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-   -   Is this considered polyamory? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=70313)

LexiNova 06-13-2014 06:22 PM

Is this considered polyamory?
 
I have an interest to try a relationship with a girl, but I do have a boyfriend. He is okay with the idea that I would have a girlfriend, but he would also want to be a part of our sex life. Is that considered polyamory? If it is how do I go about setting up guide lines and boundaries. We'd want to make it clear to her that she would mainly be there for me and be my girlfriend but that we'd both enjoy having sex with her and sex with just me. There would never be sex between just her and my boyfriend. Also where could I find a girl who would be cool with that?

Marcus 06-13-2014 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LexiNova (Post 269548)
I have an interest to try a relationship with a girl, but I do have a boyfriend. He is okay with the idea that I would have a girlfriend, but he would also want to be a part of our sex life. Is that considered polyamory? If it is how do I go about setting up guide lines and boundaries. We'd want to make it clear to her that she would mainly be there for me and be my girlfriend but that we'd both enjoy having sex with her and sex with just me. There would never be sex between just her and my boyfriend. Also where could I find a girl who would be cool with that?

A few links to threads covering common issues. You might also want to do a search for Unicorn Hunting, here and on Google, if you are interested in input about what you are describing.

Definitions

Poly or Swinging

Meeting Poly People

LexiNova 06-13-2014 06:51 PM

Thanks for your help. But it wouldn't be as harsh as unicorn hunting. I would want someone who I could care about and who would care about me. I also know that jealousy is a very real thing that could happen, which makes me anxious to even try. I wouldn't expect her to end any relations she has to be with me. Although she and my boyfriend would need to at least get along and be interested in attempting a three way, mainly because I'M interested in having a three-way with my boyfriend. It would closer to a vee. And if things were working between the three of us in that way I'm sure my boyfriend and I would agree to her moving in with us. Though I know it'll be difficult and it'd be hard, we've been talking about it.

nycindie 06-13-2014 07:34 PM

Well, you tell women you meet that you want a girlfriend but she is required to fuck your boyfriend and serve as a sex toy for him because what he wants is more important than how she would choose to express her sexuality or do with her own body. That about sums up what you're looking for. Good luck with that!

PolyinPractice 06-14-2014 02:13 PM

Sorry, but you do come across as so many people do where poly is ALL about you. What if you meet a wonderful woman, but she wants alone time with both of you? Would you pass because of that?

What you really want is a woman who is mostly into women, but open to men. I'm like that, and would appreciate not having to be around your boyfriend much. But he would also surely sense that I'm not that into him. He may or may not like that, in the long run, knowing I'm only in bed with him to be nice.

KC43 06-14-2014 02:33 PM

Having a loving relationship with more than one person would probably be considered polyamory.

Having a *sexual* relationship with more than one person without love being a factor would probably *not* be considered polyamory.

Having a relationship in which two people are required to do something because the third wants them to, and which has only formed because of what the third person wants, would probably not be considered a loving relationship.

It sounds like your boyfriend is willing to give you a lot, and from your post, it sounds like you want even more from him and from your potential girlfriend. Does your boyfriend want to have a threesome with you and this girlfriend? Is that your reason for forming the relationship? Or is that your fantasy and he's going along with it?

If you're serious about wanting to have a *relationship* in this manner, you might need to do some prioritizing and compromising. If you find a woman you care about deeply and want to have dates and sex with, but she isn't willing to consider a threesome with you and your boyfriend, is that a deal breaker? If you only like her as a friend, but she *is* willing to do threesomes, can you deal with not having a love relationship but just a friends-with-benefits type? If you and she are in love with each other but she and your boyfriend just kind of tolerate one another, would you be okay with that?

Try figuring your *primary* reason for wanting to do this. What is your one hundred percent absolute hard limit? If you go into this with several set expectations and are unwilling to compromise or negotiate on ANY of them, you're setting yourself up for failure. If you're willing to compromise on at least some of what you want, you might have better luck.

As my Hubby would put it, this is a THREE-yes system. You aren't the only one involved, therefore your wants, wishes, and desires aren't the only ones that matter.

sparklepop 06-14-2014 04:42 PM

I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with what you want. It simply is what you want. As long as you can find a girl who also wants the exact same thing, I don't see an ethical issue.

However, finding a girl like this is probably going to be your first challenge.

Your second challenge is going to be keeping the relationship that way if you can find it.

The third challenge is going to be to remember that she won't be an extension of your relationship with your boyfriend. Your relationship with her will be its own entity, with its own life. The same for her and your BF. All sorts of things could happen.

So, trying to find the girl: You could try joining swinging and open relationship communities and groups. Searching for events in your area. There are a number of swinging dating websites, where you might be able to find someone open to this particular dynamic. You could also try OKCupid, which I've found to be one of the more poly-friendly options. (Though, many people there identify as polyamorous rather than polysexual or otherwise).

I would suggest, firstly, that you seriously think about your expectations, hard limits, guidelines, etc. It can help to actually write these down, make sure you both agree on them and review them regularly. When you meet a new girl, you'll have to be very, very clear about what they are and make sure that she really does agree.

Genuine questions to ask yourselves:
- Is falling in love with the girl ok?
- If no, what steps will you take to prevent it? What happens if someone does fall in love?
- What happens if you meet a girl you *really* like, but she's not into BF?
- What if BF isn't attracted to her?
- What happens if the girl is open to both of you at first, but stops wanting to have BF involved?
- What if BF and the girl become closer than you and the girl? Or if they want to have sex/relationship alone too?
- What if BF eventually decides that he also wants to date others?
- What to do if someone's feelings change?

Practical guideline ideas:
- How often can dates happen with the girl?
- How long can the dates be?
- How much will BF want you to share? Where is the line for the privacy of the new girl?
- How much texting/relationship maintenance is acceptable?
- What are your safe sex agreements?
- Are overnights ok when it's just you and her?
- Are weekends/trips away (you and her) ok?
- What if it starts well, but she and BF fall out?

I would say that the biggest word of caution I can give you in this situation is that relationships tend to have a mind of their own, and muddy guidelines / poor communication can have catastrophic results. Hearts can be broken and relationships can be ruined. It's important to remember that relationships are seldom static and that various emotions/limits/wants/needs can develop. It's also important to make sure that you and BF trust each other enough to be open if you start to feel something or have done something that your guidelines have specifically disallowed.


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