New to Poly Amory - Experiences, Thoughts, Feelings and Questions
New to Poly Amory - Experiences, Thoughts, Feelings and Questions
New to this space... Male, Young, Athletic, Well Traveled, Well Read, Spiritual.
I have never been in a Poly-Amor relationship... or maybe I have.
I've been cheated on, I've been the guy who someone cheated with on someone else,
I've been in an open thing out of chance / accident / some choice - To shed more light.
THIS IS HOW THE THOUGHTS FIRST CAME ABOUT:
I was not committed to anyone person and was openly dating people. Met this girl at a club, we danced close (like a body wrap) and we flirted and talked about getting together (naughty, flirty conversations)..
Fast forward 1 month and a few short phone calls & flirting and logistical time / sched issues... We finally meet.
Dinner at her place, watching a DVD, and so on.. 3 am we are naked in bed. As we lie in each other arms.. We find out we're both casually dating several other people as well (at different levels / stages).
Given that I did not want to be tied down or committed at the time I was up only for a Casual Thing. She was doing the same (dating few people) but that night mentioned that she would rather just be with me... if at all I would indulge, based on how I was... Funny thing is THAT night itself she said she'd love to just be with me and not date other people if I chose so.
We kept in touch, met on & off.. Busy schedules, travel, etc. Over the time we dated I developed 'feelings' for her, but I did not like the clinginess and drama and SET expectations, schedules & drama that comes with a committed relationship.
Note: I HATE the DRAMA that a lot of committed relationships bring.
She would tell me "She loves me" several times.. I felt something but did not want to commit and/ or say those words. Once, it came out from within.. I said it.. I meant it. But I still did not want to be tied down, and more so.. Our time schedule & my travel logistics would not be ideal for a monogamous committed relationship.
The thing I realized about myself was I could hardly ever just be CASUAL. I CARE. I BEGIN TO CARE & LOVE. Poly-dating became amory at some level. I moved cities, but we talk once in a blue moon.
EXPERIENCE: LOVE, CARE & COMPASSION FOR MORE THAN ONE:
Whats funny is that I began to feel similar LOVE & CARE feelings for all the few women I was dating (as yet non sexual with some but flirty / romantic etc.). My dating multiple women & maybe just wanting casual relations and / or casual fuck buddies was not really want I wanted. I was just trying to not fall in love with one person (too much singular attachment & drama).
DEVELOPMENT: BRINGING IN THE NOTION OF BEING TOGETHER BUT STILL FREE:
Now, bringing up OTHER PEOPLE would have been wierd for me as well as her... at the get go. We were barely establishing our OWN chemistry. NO LIES WERE TOLD! by HER or by ME. No Commitments were made by her or me.
As I said, it might not have happened - we might not have made such good friends & lovers if we had "pre-diverted" into "other people chemistry" v/s "our chemistry".
I know, its kinda of on the edge, but i'm simply sharing a real life experience.
The thing is most people would probably love & accept Poly-A as long as they are assured & be secure of themselves & others .. Its the introduction BIT that can just cause RUFFLES... the anxiety & the fears of no CONTRACT of 100% Monogamy
Its the same place where a man & woman would choose to be Fuck Buddies / or Booty Calls but they would not have talked about THAT from the GET GO.. in EXPLICIT statements..
They build their chemistry as it comes... FBs, FwBs, Casual Dating / Short term Relationships, Open Dating / Open Relationships, Amorous / PolyAmorous, Exclusive Committed Monogamours ... Wherever it goes...
SELF AWARENESS, SPIRITUALITY, PHILOSOPHY & SELF-FREEDOM & SELF-LOVE, UNIVERSAL LOVE:
I feel LOVE is FREEDOM. Being in LOVE is like FEELING FREE, FEELING UNAFRAID, FEELING NAKED - Mind, Body, Soul.
LOVE is not about TIED YOURSELF or SOMEONE ELSE DOWN.. to LIMITS, EXPECTATIONS & CONDITIONS .. YOU SET.
I know both because my experiences on the Spirtual Side with the DIVINE have no limits, expectations or CONDITIONS.. It is UNCONDITIONAL.. and ALL ACCEPTING.
The opposite is where some gets upset, nasty, angry & even devious for no reason in a so called monogamous love relationship when small trivial elements / mistakes / misunderstandings happen.
That is the whole point of LOVE.. To LOVE & ACCEPT someone AS THEY ARE.. ALL THEIR POSITIVES & NEGATIVES... Not just at the beginning of a relationship.. during a HIGH.. but throughout.. later.. when the Highs dont exist.. and a certain stability sets in.. (hopefully its not monotony).
ITS NOT ABOUT LOVING SOMEONE ELSE, BUT IN "INVOKING" INSIDE OF YOU.. A FEELING OF LOVE.
YOUR TRUE NATURE is LOVE, PEACE & JOY.
Why not be it? Why set limits, fears, conditions & expectations?
ANYWAYS... Thats me & my thoughts.
I AM CURIOUS HOW SOMEONE GOES ABOUT SETTING UP A POLY AMOR / LOVE thing from the GET GO without having to CONVINCE SOMEONE.. or DEAL with the DRAMA.. or...
