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-   -   Marriage not working out? Lets try poly! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7258)

redpepper 02-28-2011 04:50 AM

Marriage not working out? Lets try poly!
This was written on a blog recently and I thought it was an interesting thing to talk about. "How many couples fall into this (poly) because of dissatisfaction. Their core relationship is sucking wind, but instead of breaking ties they open up. Does this work, sure, sometimes, it fulfills them, but most times it doesn't. Its a patchwork house looking to explode at the first storm because the base isn't strong. Its like watching a trainwreck... we can all hope and dream, but this is a shaky foundation to get your start in non-monogamy... I once used jenga as an example of how healthy non-monogamy should work. If the base isn't built right the whole house will come down."

I have always thought a good foundation is the key to successful poly relationships. But I can see how it would be easy to just open a marriage up rather than deal with the fact that its not going well and perhaps ending... its almost a nail in the coffin of a relationship I would think.

Does poly ever work to cure a unhappy marriage... or does it create more strife? Does it create an opportunity to look at things with new eyes because new love enters the arena?

redpepper 02-28-2011 04:53 AM

note from another thread in regards to this topic.

Originally Posted by Morningglory629 (Post 67234)
Some I have read on here definitely came into poly when there was a problem with the primary relationship. Problems of compatibility or interests or even communication-style. Of course once they were in it, some primary relationships- the ones with a good foundation where the partners are strong individuals have survived the transition from mono to non-mono. I do think that it is fair to say some enter into poly in a less than ideal way, however, if it can help the individuals be happier as individuals with a new ability to connect with others in ways they were not previously connecting, then it is possible for that patchwork to find some support in the "batting" that poly can offer a weakened relationship. Sometimes...not always. There are numerous examples where poly for a weak relationshp has completely shattered the primary relationship. but again, I have to say that poly is never the cause of the breakup from my observation on here and other sites, but rather a grasping at straws. It isn't ENOUGH to keep a bad relationship together. Know what I mean?

BlackUnicorn 02-28-2011 09:46 AM

A man and a woman meet, fall in love, get married, maybe have children to boot. Fast forward ten to twenty years. The other partner comes out as gay. Options are to break up or go poly.

Quath 02-28-2011 02:40 PM

I was in a relationship where both of us were poly. However, we were not in a good place in our relationship. We made the decision to work on our relationship first. There were two main reasons. One is that it would not be fair to being someone into our relationship when it was so rocky. Another is that NRE of the other relationship could easily keep us from dealing with our current relationship.

After a year, our relationship had gotten better on some ways and worse in others. So we decided to go poly as a last attempt. However, all that really did was make it easier for our relationship to end since she had other people to go to. We realized it was not going to work and parted on good terms.

nycindie 02-28-2011 09:40 PM

Sometimes I entertain the fantasy of reconciling with my soon-to-be-ex-husband and having it turn into a polyamorous relationship. I know he'd never go for that, and reconciliation is out of the question in his mind, but I've wondered if opening it up might've helped us, if we'd have done that a few years ago before it got bad.

Just a fantasy. <sigh>

PickMoreDaisies 03-01-2011 06:01 PM

my experience
For me:

1st marriage - "go ahead get a girlfriend....I'll get a boyfriend too...I don't care, do whatever makes you happy"

2nd marriage - "I love you so much and feel so secure in our relationship, I totally trust you and would love to see you explore other relationships"

1st marriage = 1 year

2nd marriage = 10 years

dingedheart 03-01-2011 08:35 PM

Hey Rp

Now in my situation this was not how poly was explained or pitched to me however looking at everything I think one could argue this is the reality of my situation. All your questions I think could be yes or maybe yes depending on the situation or the participants. If this becomes the out sourcing of romantic love and everyone's ok with that then maybe it could be workable. Very interesting idea's.... thanks D

LovingRadiance 03-02-2011 02:59 AM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 68618)
Does poly ever work to cure a unhappy marriage... or does it create more strife? Does it create an opportunity to look at things with new eyes because new love enters the arena?

Loved the quote when I read it too. ;)


I think that sometimes poly does end up being the catalyst that cures an unhappy reason, but not because POLY causes the cure. Because poly causes so much introspection, honesty and faithful work on oneself and THOSE THINGS can cure a relationship nightmare.
I think it's cruel to everyone involved to go this route, better to just get off your asses and do the work, then if you still have an interest in multiple loves, go for it.
Much like we tell people not to get married out of "need for help" because it's unhealthy. No relationship should be started to "fix" something.

Mohegan 03-12-2011 02:47 AM

I think it saved my marriage. It has given Karma and I the tools we've needed to grow into our selves, to be more appreciative and accepting of eachoter and forced us to take a long hard look at ourselves.

Eve with the recent breakup and drama with Cricket, Karma and I are still strong and more connected than ever.

I don't think it can save every marriage. You have to be willing to put in the work. Neither of us were willing to walk away, but we weren't willing to continue living as we were either. We had to put in the work individualy as well as personaly to get where we are.

I do believe though, that learning it is okay to love another and embracing that love, learning how to grow that love, has amazing effects on the other relationships in your life.

HappiestManAlive 03-12-2011 05:19 PM

How very appropriate to find this now.

We have a close friend who's marriage was exactly one more CPR repetition away from declaring the ToD. We didn't know her husband at all, just her and her issues with him and the relationship.

We watched her cheat briefly.

We talked to her a LOT. We chided her about having issues she hadn't discussed with him, how it was unfair to think those things and decide in advance he wouldn't work with her.

Out of the blue, literally overnight, they're working on things. She had a "WTF why not" moment, and spilled it all out, unfiltered, unedited, brutally. She did it to push him away for good, to get it over with. Surprise - he reacted with concern, understanding, and willingness to work with her.

Within 24 hours, they're talking to us about a swinging situation (she is VERY attracted to Violet and Lana, and to me as well to perhaps a lesser degree, and we ALL bit our tongues for months when she talked about how unfulfilling her sex life was 'cuz we're all attracted to her, lol) and us helping them understand and ease into BDSM.

Now we're trying to help them fix things and look into non monogamy, celebrating their new understanding and willingness to work on the relationship - and trying to help them understand that ORE and new understanding doesn't mean suddenly jumping into Poly or swinging overnight because you're both "okay with it". Which is more difficult than I'd like to admit 'cuz the mutual attraction factor is sky high, lol. Still, if we're going to play together, we want to be a continued source of positivity - not a catalyst to disaster.

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