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-   -   NRE overflow / Breakup overflow... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7181)

jokutus 02-25-2011 01:32 PM

NRE overflow / Breakup overflow...
 
Hey guys...

Well, I had my first real poly relationship...

It was brief, the NRE was amazing - and now the Breaking up part is devastating. Which leads me to (what I believe) an interesting question...

For lack of a better term - NRE overflow into the primary relationship happens. I think we have all felt that at one time or another.

How do you control, or can you control the emotional / negative / breakup overflow from effecting your primary relationship?

Has anyone dealt with this? I mean, yesterday (the day it was apparent that the relationship was over) I was miserable. Today I am just emotionally numb... I want to get over this as soon as possible, and generally for me to get my head on straight it takes me a few months of seclusion and contemplation. It gives me time to do some "Relationship CSI" work and see when / where it all started to go wrong. While doing that, I know I am probably going to be obsessive, impulsive, neurotic and generally in a different head-space my wife. I don't want those feelings to bleed into her happiness...

Anyone have suggestions?

MonoVCPHG 02-25-2011 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jokutus (Post 68227)
How do you control, or can you control the emotional / negative / breakup overflow from effecting your primary relationship?

You shouldn't have to....if your other relationships are healthy and comfrotable with poly they should be there to support you. That's part of the pain behind the beauty of poly; you share in everything one way or another, the joy and sadness.

Ariakas 02-26-2011 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jokutus (Post 68227)
How do you control, or can you control the emotional / negative / breakup overflow from effecting your primary relationship?

You can't. Any human can empathize, some do it better than others. If you are hurting they will sense of feel it. They have to mourn with you and it really can't be stopped.

Ideally, you are strong enough as a couple to support each other and talk through it.

Breaking up sucks horribly...best of luck with the healing.

AutumnalTone 02-26-2011 12:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jokutus (Post 68227)
How do you control, or can you control the emotional / negative / breakup overflow from effecting your primary relationship?

Has anyone dealt with this? I mean, yesterday (the day it was apparent that the relationship was over) I was miserable. Today I am just emotionally numb... I want to get over this as soon as possible, and generally for me to get my head on straight it takes me a few months of seclusion and contemplation. It gives me time to do some "Relationship CSI" work and see when / where it all started to go wrong. While doing that, I know I am probably going to be obsessive, impulsive, neurotic and generally in a different head-space my wife. I don't want those feelings to bleed into her happiness...

A breakup is going to involve grieving--that's just something you'll have to go through. Your other relationships will be affected in much the same way as grieving you'd do for any other loss, such as a pet. That's part of this whole relationship thing.

As far as it bleeding into your wife's happiness, that can only happen if she allows it, if she can't hold on to herself in the midst of your relationship. If she's suddenly unhappy because you're dealing with some grief, that's a serious issue the two of you might want to address with a counselor, 'cause that's not healthy.

I can say that while I was grieving the end of my last secondary relationship, my wife was supportive. Her essential happiness wasn't affected, either, as we're fairly well-differentiated.

redpepper 02-26-2011 12:58 AM

oh poor you. I'm sorry you are hurting...

I was just talking about break up last night. I wrote it on here somewhere. The thing with poly is that one might be all gung ho and in NRE at the beginning,,, the part that we often witness on here. The thing is that for one break up with one person its bad enough, with more people, such as in poly... it's worse I think at times! :( a good note for monogamy ;)

bella123456 02-26-2011 11:46 PM

I agree with what others have said. All to often when we try to "control" our feelings it sort of translates to "don't feel" them..

Which gets you nowhere in terms of healing...

Feel your feelings - It's what they are for !

Best wishes for your healing...sorry you are hurting..


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