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-   -   Complicated.. (when isn't it?) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7289)

LittleRed 03-01-2011 12:16 AM

Complicated.. (when isn't it?)
Hey everybody. Just looking for an ear and some advice. I'll try to keep this as concise as possible.

Edited to take this down, guess I can't delete the post. thanks for the advice, all.

SNeacail 03-01-2011 12:33 AM

Wow! Huge major changes all at once. Not only a move, change of jobs, but moving in together with secondary and his girlfriend. Breath! :eek:

Have you guys talked about your living arrangements? Division of houshold chores, space, finances, etc? What happens if things blow up and someone decides to leave?

You mentioned that they pretty well suck at communication. It's not your job to micro manage their relationships, but you might want to make sure everyone is having "family meetings" regularly (weekly) to discuss stuff that effects the entire household. Everyone is going to have to learn to communicate with an entire new group of personalities, it wouldn't be a bad idea to discuss how each of you communicate from the start.

ckn46 03-01-2011 12:33 AM

Everyone reacts to NRE differently and the times for the NRE to subside and the initial WOW feeling to wear off varies with individuals.

If you are having nervous feelings about this, maybe you could try a big group meeting with those that you will be moving in with. Call it practice for when you are all sharing living quarters. But have that meeting not only to connect with one another but also to air those feelings you have with moving in with them.

How they handle and relate to your feelings of anxiety will tell you what you can expect when you are living with them and other conflicts arrise. ...and trust me, they will arrise.

For me, experience tells me to wait a year out of principal for NRE to abate and then start the planning of the more life changing things. Everyone says "6 months for NRE" however I think that after a year the chemical blinders of NRE have faded and this allows us to see the potential interpersonal conflicts with more objectivity and sensitivity to all involved.

but this is just my humble opinion, with that and what is in my pocket I might be able to buy a beer at a local pub ;)

otherwise, have fun, it sounds like you are on to a really good thing!

LittleRed 03-01-2011 02:26 AM

Snea- We have discussed division of space and finances. we are still looking for a house at the moment so haven't set any rules in place about chores (doesn't make sense to until we know what we're working with) but we have agreed that we need a chore schedule.

Family meetings might be a good idea, but there are barriers to that....

ckn- I, too, think NRE lasts longer than 6 months and I'm hoping that's the case- unfortunately he will be leaving for college in a few months so no telling how it will all turn out.

As for a meeting, which both of you recommend: I wish I felt comfortable doing that. Thing is, I'm used to communicating a lot with my primary. So when things have come up with these two, I have been honest. I have communicated with them privately and/or together (depending on if it's appropriate) and tactfully about any insecurities or misgivings I might have (Like, for example, telling second boyfriend that i didn't mind if he slept with other women, just not to seduce them in front of me or expect me to join in while I was spending the only two days with him that I get.) Problem is, I'm not getting any reciprocity. Oh, they'll respond to my insecurities, and tell me about each other, but nothing in terms of things I could be doing better or insecurities about me. I know they must be feeling something, I'm not perfect either, but if no one tells me what's going on then it's going to build til they blow up at me. And because they don't communicate with each other about certain aspects of their relationship (that I happen to know about because they've told me!) I don't know how to have a family meeting with open communication without it being a complete farce. hell, I suppose there's no better way to know til I try. I can just imagine the scenario, though. I tell everyone I'm feeling anxious (well, the Primary already knows about it) they ask why? and then what do I say without sounding accusatory and micro-managing? IDK. It's a good suggestion, I'm just not sure how to do it exactly. Thank you both so much for responding.

redpepper 03-01-2011 06:20 AM

K, big red flags for me here... good communication is number one on the poly list of what to have in a poly relationship for me,,, and most poly people. The thing is that people have different ideas of what that means and "think" they communicate well when they just don't.

I had a boyfriend once that said he communicated well. Even scolded others for not communicating well, and then when it came down to some hard stuff to talk about... he sucked! He just got angry and told me I was overly emotional and that I should suck it up. I left him... and my husband left his wife for the same reasons... they were not a good match for us and my gut told me WAY before that... I went through a lot of hardship when I should of listened to my gut.

Might I suggest that your gut is telling you something? This is too early and too fast to me... We took almost two years before moving my boyfriend in and he lives in the suite below! We waited until well after the NRE ended... which I agree takes a good year. And then talked about it. I think this is looking like disaster waiting to happen and maybe you should stay in the cramped apartment with your primary and be happy to visit. Is housing really that important? Can you wait until daily life takes over and the novelty wears off? I would suspect you will find that it is a better choice to live next door or down the street... sweet escape when the going gets rough... there seems to be some manipulation going on and I would hate to think that you have no where to go when the stress of that becomes too much and is all lumped in with who didn't do the dishes or take the garbage out.

There are some threads on this topic that might help. They are all listed under the tag "living together" you could do a tag search and find out what others have said and experienced. My blog also has some insight,,, start in the months of last summer into the fall when Mono moved in.

ckn46 03-01-2011 09:00 AM

I think Redpepper said it all so very well that I cannot improve or add much more than a "seconded" to her response.

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