CRITICAL QUESTION: At what stage in the DEVELOPMENT of that INTERACTION do you go DEEPER... into Poly & Related thoughts without hampering the progress of the initial chemistry build up.
MORE SO... FIND SOMEONE who ... WOULD ACCEPT OR ALREADY LOVES THIS MINDSET.
Well you won't be told to edit your post for punctuation and paragraph breaks, that's one thing I'm sure of.
Personally, I lean towards telling them once it starts to look like you want to keep dating the person. So it may take a few dates to know if you have the right chemistry.
One exception for me is that since I am married, I don't want to give the impression I am cheating. So I am up front from the beginning. (Oddly, more people are accepting of cheating than polyamory.)
The tougher wuestion ishow to present polyamory when it is time for the "ralk."
I'm also married so I have to be upfront from the beginning I guess. Though I have no experience with someone who doesn't know me as a married woman. So I'm sure I'll be questioning this myself should it happen.
I am guessing it depends on how many pre conceived bindings and stipulations we come in with?
At the moment I am not seeing anyone.. Spent 1.5/2 years being Celibate after an era of varying experiences.
In my case, I am probably not thinking Poly or Mono from the start. Probably just imply & be clear about casual dating... and let the energies take things forward... Whether it becomes FBs, FwBs, Casual Dating or more preferably the former ones turning deeper into more caring, loving... Polys.
The thing is, I doubt I'd be comfortable sharing my views on / even considering any kind of mono or poly relationship until certain boundaries have been crossed. Its my inner life.. and to get to it.. you've got to deserve it.. earn it.
I give the same respect to the other person as well.
Having noticed young people dating these days.. I think Monogamy is almost never in tow until after the dating becomes more regular... (chemistry is established.. and now before it gets serious the commitment is questioned).
Funny thing is I was shocked to see how some suppossedly morally traditional women would play the field as well to get the max bang for the bucks out in the market.
i.e. Mono Commitment does not come right away/ upfront. In fact I know of women who would want Mono at the get go after first night... But would not hesitate to scope other opportunities & multi task big time.. Kinda seems like "shopping" for best buck.
Both sexes seem to PLAY the FIELD.. IF THEY CAN!... If you can milk it, do so.
If you cant then do what you can to get what you can.
Which is why it kinda scares me to put my feelings on the line.. until I know what LIES BENEATH in that person.
An unlikely defender
I am completely monogamous and have a long monogamous history in marraige. Redpepper has alos been married for a considerable time, part of that mongamously. The three of us are not looking for monogamy in the long run because at the bare minimum that means someone loses out.
Even I don't want us to be monogamous because that would take away from her primary relationship and hurt her husband and son, both of which I care about intensley. We do want our poly relationship forever and are putting ourselves out there to achieve it.
Poly is not about searching. Poly is about loving more than one person and sharing for periods of our lives whether they be long or short. Everyone wants something differerent.
Living poly may be a stage...being poly is not.
And yet, I still find it hard to swallow.....luckily my heart is in the lead :D
In fact I think the primary reason for people seeking Mono Commitments is ..Security, Stability & Predictability. Its easier managed. But its not Mono they really want.. They want the assurance of S, S & P that comes with it.
But, true security can only come from within... No matter how much someone assures you, you have to love yourself from within to be secure.
I said, I see and note in the dating world what makes people jump from one to the other... the way people play... without knowing why they do so. Extremely unaware.
There are those that LATCH on to the security of a Mono Commitment in hopes of consistency. Some are too insecure to be alone or try & play the field .. or be honest to their poly inclinations..
They are those who PLAY with non committed poly gamy.. Enjoy the field without feelings.. aka Casual Sex & Casual / Short term things..
There are those who are serially mono.. but jump ship to ship to ship.. looking for something that can never be found..
A mix of several above things & what not..
Poly does not mean that you have to raise kids together .. does it? For some it does.. right?
I'd say.. being POLY is our nature. For each an expression of that may vary. We love our friends, partners, family, co workers, strangers.
We LOVE to LOVE.
So what is Poly?
It breaks through all norms of what can be called LOVE.
The question is.. do most people even know what LOVE is?
Love is not something to do with the other person.
Love is not a feeling.
Love is not something WE DO.
Love is our NATURE. Our True Nature..
When we allow that to come through...dont hide / resist our true nature, it makes us feel elated.
When it becomes part of us 24/7... then we are like a Buddha or Jesus or Krishna... who loves everyone & everything & entire universe unconditionally everywhere.
Love is the inner essence that rises within us... When you see an attractive person (whatever your orientation) the essence that rises is LOVE... and then when you want to POSSESS that person.. Own that person... that is NOT LOVE.
The same happens when you see a lovely scene in nature (sunset, mountains, beaches ..etc) or a little child or something Attractive..
Love is the feeling of BELONGING, yet one of FREEDOM.
When you FEEL LOVE.. You feel FREE.. Like a Bird.. Formless.. Free.. Like a Cloud.. Like the Wind.. Like a Bird..
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