Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   New polyfidelitous, any advice?? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7173)

barney00 02-25-2011 10:23 AM

New polyfidelitous, any advice??
 
Hi, ive been with my gf for 6 years now and about 6 months ago we were going through a bit of a dry spell in the bedroom, cut a long story short, me her and a friend of hers all ended up in bed together. We all continued to see eachother since then and her friend has become commited to us and moved in last week, we are all getting on great but I am concerned about possible jealousy, does any in a similar situation have any advice on this?

Ariakas 02-25-2011 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by barney00 (Post 68208)
Hi, ive been with my gf for 6 years now and about 6 months ago we were going through a bit of a dry spell in the bedroom, cut a long story short, me her and a friend of hers all ended up in bed together. We all continued to see eachother since then and her friend has become commited to us and moved in last week, we are all getting on great but I am concerned about possible jealousy, does any in a similar situation have any advice on this?

I would do a search on jealousy. Poly-fi has its own list of stressors. She has someone else and you don't? That kind of thing can really play a role. NRE will be huge for the next series of months. I would try and find a hobby to keep you occupied, might help mitigate the fact a lot of attention will be shown to him/her over the next while.

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

Read through that site. Lots of great information to build a foundation for non-monogamy.

Best of luck

Oh, I don't normally push people to search or to look for other sites. But your question has a million possible answers... so once you get specifics we can answer in better details :)

barney00 02-25-2011 06:43 PM

Thanks for your reply, the concerns are wether my long term gf will be jealous of me being intimate with the new one (her friend) without her being there, she says she is fine with it but we haven't actually been intimate without her being there. Its only ever been all 3 of us being sexually intimate together since we all started this relationship, which is fine but I'm sure there will be jealousy when there is a 1 on 1 thing going on, I am totally fine with them 2 together without me but I'm sure the long term gf will be jealous at some point.

yoxi 02-25-2011 07:23 PM

That's the kind of question that will never answer itself in the abstract - what people think they'll feel in a particular situation and what they actually do feel when it comes to it are different things. I would say, don't worry*, but keep talking about it, and especially once/if you two do sleep together without your long-term gf there, keep talking (all three of you) about how it feels now it's happened before doing it again, so there's room for everyone to find out, and then say, how they feel about it.

*by which I mean "don't assume the worst", not "don't be concerned"!

redpepper 02-25-2011 07:27 PM

Jealousy is usually linked to fear of not enough time, lack of being appealing or boring... NRE plays a huge roll. You can find out what it going on by asking if any of these questions are valid for her. Jealousy is completely normal and part of relationship dynamics. Especially in poly. Communication between the trhee of you will be very important as a result. Especially as the dynamic shifts. You have moved your girlfriend in under the influence on NRE I would imagine. I would wonder if there has been any talk of what might happen if this all doesn't work out after things settle into the daily grind more?

I would suggest doing a search on here for "NRE" "triads" "jealousy" and anything else that you find interesting... "foundations" "lessons" All good tag results with those...

barney00 03-01-2011 08:09 PM

Yoxi, are you in a similar relationship?

GroundedSpirit 03-02-2011 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by barney00 (Post 68252)
.............Its only ever been all 3 of us being sexually intimate together since we all started this relationship, which is fine but I'm sure there will be jealousy when there is a 1 on 1 thing going on, I am totally fine with them 2 together without me but I'm sure the long term gf will be jealous at some point.

Hey Barney,

Good to be prepared but then again, we all know what "ass ume" does.
A lot of whether any jealousy may surface depends on the relationship between the two of them. As long as they are both on the same page about their role in making your life special all will be well. It's the 'team' approach. What's good for one may be good for the team.

But I agree you're wise to think and even TALK about this in advance. Because you're right. Just the way life & schedules flow, more than likely you'll end up one-on-one with both of them at some points.

If all is well with the tribe, the most you will have to deal with is envy - not jealousy. And it's critical that everyone understand the difference. Reality is that we can't all be everywhere at once and time conflicts will come up sometimes. That's not any individuals 'fault' - it's just the world we live in. Envy is a lot easier to work through. And it can have it's positive sides because it can force us to evaluate our life and see where we may need to make some adjustments to come closer to where our real happiness lies.

Good luck - keep it simple.

GS

yoxi 03-02-2011 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by barney00 (Post 68888)
Yoxi, are you in a similar relationship?

No, just observant :) - this communication stuff seems to work whatever kind of relationship anyone's in, whether romantic or not, poly or not.
[...and of course, I should follow my own advice more...:(]


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:28 PM.