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-   -   Broken agreement (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=730)

redsirenn 09-04-2009 04:46 PM

Broken agreement
Ouroboros broke an agreement. He kissed the other woman... HE told me that he was not going to pursue anything with anyone. This happened when they went camping last time she visited. I had decided to trust him. It took him 2 and a half weeks to tell me even though there has been ample opportunities. I do not know what to do. In effect, he lied by omission, and broke an agreement. The whole point of this was to build trust in each other and this has been shattered. I am in pain. :(
I have been the best girlfriend... I was kind to her and him, trusting, generous with my love, patient, understanding, I listened to him and his stories with compassion, I loved having sex with him and pleasing him... I allowed myself to open up. In return I feel I was not respected and although I care for him, I do not want to be walked all over. What REALLY sucks is that just last weekend I was so happy about how things were going. Apparently it was an illusion.

I know forgiveness is a part of love.... but it does not mean that if I forgive, i will forget... or that I have to put up with this or stay in the relationship.

I am trying to be compassionate while at the same time sticking up for myself.

What would you do here??

MonoVCPHG 09-04-2009 04:52 PM

You really have to be careful in asking this question. People will vary from gray to stark black and white. This is something that you should work out IMO.

XYZ123 09-04-2009 05:51 PM

Ouch. I don't even have the words. I'd be hurt, angry, sad. Beyond that, I don't know. I guess I would have to decide if the trust could be rebuilt. And, if it could, keep the relationship mono until it was. I'm so sorry you're hurting. But Mono is probably right. This is something you'll have to work out for yourself in the end.

River 09-04-2009 07:30 PM

Breaking agreements and trust is always hurtful. But, to me, the deeper question is ... Is there love between you? It is loving that you want between you, I presume (?).

The fact that he came clean and told you what happened should be encouraging. He could have never said a word.

I'd also recommend looking at what this kiss means to you, and why. Why does it hurt you so much that he kissed this other woman? --aside from the agreement-breaking, that is.

I'd say... open to this hurt, welcome it, let it have its own fullness of expression... and while you do this, explore any past hurts that come up in the process. Open to these, as well. Whatever you do, don't turn away from the emotional pain until you come out the other end of your process--whatever that may be. I think you'll be surprised at the freedom and love that will emerge if you become intimate with yourself in this way.

redsirenn 09-04-2009 07:45 PM

It is the agreement breaking that hurt. I get jealous sometimes, I have some fear of loss, but the overriding thing here is TRUST. I have been soooooo clear to him about trust, honesty, etc. As stated in a previous thread I was ready to leave the relationship because he said he could not fulfill my needs (he wanted to stay fb, I did not).

He came back and apologized profusely, sang me a song on his guitar, brought me flowers, spent time with me, etc. And we made this agreement to be mono so that we could build trust in each other..... so what hurts is that he came back only to break the trust we were trying to build.

It sucks. Like I said, not sure what to do here.

I talked to him. I told him he hurt me. I asked him questions... My stomach still hurts from this, but I have chosen to forgive. This based on the fact that he broke his own boundaries as well and felt remorse for it. Also, because we both discovered we weren't telling each other some things that needed to be said. I have not regretted anything in this thus far, so hopefully I am making the right decision for myself here. I have to say, however.... I will have to see his actions, once again... I told him that things may very well take a long time. If this happens again, in the near future, I am out.

That is where I stand... thanks everyone for your input. I am discovering the importance of communication, and that although I always thought I was very good at it, I can get better.

Fidelia 09-09-2009 08:45 PM

I just found this thread, redsirenn. Don't know how I missed it before.

As you may already know, I'm working through some serious trust issues myself. I don't want to become paranoid and distrustful, but I am going to do whatever it takes to protect my heart and keep it safe.

My advice is to pay close attention to what Ouroboros does in relation with what he says. This is the key. When a person's actions do not agree with his/her words, you can trust the actions over the words. People can SAY anything, but actions reveal the heart.

Good luck to you, SisterWoman. And let me add this, your heart is a great treasure chest, full to overflowing with love, patience and understanding. It is only wisdom and discretion to make sure such a treasure is well-guarded and safe. Those who would violate it do not deserve it.

redsirenn 09-10-2009 08:06 AM

yes, I know that. (actions speak louder than words).

I do watch for it. That is why this is bothering me so. He said one thing, and did another! Why should I expect otherwise from now on????

I am on a trip right now and will be away for a week. I don't plan on talking to him. I need some time.

I am still hurting... I can forgive, but I do not want to place myself in a bad situation, especially knowing this. He says it was a "mistake" how cliche!!!

I ask him for actions... he says it is an action to talk to me about this stuff... that it is hard for him... well, yes - talking about stuff can be hard, and willling to talk is an action, but it is still words in the end.

I don't even know what it is I need to see from him, but I will know when I see it.

This sucks majorly. I want to run away, but I don't think it is the right thing to do right now. I need to sort some stuff out, b/c yes it is possible he is telling the truth...

How long should I give him?

River 09-10-2009 07:37 PM

It is possible that you're blowing this kiss way out of proportion. I'm not saying that you ARE blowing it out of proportion, but that it is POSSIBLE that you're doing so.

The fact that he was honest with you, and told you about this kiss, is worth a few points. If he was a total sleeze ball, you'd never have known about this kiss--and it may have been ... beyond a kiss, let's say.

It feels to me that you're SO worried about having your heart broken that you have it wrapped in armor and fortified by an army of invisible soldiers ready to keep at bay anyone with the slightest hint or whif of ... threat of disillusionment.

Maybe this guy deserves as much armor as you have; and maybe he deserves a good deal less. I don't know. I don't know the guy. But I would recommend that you look at the bruised place on your heart that causes you to worry so much that your heart might be further damaged. Get real familiar with the roots of that, so that you can heal and move forward.

Fidelia 09-10-2009 07:41 PM


Originally Posted by redsirenn (Post 6623)
I don't even know what it is I need to see from him, but I will know when I see it.

I needed to see that what Hubby and Star DID was in agreement with what they SAID (specifically about loving me and never wanting to hurt me again). Because their actions backed up their words, our relationships are on the mend now. If they had continued to say one thing and do another, I would have been out the door.

I'm not you, so of course I can't pretend to know what you need, but that's what I needed.


Originally Posted by redsirenn (Post 6623)
How long should I give him?

Until you know, one way or the other.

redsirenn 09-21-2009 06:50 PM

Hi Everyone.
I have not replied in a while, because I took some time to think for myself.

I think JRM hits it right on the head, actually. I try soooo hard to protect myself, that I actually feel I limit the ability for something real to ever happen. This is for sure a pattern I have help my whole life. When Ouroboros broke the agreement I was very hurt... It still bothers me, actually.

It is like I was waiting for something to go wrong so that my insecurities would be justified.

My question is this: How on earth, do I let go? I can have brief moments of this, but inevitably fall back into the same routine. This incident has made me very wary of trying to live polyamorously, despite all the rational that I have supporting the lifestyle. It all comes down to that ONE thing... Setting myself up for disaster and ending up hurt...

Any thoughts, words of wisdom, examples that might help someone who REALLY wants to let go?

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