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-   -   No longer feeling good (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7261)

Mahogany 02-28-2011 05:52 AM

No longer feeling good

It has been about 6 weeks now since my marriage has opened. My husband has added a woman to our relationship. This came to be because my husband came clean about cheating on me with her (for 5 months before I found out). Before this we shared 4 monogamous years together.

I hate sharing my husband, but I cannot leave him. We have 11 month old twin boys too....and it would be horrible to not consider their loss if I walk away.

In the beginning of this addition of her, things were better (not good though), but this has growth into something more negative than positive for me. I feel like a caged bird....if I could have my wish, it would be to restore the monogamy we lost since the start of 2011.

My husband constantly asks me what I need to be happy. I have told him and he has not made my wish so. This tells me that he is not capable (or not willing) to be monogamous again. But I do know he loves me deeply, and reminds of this everyday.

I don't want to do this (share my husband) anymore :(
But I don't want to lose my husband either :(

What options do I have, if any?

My hate for her grows more and more each day :( I feel like I am long-suffering....I have nothing against polyamory, but I am so sad and hurting. I am having trouble eating and sleeping....and I am barely functioning at work.

I have told him that I don't want to come between them, that he can leave to be with her...I wouldn't keep his sons from him (or be resentful, etc) But he wants to be with me, but wants her too.

Just typing this makes me want to cry....I feel like a caged bird :(

How did I get here? I just don't want to do this anymore :(

Also, my husband does not feel comfortable with me exploring my end of the openness. He does not want me intimate with another man. He is not abusive or forceful about it, but he has simply communicated that he is not comfortable with it. Should I pursue another man anyway?

What can I do?

I need help :(

Derbylicious 02-28-2011 06:04 AM

It sounds to me like you need to talk to him some more about his insecurities about you being able to open up your end as well. It hardly seems fair that he is allowed to have another partner while not being open to the idea of you finding someone else to meet your needs too.

You might also want to talk to him about what you need from him specifically. Let him know what you need to feel loved and secure in your relationship. If monogamy isn't possible from his perspective what compromise can you reach where you are both having your needs met?

You're only a few weeks into a new dynamic. It can take months or years to figure this all out. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself feel whatever it is that you're feeling. Talk and talk and cry and then talk some more.

SNeacail 02-28-2011 06:12 AM


Originally Posted by Mahogany (Post 68629)
Also, my husband does not feel comfortable with me exploring my end of the openness. He does not want me intimate with another man. He is not abusive or forceful about it, but he has simply communicated that he is not comfortable with it.

IMO, if he is not willing to share you he had NO business asking you to share him.


Should I pursue another man anyway?
Not in your current state of mind.

What boundries have you guys set in place? How much time is he spending "dating" you? How much time is he spending at home taking care of household chores and caring for the twins?

redpepper 02-28-2011 06:53 AM

I'm sorry you are so sad and hurt... please know that your story is not at all unique to us here on this forum. I would suggest doing a lot of reading here and getting your husband on board with doing the same. Do a tag search, read in the blog's, go to the stickies and see what interests you and is relevant. There is a lot to learn. If you do a tag search I suggest you search for "mono poly" "boundaries" "foundations" "lessons" "negotiation" "OPP" "one penis policy" or go to the tag cloud and start there.

This was really shitty timing on his part. I would wonder how much of this is not getting his needs met and how much is that he really is poly. When babies come daddies are kind of lost for a time... they are not as needed... at least that is what is seems like to them until they figure out there role..

I would suggest starting with negotiating date time where you can spend time together child free and NOT talking about kids stuff. This is important for any parents, but you have to deal with his deceit and lies and his relationship with a new woman. That is definitely grounds to step it up a notch and get some work done on your relationship.

One penis policies (OPP) are not okay if you aren't getting your needs met. If you agree to that, then find, fill your boots, but you are not. Therefore he might have to look at his hypocriticism. Just not okay... he can go out and get more love in his life will you sit at home and raise his kids? NAH! don't think so. You get to go out and do stuff too. In my opinion you have every right to do that. Maybe not find a boyfriend, but anything you want. If that means a new boyfriend then you should not have to even ask if that is okay.

Is it a good idea to go and find a boyfriend now? No,,, you have a shit load of work to do and a new man will not make that get better, just pile more on.

