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-   -   How do I ask my Boyfriend for tri??? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7183)

amandaebo 02-25-2011 03:41 PM

How do I ask my Boyfriend for tri???
I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now, we are very much in love and very happy together. I started university locally in September last year and met a girl on my course i really got on with, we would go out have some drinks and laughs. One night we had, maybe a little more to drink than usual and we ended up having an amazing experience together, this was my first experience with another girl and I was amazed by it. The next morning when i woke up next to her I didnt regret a thing.
I didnt tell my boyfriend about it, but told her i had a boyfriend, she was fine with this and wanted to continue with the fun and suggested a 3some. I'd never had a 3some and thought yea why not. I asked my boyfriend one night if he fancied going out for a drink so we did and "accidently" bumped into my friend, we all had drinks and went to a club, we all danced and got flirty, at the end of the night we went back my and my boyfriends place for after drinks. We generally chatted and got onto the subject of a 3some, eventually we did all end up in bed together and it was incredible!
We have done this 3 times since then and i am starting to fall for her and im still in love with him.
She is living in halls on the university at the moment and I want to ask my boyfriend if he would consider a triad relationship and maybe let her move in with us, do u think he would be ok with this?? How could I ask him?? I just worried that he will be angry because I am falling in love with someone else?

redpepper 02-25-2011 07:44 PM


Originally Posted by amandaebo (Post 68234)
I want to ask my boyfriend if he would consider a triad relationship and maybe let her move in with us, do u think he would be ok with this?? How could I ask him?? I just worried that he will be angry because I am falling in love with someone else?

I think just telling him you are in love with her and fessing up to the manipulation of the situation that started with you cheating on him would be a good bet. Maybe you already have?

The fact of the matter is that you have made this all happen so far and there seems to be some need for things to settle. You are in NRE it seems, and are having a good time. That is awesome, but NRE ends and stuff starts to arise out of that that might not of been evident before then. It might end with you telling him the story of what happened,,,, but it sounds unlikely. He sounds like he might be okay with what happened between the two of you women.

Still, he seems to not know and that is not a good place to start a triad from at the beginning of something. Also not a good thing to repeat in the future I don't think. You are fortunate that this worked out so far... it could of gone VERY wrong.... and he could of been very hurt. Better talk about all that before thinking that your success is what always happens.

The other part is her moving in.... wait I say. There is no rush. As I said, you are in NRE and that settles... if at such time you feel that your lives out side of the bedroom would work together and that you will all have adequate time with each other separately then maybe then it might be something to look at. It seems to me that is is far too early yet.

I can't tell you if he will be angry. That remains to be seen. He could be just having a great ol' time getting off on having two women in bed, or he could genuinely love the idea of poly.... which boils down to other stuff in relationships when all is said and done. Not the sex. I don't know and neither do you until you talk to him and her separately and together.

BlackUnicorn 02-25-2011 08:03 PM

Agree with redpepper. Moving in together is too soon. Say it doesn't work out - would you just kick her out? I'd advice you to do some reading on unicorn care.

Also, did I understand it correctly that your bf is not in love with this girl? Jealousy isn't alleviated even if he gets to sleep with her too, if he sees that the two of you have a strong emotional connection he and this other girl don't share. Moving in will make all problems that surface that much more intense. Do you have space for her? Should everyone have their own room? How to split living expenses? Cooking shifts?

Come clean to the bf. Enjoy dating! There is plenty of time to argue over who left the socks in the drier in the future, if the three of you work it out. Also, triads can't be forced. Right now it looks like you are the hinge on a vee, with your bf occasionally being let in on the fun. His emotions well may change when he hears that this isn't just about sex for you.

LovingRadiance 02-25-2011 08:08 PM

First, confession and honest with him about how this all came up, how you feel, what you want and why.

Second, study up on poly.

(one and two may be interchangable, but both need to occur before proceeding)

Third, discuss poly with him if it still seems pertinent.

Fourth, discuss with her if it's still an option after 1-3.

Fifth, discuss between the three of you what the "boundaries" would be, including terms for protecting her from being out on her ass and homeless if the relationship "breaks up".

amandaebo 02-25-2011 08:22 PM

I will tell him tonight how it all came about and see if he still is ok with it, I will also introduce him to poly life and see if he is onboard. I would happily start a family with them both. I just really want to be with both of them all the time that's why I thought I'd suggest her moving in. I've talked to her about it and she's onboard, just concerned about asking him x

BlackUnicorn 02-25-2011 08:27 PM


Originally Posted by amandaebo (Post 68283)
I just really want to be with both of them all the time that's why I thought I'd suggest her moving in.

I know! You are up in your neck in what some poly people call NRE or New Relationship Energy, or we could just call it being in love. However, being so in love as you are right now is a sure sign that intelligence, reason and consideration have all been put to the back-burner for now. Not a good time to overhaul your entire everyday life.

amandaebo 02-26-2011 04:15 AM

I spoke to him tonight and he is very on board with it which is great! And I told him I spent a night with her before the 3some which he was ok with :) I called and told her and she sounded very excited about it, but she suggested involving another female friend of hers, I told her I would think about it, she said it would just be for fun but I'm not sure wether that would work, do u think it would be possible to make things work in that situation? X

redpepper 02-26-2011 07:03 AM

This is sounding like its more about sex than poly relationships... not a problem, but it could get confusing for someone if there is the expectation of romance and relationship in other ways. If you all want to get together and just have sex then all the power to you, but it might be helpful to clarify. It sounds to me that for her there is not much more than a friendship with sex... adding another sounds like it would be more of that it seems... more communicating to come me thinks.

amandaebo 03-01-2011 08:04 PM

We have decided to go ahead with the moving in thing and just keep it with the 3 of us, I know it might be soon but I know we will all be very happy together, she and him get on really well and know they will fall in love, I love them both to bits and can't wait to start a family together :)

BlackUnicorn 03-02-2011 02:56 PM

So happy for you! Do keep us posted on the developments.

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