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-   -   Need a Z not a V (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7325)

PickMoreDaisies 03-01-2011 05:51 PM

Need a Z not a V
I've been pretty patient, supportive, encouraging and even help write his pof/okcupid profiles. He has girls interested in him but he seems unwilling to take further steps to actually meet up with people. I have an on/off relationship with a mono guy. When we are 'on' again my husband completely stops looking for anyone, won't date or talk about dating. He claims that it is too stressful to deal with me seeing someone and he can't focus on looking for someone for himself. I empathized with this position and have stopped dating for over a year now in the hopes of giving him a chance to find something that works for him. He hasn't, or won't? I took the time to focus on myself...thinking that I would need those skills should he enter into something with someone else, after all who is above feeling lonely or the dreaded jealous....

Here I am again...with the long time on/off bf suggesting something more....that's another thread under poly dating a mono.....

I'm a pretty patient person. I think of relationships as marathons not sprints and I expect that I will be with my husband for many years so I'm not concerned with rushing anything. However, I'm starting to feel like he just isn't dating anyone so that I won't. Some one-penis policy gone bad. I think he always thought that he would be the one with other relationships, not that he has a problem in theory with me dating as well, I say "in theory". Or that he's stuck on some unicorn fantasy. Even though he's not bi, he became very distraught when my relationship with my bf started having elements that didn't include him. Also, it bothers him when I look for men to date, as if because I am bi I should only look for women????

He claims that he wants poly, maybe we have different versions of what we want. I'm fine with a V, I'd be better with a Z....he only seems to want a polyfitriad =(

At this point he has just started shutting down on me...as if not talking about it proves that he is ok with things. This just hurts because we have always been talkers. I just wish that he would take some steps to finding what he wants. How can I push him out of the nest so to speak?

Carnita 03-01-2011 07:15 PM

Are you quite sure that he isn't just mono? It's a perfectly dignified way to be...really, guys...

I know that my hubs and I will have this same problem later on, though. I get it. It's easier said than done to just honor the other person's orientation on the mono/poly spectrum and let each other be ourselves. For instance, despite the wisdom of intending to do that, I know my hubs feels like he should try to push himself to see other people if I am going to do that, and I know that his desire to do so is a little less than genuine. So I hear your side, but it seems like he may be less than willing to be poly himself. (Like I'm thinking my husband might eventually realize about himself.)

So why do you think it needs to be a Z to work? Do you think it would help distract him from his feelings about you dating other people?

PickMoreDaisies 03-01-2011 07:32 PM

Probably yes, I would like him to have his own "distraction" prior to me dating again. He gets to feeling like he will never find someone or that we began this poly part of our relationship and I'm the only one actually being poly. I love him but isn't that just like a great big pity party?? He gets ridiculously happy when other women are interested in him....he just can't focus on them if i'm also dating.....???

Maybe I am looking for some evidence that he actually wants to pursue this relationship choice. I would be fine if he said he didn't want to date anyone...it's the apparent facade I have a problem with. And the use of his not having a relationship to deter me from dating. If he said he didn't want me to date anyone I would actually be fine with it...we did 7 years without it. He seems very happy about the idea that he is finally free to be who he 'is'...poly....just not actively seeking another relationship. And I would even be fine if he said that he wasn't interested right now in looking for another woman but to say that he can't focus on it while I am dating anyone puts me in a difficult position.

So really I guess I just want him to make some choices and no matter what I say he remains vague...

SNeacail 03-01-2011 07:49 PM

Stop pushing. If he really WANTS to date, he will. There is a difference between being ok with this type of relationship and actually wanting to put the effort into dating other people. Halting your own relationships, just so he can feel comfortable dating is not healthy either.

If he says he's ok with you having a b/f then believe him. If you see a problem between the two of you, then work on fixing the actual problem, such as communication.


