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-   -   Sex and accidental monogamy. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7313)

Bricklie 03-01-2011 08:00 AM

Sex and accidental monogamy.
 
She's mono, his Main Lady for years, and I'm starting to think maybe Fella projects a pheromone that turns women into devoted monos--like some cult-leader superpower.

Let me first admit that I was once a proud and reckless slut. Love sex, love love, always been that way. But now that I've finally slept with the man I've longed for for a long minute now, after I took almost a year mulling over my involvement in this V, learning about polyamory, dating another man, crying over whiskey bottles, finding myself at home philosophically with it, after all things were clean and labeled,
put on the shelf
in their place
in my mind
My damn heart won't let my body follow suit. I just don't want it. Me. What the hell?

I flirt, I dance, I even date still. I carouse with the enthusiasm of youth and the endurance of the practiced party girl. Clinique in the bag to the club, just in case--you know my type, 23 and a happy slave to self indulgence.

Sunday I spent the night on the road and the day in the bed of a new man, a different man, a rough neck from the oil patch and a total burly gent. But no sex. I can't do it, I can't let another man touch me, not really. Why? Because my body straight up sings when my Fella brushes his fingers on it, sings like stars do, vibrating in the universal pentatonic. Weve been together for millennia. Finally had sex about a month ago and I feel like I'll never recover. I've met my match.

All my secondaries (Like Beyonce's "Single Ladies, you know?) I need y'all to let me know if falling into monogamy with a poly man has plagued you, if it was bothersome or no problem at all. While it works for many amazing folks, I personally don't feel comfortable with the mono-poly dynamic--but what if I don't have a choice? Looked around and can't find a comparable thread. If you know of one, I would be very grateful if you'd link me up cause Im very confused.

BlackUnicorn 03-01-2011 02:22 PM

Hehehee. 'One month does not a monogamist make.' A North-Tibetan saying (If it isn't, it should be!).

Seems like you have been hit in the face with some real good NRE! You go girl! It might be your Fella has some weird monogamy mojo going on for him, but it could be as well that there is enthusiasm, some real good compatibililty and a millennia's worth of pent up lust you two have going on.

So you met him and the reptilian part of your brain went; 'Ooh, there's a caveman who sure smells nice! I bet our kids would have a real kick-ass immune system!'. Some cynical evolutionary biologists are hellbent on proving that NRE lasts usually from 6 months to two years because that is the time a healthy couple normally takes to conceive a child together. Don't worry, I bet once the reptile in you is happy with the baby-making effort you've put on this guy, you will be back to your usual slutty self!

MonoVCPHG 03-01-2011 03:20 PM

I think the only cocncern about this is if you forget what it is to be poly and try to restrict your boyfriend.
The NRE might stop if/when he finds another woman to start a relationship with. That might take a little bit of the magic away...or not :)

redpepper 03-02-2011 06:32 AM

I've known a few poly folk that give up a poly lifestyle to be mono for another because they were in NRE or it just seemed like a good idea when the NRE was over... why not if it works I say... thing is that those that I have heard about eventually want another lover at some point and then are faced with the fact they have said they "never" would again, or "I love you so much I will be mono" stuff like that.... I guess if you just keep in mind that you might some day want to consider poly again, and don't say these things, then fill your boots! :)

nycindie 03-02-2011 08:04 PM

Don't worry about labels, Bricklie. They are just there as guidelines or as a way to find others of like minds, not to hamper you or hem you in. Trust your inner teacher (intuition). If it feels good and right, do it, or don't do it. You will only feel conflicted if you think you should or shouldn't be doing what you're doing. Don't should on yourself and you'll be okay. There are no titles you need to live up to. Just honor your own needs and desires, revel in the joyful pleasures, and try not to succumb to worry. You're doing fine!

Vivien 03-02-2011 09:00 PM

I can identify. NRE is gorgeous, but it sure can be confusing and unsettling.

I think you've already gotten good feedback, and I agree with what BlackUnicorn wrote: when the NRE starts to wear off, you'll probably find yourself feeling more open to other relationships. And if you don't... well, as long as you're not interested in having other lovers, then you're not missing out by being monogamous.

Bricklie 03-07-2011 03:11 AM

Thank you for the awesome feedback, everyone. I'm indeed trying to stay calm and worry less about things.

Amazing to me how much can be chalked up to NRE. Mundane world doesn't really teach one to think in those terms, very new concept to me to think "this too shall pass." Cause, of course, it feels like it never will. It's a torturous passion, can't wait till my lizard brain calms down. I should feed it a cricket maybe.

The thing that bothers me is the inequality in poly-mono. Some folks manage it beautifully, I just don't feel comfy with it. At all. But it seems to be what the heart wants: inconvenient as usual.

Anyway, thanks again y'all.

BlackUnicorn 03-07-2011 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bricklie (Post 69818)
The thing that bothers me is the inequality in poly-mono. Some folks manage it beautifully, I just don't feel comfy with it. At all. But it seems to be what the heart wants: inconvenient as usual.

I am the same way, if I can choose I will go for the symmetrical equality, but there are folks who function better with complementary equality, i.e. doing different things/having different roles in the relationship but the outcome fulfills the needs of both (all) participants.

Vivien 03-07-2011 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bricklie (Post 69818)
Amazing to me how much can be chalked up to NRE. Mundane world doesn't really teach one to think in those terms, very new concept to me to think "this too shall pass." Cause, of course, it feels like it never will. It's a torturous passion, can't wait till my lizard brain calms down. I should feed it a cricket maybe.


Yes! It can be very uncomfortable. I've often had to talk myself down by remembering that, yes, I feel like a cotton-brained dummy, but that's because I'm high on dopamine.

MindfulAgony 03-07-2011 09:33 PM

Intellectually, I'm more comfortable with balance - symmetry. In reality, I know that this is rarely possible at any given moment. So, I fall back to the useful position of asking "is everyone getting their needs met and are comfortable with the situation?"

If the answer is yes, why conform to some ideal notion of equality for equalities sake? If you maintain the option of being poly, yet choose not to because of how you feel about being completely filled up, then I don't see the need to worry about the optics of it all. Just let go and enjoy.

If you don't think you can get your needs met that way, then that's another story altogether.


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