How much have you and he talked about time management and how much have you asked for your own boundaries to be met. It sounds like you are not negotiating so much as saying "I don't want poly and that's that." Well there is a whole range of negotiating that can happen between that and "yay, poly..." where do you sit on the continuum and what specifics could you live with, what not...? maybe write them down and then exchange lists... you might find there is some stuff you could live with.

BlackUnicorn 02-28-2011 10:35 AM

Dear Mahogany, your post made me really angry, which of course isn't fair, since I don't know either of you, and there's always two sides to each story. However, this is what immediately came to my mind.

1) Your post is titled 'No longer feeling good'. However, was there any point this year you were feeling good? It reads as no.

2) It seems your husband made an unilateral decision to go poly, taking advantage of the fact that you have young children and you are obviously devoted to both him and them. 'My husband has added a woman to our relationship'. To me, this is not poly, this is open cheating.

3) Some women are fine with polygyny, i.e. their husband having multiple wives who are in a monogamous relationship with him. However, you obviously are not happy with this situation.

4) What did he do to deal with his cheating, dishonesty? How did you find about the other woman? Without any other background info, it looks like he doesn't really want to own up to his betrayal, and poly is a defensive move he needed to keep both you and his new, exciting relationship.

5) Hating this other woman sounds like you are re-directing the negative emotions you have toward your hubby to a less threatening target. She is not the problem, your husband's behavior is.

What can you do? LovingRadiance, a Senior Member on this forum, has an off-site blog, and one of her most recent posts is titled 'Unconditionally Loving Yourself Must Come First'. Take her advice. You don't deserve to be treated like shite. Honestly.

MonoVCPHG 02-28-2011 04:35 PM

Not to sound defeatist but the pain in your post is overwhelming. I would really start thinking about protecting yourself financially and looking at the support around you for you and your children. I can't empathise with a man, especially a new father, who is willing to put his wife through this type of constant pain..sorry..but in my opinion he is being selfish.

Poly can be wonderful..but it can also be a convenient excuse to mask flat out shitty and immature behavior. Lots of guys feel the strain of having a wife/girlfriend who is pregnant and feeling like their needs aren't being met...I've been there and so have many of the men I know...I call them men because they sucked it up and got through it without crushing the hearts of the woman they love for the sake of sexual gratification or because they felt lonley.

A) He fucking cheated on you....there is no goddamn positive aspect of cheating accept for the person who is getting their rocks off and who ever is enabling that. People make mistakes..and then they deal with them and learn. He's made his mistake, time to learn.

B) He expects you to embrace the women who enabled him to cheat on you...tell him to give his head a shake and grow up. You're a new mother and she is his mistress.

C) Where the hell is this women's sense of morality and concern for you? I know what it is like to look in the mirror and know I am having an affair with a married woman and "directly" hurting her husband. She should be walking away from this. If everyone was as blind to the happiness and health of others the world would be a very shitty place. The world would be ruled by aggressive takers, people only concerned for their own well being and hiding behind a veil of philosphical "I can't be accountable for someone else's reaction." Bull fucking shit.

This isn't poly...this is a fine example of selfishness....obviously this thread is not making me happy. I am leaving it because there are so many triggers in this.

Please look after yourself...you will get all the family support in this. I don't usually say this, but you've got all the power...you just don't realize it.

kreeativ 02-28-2011 06:11 PM

not his responibility to make you happy.

Derbylicious 02-28-2011 06:24 PM


Originally Posted by kreeativ (Post 68683)
not his responibility to make you happy.

It might not be his responsibility to make you happy but it is his responsibility to treat you fairly and with compassion. He's your husband after all.

MonoVCPHG 02-28-2011 06:33 PM


Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 68688)
It might not be his responsibility to make you happy but it is his responsibility to treat you fairly and with compassion. He's your husband after all.

Agreed Derby but I will take it farther.
I believe it is a partner's responsibility to try to enhance the live's of those they are involved with. I also think that needs to be returned. I think doing things that make your partner happy is a part of that. There is a lack of human compassion involved with the idea that we are not responsible for each other as a human race and as partners.
How does that translate to a philosophy of more love? Sorry, I just don't get it.

kreeativ 02-28-2011 06:37 PM

yes of course. i wont argue that. and if she is staying there for the kids,thats a big mistake. hes not poly he's a sexual addict. or a nre addict. or an uncareing selfish pig.i dont know him i dont know her. no matter how much a person reveals on this website one will never know the true dynamics of someones situation. i think she should do whatever it is that makes her happy.thats all im saying.because if she is waiting for him to make her happy,she is missing life.

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