Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Well, isn't this confusing? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7318)

HardcastleMcCormick 03-01-2011 01:11 PM

Well, isn't this confusing?
 
Hi! I've found myself in a very foreign situation (though it seems to be one that is not so uncommon) that has me extremely confused. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost three years now, and we both want to get married/stay together in some similar arrangement. I was eighteen when we met, and had only had 3 other sexual partners (2 of them were boyfriends). I was very inexperienced sexually and emotionally, and at first all I could see was him. In a way that hasn't changed. He is absolutely my best friend in the whole world, and also the only man I want to have sex with. After I started dating him, I realized that I am bisexual. At first that was okay with me, but now I feel like I am missing something by not being able to experience this part of myself. This part makes sense to me since I sort of missed out on that before our relationship. However, I have also noticed that (more recently than my bisexual revelation) I am way more attracted to men as well. I look around constantly (at girls and boys) when I didn't even think about it before. Although in some ways I am feeling like my hormones are out of control, I don't actually want to have sex with anyone outside of my relationship. As lame as this sounds when I write it out, I really only want to be able to kiss, flirt, hold hands, or other kinds of secondary sexual affection. Is this something that is common? I haven't really come across anyone else saying anything like that yet so any information would be appreciated!

Carnita 03-01-2011 05:49 PM

I am new here too, and I believe this is the first time I've commented on anything, so forgive me my ignorance, all you forum veterans. =)

I wonder if you would still "only want to be able to kiss, flirt, hold hands, or other kinds of secondary sexual affection" if you fell hard for someone other than your current partner. Have you thought that far ahead into the realm of possibility? You mentioned that you are relatively inexperienced....

It all seems potentially very sweet to me. You might have no trouble negotiating with your partner and your potential "buddies" a lifestyle that includes affection and make-out time with other friends of yours--or do you think you actually might be able to see others as lovers?

If I were you, I'd try to take it slow enough to be able to treat your inexperienced self and your partner gently through what might and might not end up becoming a transition into a poly lifestyle. Go ahead and expect to feel things that you can't possibly predict right now, and then expect to need to practice communicating openly and compassionately with BF about those feelings. (I highly recommend exploring NVC: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/NVC-Concepts)

Best of luck!

BlackUnicorn 03-02-2011 02:52 PM

Maybe you are polyromantic? The problem with labels is that they give a false impression of static fixed identities, in a one size fits all fashion, while in reality 'there are as many ways to do poly as there are poly people'.

Welcome, whatever you might be!

ArgentLuna 03-02-2011 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HardcastleMcCormick (Post 68829)
Hi! I've found myself in a very foreign situation (though it seems to be one that is not so uncommon) that has me extremely confused.

Welcome to the forum! I hope we can help un-confuse you somewhat.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HardcastleMcCormick (Post 68829)
However, I have also noticed that (more recently than my bisexual revelation) I am way more attracted to men as well. I look around constantly (at girls and boys) when I didn't even think about it before.

That's how it progressed (minus the relationship situation) for me, too. I've noticed that in general, bisexuals aren't "equally" attracted to both genders. They tend to lean toward one gender. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just a matter of preference, similar to loving two kinds of food, but preferring to eat one type over the other. You still love both, for different reasons.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HardcastleMcCormick (Post 68829)
Although in some ways I am feeling like my hormones are out of control, I don't actually want to have sex with anyone outside of my relationship. As lame as this sounds when I write it out, I really only want to be able to kiss, flirt, hold hands, or other kinds of secondary sexual affection. Is this something that is common? I haven't really come across anyone else saying anything like that yet so any information would be appreciated!

I have a couple theories about that. Like BlackUnicorn mentioned, you might be polyromantic. I'm sure you can find a lot of information if you searched for the tag polyromantic on the forum.

Or you might be progressing through the stages of, er... "sexual awareness" all over again. When you first started being interested in guys, you didn't want sex with them right off, correct? You wanted to explore first - kiss, cuddle, and then eventually you started being interested in more intimate encounters. Sound familiar?

Or I may be completely off the track. In any case, I would suggest keeping an open communication channel with your boyfriend (very important), and do research on your situation... I'll let the other more experienced forum members throw research links at you... I don't know of any right now that would help, sorry.

Best of luck, and welcome. :)


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:44 AM.