He gets ridiculously happy when other women are interested in him....he just can't focus on them if i'm also dating.....???
Maybe for right now it's enough for him to just be comfortable receiving the attention without having to focus on more complicated dynamics. I know guys that really enjoy sitting in a group of women just flirting, even if they have no intention on dating any of the women. I also know a LOT of women that would have a hissy fit if they "caught" their men doing that.

redpepper 03-02-2011 06:41 AM

Sorry, I'm confused. Why does he have to do what you do? Why does he have to be pushed out of the nest? He is his own man and can do things his own way I think.

PN and I are completely different in how we date and find others... I don't even know what he does. It isn't my business and if someone comes along that is interesting and he is excited about, I know he will tell me. That is all that needs to happen. Meanwhile I do my thing, he does his. I give him advice and guidance from my own experience but he doesn't have to take it or even ask me for it... often he doesn't.

He hasn't dated since last summer and shows no signs of getting on it. He is just not into it for now... with your man, why not leave him alone to do his own flying and get on with what you want to do. I don't see how his lack of dating has anything to do with you... ?:confused:

Catfish 03-02-2011 11:41 AM

My wife began her relationship with Charlie in earnest about five months ago. In that time I have had a few opportunities to date but I've chosen not to. The reason is pretty simple for me. I have two criteria for engaging with someone outside my marriage. 1. I will not do it as a reaction to my wife's relationship. 2. I will not do it at the expense of the person I'm interested in. That is to say that I while processing the crush of emotions I'm feeling, I find it better not to involve more potential instability. Also, I can't really see myself being very attractive to anyone while mired in jealousy. Not very sexy. As luck would have it though, I feel like the haze of uncertainty is lifting. RC and I have worked very diligently on ourselves, our relationship(s) and making each other feel as loved and supported as possible.

Allow him time and support. Maybe introduce him to all the lovely folks on this forum. Be yourself and let him do the same. I would also avoid throwing around labels like mono and poly just yet. Let things happen naturally.

Al the best to you both.

River 03-02-2011 06:12 PM

Catfish, Thanks! Your post helped me further unfold my inquiry into the relationship of what I have been calling "tenderness" and "strength". (See the Book - Radical Acceptance - thread in the Spirituality and Polyamory section for more on that.) It takes strength not to react when feeling hurt. It takes both tenderness and strength not to embroil others in our acting out of our feelings of lack or insufficiency, jealousy..., etc. Your commitments to yourself and to others not only exhibit tenderness and strength but they also enlarge your embodiment of and grounding in these. Nice!

PickMoreDaisies 03-03-2011 01:17 AM

Thanks for the comments =) It's not that I want to tell him what to do, I guess I had hoped to give him some space without having to deal with jealousy or other emotional issues that come up with my dating. I guess hoping that he would feel more free to pursue what he wanted. I feel guilty I think that my dating or relationships stress him out so much that he can't consider dating.

I think that I will carry on with things and hope that he starts communicating with me again.

I posted when I was really frustrated btw...I feel like we are dealing with the same things over and over sometimes...for years now actually. Normally I am great with wanting to talk about things, work through feelings...but these days there doesn't seem to be as much of that. Maybe he's getting better at managing his emotions and doesn't need to talk and I'm still feeling guilty....hmmm...I'll have to ponder that.

I appreciate the fact that maybe things need to calm down before he wants to introduce more stress and confusion....I'll think on that. Seems like being in a poly situation doesn't lend itself to a lot of calmness very often though.

redpepper 03-03-2011 06:42 AM

Guilt is a tough one for me too. Here is a thread I started on it... http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=604

I don't feel guilty about leaving PN behind so much because he has worked hard at figuring out some really great things that he can do that he likes to do alone, or that I don't enjoy. He has created a relationship with himself that is strong because Mono has come into our lives. He has the best "be your own primary" relationship of anyone I know in fact! I see that opportunity as a gift from me actually. I have freed him of some of the burden (said with tongue in cheek) of having to hang out with me... he is free to hang out with himself! :D:p

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