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-   -   Once Bitten, Twice Shy? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=724)

scandal 09-03-2009 05:14 AM

Once Bitten, Twice Shy?
Greetings all,

Just wanted some thoughts on being in a poly relationship and interested in forming new relationships. I was in a poly double V until recently, so I am currently interested in creating some new friendships with a "let's see what happens" attitude.

I like to be very open and upfront about my relationship status with new friends, but outside of the swinging community (which seems to be more accepting of alternative relationship models than the regular crowd), the description of my relationship with husband dearest seems to result in a person responding with a "Phwoaaar, well then you aren't such a good girl after - all you must be ready for a random shag!" It's not the first time this has happend as in the past we got some similar reactions from friends until they really understood that we aren't just in it for a quick and easy rush of endorphins.

Needless to say, I am not frequenting those places these days, since I dislike either the reaction or having to hide part of who I am. Has anyone else hit this problem?

River 09-03-2009 03:04 PM

When I was involved with another (temporarily) while still with my partner, Kevin, I told a few friends and aquaintances about this, and the typical response was "I just couldn't do that," which felt quite distancing, if not judging. Only one person said, "how nice for you!" -- rather sincerely.

MonoVCPHG 09-03-2009 03:20 PM


Originally Posted by JRiverMartin (Post 6187)
"I just couldn't do that," which felt quite distancing, if not judging.

If I had a dollar for everytime I heard that LOL!!

I don't blame them though. I am able to understand thier inability to not understand more than I understand someone's ability to love more than one person intimately....in the way I use the word "intimate" :)
Luckily, I don't need to understand it to feel healthy and loved within it :D

AutumnalTone 09-03-2009 05:10 PM

When I was describing poly to some coworkers, one of them said "Oh, you're swingers." I replied "No, that's polyfuckery. Polyamory is about loving relationships, we want more than sex." It was like a light clicked on in her head at that.

I think attaching the "poly" to "fuck" to illustrate swinging and then pointing out polyamory is "many loves" helps a lot of folks to understand it.

And I never assume it's a bad thing when they say they don't think they could do it. It's a foreign concept to them and they really don't think they could do it because they have no idea how to go about doing it.

XYZ123 09-03-2009 11:53 PM

I heard "I can't do that" all the time. It doesn't bother me, nor make me feel distanced. They just couldn't do it. There was a time when I wouldn't have thought I could either. When I said I was bi a very good female friend said "Ewwww. Vagina is gross!" This and the look on her face made me laugh until my sides hurt because I knew that, while SHE felt that way about vagina, she didn't feel ANY different for me. It's like me saying I like eating cow brain and someone saying "Eww. I wouldn't". It doesn't mean we can't be just as close friends.

But I've had others tell me "you're disgusting" or "you must have a bad marriage then" or "your husband is just using you" or "you don't really love eachother then". That's where it gets insulting and people get cut off.

NeonKaos 09-03-2009 11:59 PM


Originally Posted by XYZ123 (Post 6258)
When I said I was bi a very good female friend said "Ewwww. Vagina is gross!"

I can't believe people feel that way about their own stuff. Yes, it was a big relief the first time I tasted someone else's pussy and decided I liked it, but I already knew "vagina" wasn't "gross" because I have one and I know what mine is like.

River 09-04-2009 12:19 AM

Amen, sister!

NeonKaos 09-04-2009 12:21 AM

Actually, I know WHY some people are turned off by their own stuff, I just think they should get over it.

River 09-04-2009 12:27 AM


Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 6271)
Actually, I know WHY some people are turned off by their own stuff,

I'd love to hear your theory or hypothesis.

"I just think they should get over it."


NeonKaos 09-04-2009 12:39 AM

Well, it's no secret that in Western society and the Judeo-Christian culture that children are often taught that the genital and anal area are "private", "dirty", and/or "shameful" either in so many words or through actions and behaviours.

HOW (and whether) other people deal with their issue(s) is not my problem. I guess one could start by reading self-help books...

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