to find another job. I worked my ass off at work, was in my last trimester, had to walk to the second job a couple of miles away and had to be comforting to PN... it sucked. I had my moments of anger, but it came back in other ways. That is what investing in someone is about. That is what commitment is about. Sadly I think that is getting lost in todays relationships a lot of the time.

I would suggest being a wonderful boyfriend to her as much as you can... when it is too much because she is going on and on about it to you, kindly and with as much care as you can muster, tell her that maybe she should have a girls night and go and talk to her friends... or whatever it is she does... after all (you can tell her lovingly) she should get the advice of others on this... ;)

Snarky 03-03-2011 09:22 PM

Yes thank you so much for reminding me what is really important. Sometimes my ego gets control of me and sends me spinning into very unhealthy neighborhoods.


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