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-   -   We hate each other. What to do? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=70280)

Rachelina 06-12-2014 09:28 PM

We hate each other. What to do?
 
Hi. I first joined this forum years ago when my husband first fell in love with another woman (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ight=rachelina).

What's happened since then is this: I got pregnant in 2011. She moved in 3 months before I had my baby. I had agreed to this on a trial basis, but she immediately got pregnant, thus making the situation permanent rather than experimental. I felt betrayed, but nevertheless things were pretty good for the first year and a half, and she and I were good friends.

Then things went sour and it's hard to say why. Part of it is space; the only room we had available for her is right off the main room and she feels a lack of privacy/personal space. But that's not enough to explain the intensity of the venom I've felt from her for the past year, and despite my best efforts I can't return her hate with love; I hate her too. Maybe it's simply jealousy and any two women in our situation would have the same difficulties. I don't know. My husband is convinced she has borderline personality disorder; from what I've read about it that's certainly possible. Her behavior when she's in a bad mood is scary and borderline psychotic. When she's in a better mood, we can be civil to each other, but there is no sense of trust or safety between the two of us.

So my situation: I'm stuck living with this woman. I'm not comfortable in my home while she's in it. But I'm trapped, because of our two beautiful boys. She's actually really great with my boy and takes him out to do things when I'm not able to. And the two brothers, who are 9 months apart, are the best of friends and it would break my heart to see them separated. But it's not going to take them long to figure out that their mothers hate each other. I'm doing everything possible to work on my feelings, try to cultivate compassion and forgiveness. But so far, it's not happening. The tension in our house is unlivable. I'm in chronic emotional pain. Something has to change.

What can I do? Is there hope for us? How do I go about getting along with someone who has been so hateful to me and who I don't trust? And failing that, how do I make peace with the situation?

london 06-12-2014 09:46 PM

So you've admitted that she doesn't have much personal space but you feel that isn't a big enough issue to cause her to act unreasonably. I'm not sure how you can accurately assess how bad a stressor affects someone else and how it will make them behave.

As for a solution, I think it's actually pretty simple. She is an adult, with at least one child, and she is living in your house. It doesn't feel like hers and that's got to feel uncomfortable when you consider the increasing bad feeling between the two of you. I think it will only help if you could either move somewhere where you could have more space (maybe unfeasible ) or do your best to make her feel that the house is also hers.

LovingRadiance 06-12-2014 10:02 PM

Therapy.

This may sound strange, but Alanon might be a good place to start too. Not saying anyone is an alcoholic-but Alanon teaches how to separate what is your problem from what is actually someone else's problem and how to not get dragged into co-dependent and manipulative behavior patterns, or I should say, how to stop being dragged into them.

Co-parenting classes for "divorced" couples. I say this because-couples who divorce have difficulties due to not liking each other any more. These classes are designed to help them see how to do what is best for the kids, without being destructive to each other while not liking each other. Those same skills may be useful to your situation.

Finally:
space.

It is very possible that space is a contributing factor. I know in our situation it certainly was. Once we ironed out a "personal space" for Maca, where he could be guaranteed to not have to deal with GG, his venom dissolved. It really was as simple as needing a place that was "his".

In regards to the boys/living arrangements etc:
It might be beneficial for a longer-term plan to consider looking at options of renting side by side apartments/condos and or buying a property with a house & mother in law apartment or two homes on it.
That's something we've considered because I want to be close to my two loves, the kids adore both men, but the guys need space.

Inyourendo 06-12-2014 10:55 PM

perhaps you guys can move to apartment side by side or a duplex that way the boys can still be close in each of you women have their own home your own kitchen your own bathroom you guys can still all have communal dinners and such

YouAreHere 06-12-2014 11:37 PM

I agree with the other posters. Heck, I went to DC a few years ago with a close, old friend (sista-from-anotha-motha type of thing), and I still needed time away from her. I've found that I can only travel with a small handful of people; I can't imagine the size of the subset I'd actually be able to LIVE with.

A duplex, apartment, condo, or tenement may be a better living arrangement for all of you - if you all work on that, maybe that act alone will begin to help the stress level in the house?

Rachelina 06-13-2014 10:09 AM

Thank you. I hope you all are right that this is mainly a space issue. We actually are working on fixing up space above the garage for her to live in. It won't have a kitchen or bathroom, at least not now, just bedrooms are as much as we can afford right now. Honestly, the animosity between us is such that I haven't had much hope that this is going to help, but you have given me some hope that maybe it will.

london 06-13-2014 12:11 PM

I think that shows that you're unable to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Maybe some of your generAl ideas about what should be an issue for her and what is adequate to meet her needs are grossly underestimated.

GalaGirl 06-13-2014 12:53 PM

Work on the space thing, and look up how to help a borderline. The push-pull cycles the go through can be exhausting for all, not just the patient. See about getting an actual dx if she is willing. If she is not willing, see about counseling for you and DH to learn how to best deal with it. If you cannot do that seek online forums for some support. Many folks have to deal with a pd relative and there may some useful tips there.

Galagirl

Dagferi 06-13-2014 04:29 PM

I know I would be miserable living in another woman's house.

It would be decorated in her style with her things I would be miserable.

I am also one of those people who needs solitude. Having my room right off main living space for a household would be hell for me.

Rachelina 06-13-2014 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by london (Post 269524)
I think that shows that you're unable to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Maybe some of your generAl ideas about what should be an issue for her and what is adequate to meet her needs are grossly underestimated.

What about my post shows I'm unable to put myself in her shoes? I just admitted that space is more of an issue than I had thought. Whenever there's conflict each side usually has trouble seeing the other's perspective. I make a real effort to do so; I am not perfect at it but certainly no worse than the average person.

But although space is a serious issue it's not the only one. There are mental health issues, and just a lot of grief that all this is happening. Accepting their relationship was very painful to me in the beginning, but then becoming close friends with her compensated for the pain even though it was still there. Now it's all pain, no benefit. At least that's how it seems. I need to work on acceptance and seeing that there are benefits, even if they're mostly for my boy.

Thanks for the ideas GalaGirl!


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