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-   -   Couple-hunting in Unicornia (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7024)

BlackUnicorn 02-21-2011 05:49 PM

Couple-hunting in Unicornia
 
Inspired by the thread 'What's in it for a unicorn', I think I can't help but to offer a description of what's it like to go couple-hunting from the perspective of a self-confessed unicorn.

Ever since I read Ms. Deborah Anapol, I became convinced what I really needed was a couple. She made it clear that waiting for your one-and-only to start the perfect polysituation with might leave you waiting for the rest of your life. So all the single-ladies out there, create a profile on OkCupid and start looking for your one-and-only couple.

So what do you know? Within a few minutes of signing in, there you are, looking up the profile of the cutest girl ever, who's looking for someone to get to know both her and her boyfriend. And she's IMing you!

So as it is, we're definitely on the path to friendship, and have two dates planned in March. I'm enthusiastic, and try not to get my hopes too far up.

BlackUnicorn 02-23-2011 10:09 AM

Coming out
 
So far, all the people I've talked to about my situation have responded with either 'Is this poly or are you just having some R&R?' or with 'Wow, so you really want to have the complications of a monogamous relationship multiplied?'.

The particular friend who came up with the latter comment shared some of her own pain of having once been the unwitting mono participant in a vee. She also wonders about another friend in a similar situation, whom she thinks really could do with someone who can give their full attention to him. We agreed that it's easy to pass judgment on what you think other people need, but you never can know just how any particular relationship or life-situation fits the needs of a particular person at a particular time.

So far it seems the only person who has a problem with me coming out as poly is me. Mental note to self: Never underestimate the awesomeness of people around you. Those who know you best love you for what and who you are, just like you do them.

nycindie 02-23-2011 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 67823)
Never underestimate the awesomeness of people around you.

This!

I think I'll print that sentence out and hang it on my door - love it!

LovingRadiance 02-24-2011 01:38 AM

Congratulations. That's wonderful! Now, on to accepting yourself! ;)

BlackUnicorn 02-27-2011 02:15 PM

Shopping
 
So what I'm really looking for? Trying to keep an open mind, sure, but secretly, of course I have an idea of what qualities my one and only couple would ideally have.

1) People who don't play cheap with their heart.

2) I'm primarily looking for a man-woman couple where at least the woman identifies as bi. Not that I would say 'no way' to any nice same-sex couples, either, but I find inside me a longing to have a partner of both genders.

3) Sexually compatible people. I find that compatibility is something you don't believe exists until you experience it. I wonder why sexual orientation is still described in terms of societally assigned gender identifications, instead of how people orient themselves in sexual encounters. I find that a much more apt and possibly fruitful description of my sexual orientation, instead of bisexual or even Kinsey 4, is lazy. Yep, I don't care if you're a girl, a guy or a pie, as long as you do all the work. My favorite position? Prone. Or as the okcupid test so frighteningly accurately put it, I'm a confident dominant who likes to receive.

4) I'm not looking for a primarily sexual connection either. I've nursed my heart after my last break-up a year ago back into a fighting mode again. I have love to give.

5) Jealousy isn't a problem. Unwillingness to deal with jealousy is.

6) The prime attraction dating a couple holds for me is seeing the love the two people I love have for each other. The stronger the primary couple, the stronger the triad?

7) People who like to talk. A LOT. About their feelings, relationships, ideas, hopes, fears, fantasies, themselves. And who enjoy listening to others talk about the same stuff.

Of course, part of the beauty of poly is that you can't alway get what you want, but just sometimes, you get what you really need.

BlackUnicorn 03-03-2011 09:37 AM

Tattoo
 
Okay, so this doesn't have a direct bearing to polyamory, but relates to healing and becoming a whole person, so I'll share.

This morning I got my very first tattoo ever. It is located on my solar plexus and has the following text; 2. Cor. 12:9.

The Bible verse it refers to is, following the New International Translation, this one;

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

I have struggled with panic disorder, and I chose the solar plexus because that part of my body is where I first feel an attack coming. For all of you fellow polys, monos and intererested who have 'a thorn in your flesh', be you of whatever religious persuasion or none, I wish the most glorious day!

DayStar 03-05-2011 07:50 AM

I like this!

BlackUnicorn 03-05-2011 09:58 PM

So yeah. I was a big girl today. I was brave.

I sent an e-mail. It wasn't long, but it was terrifying. The brunt of it; If your wife isn't okay with this, neither am I.

I want to meet my metamour before taking things any further than they have already gone. I want to talk to her. I'll bring conversation cards if I must. But I don't want to hurt another human being by continuing an emotional affair with their partner and not knowing whether they a) know b) are okay with it.

I was looking for couples, remember? Triads. This thing hit me in the head and caught me unawares. I didn't plan this. I want to date poly people, goddammit! I want to have threesomes! I'm pretty sure there will be too many limbs for my taste but I still want it! I don't want to be the person who has to ask them to tell their wife.

Yup, me, Miss 'Responsible Polyamory is My Middle-Name', and I'm scared shitless of my new metamour. She will probably read every single guilty thought I've ever had about their partner right on my face.

Why couldn't I stop things from escalating? I'm no idiot, I saw where this was going. Deep down I knew it wasn't just friendship.

Shit, I'm officially the Other Woman now.

ImaginaryIllusion 03-05-2011 10:15 PM

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions...

Similarly, near as I can tell, the road to & through poly is rarely smooth...there's lots of speed bumps, potholes and detours...
Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 69633)
So yeah. I was a big girl today. I was brave.

I sent an e-mail. It wasn't long, but it was terrifying. The brunt of it; If your wife isn't okay with this, neither am I.

I want to meet my metamour before taking things any further than they have already gone. I want to talk to her. I'll bring conversation cards if I must. But I don't want to hurt another human being by continuing an emotional affair with their partner and not knowing whether they a) know b) are okay with it.

Good on you for putting your foot down and spelling it out. You are right to insist.

nycindie 03-06-2011 12:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 69633)
Why couldn't I stop things from escalating? I'm no idiot, I saw where this was going. Deep down I knew it wasn't just friendship.

Shit, I'm officially the Other Woman now.

I didn't even know you were seeing someone. Did I miss that somehow? I knew you are looking for a couple with whom to be in a triad, but I thought you were currently single. Is this a new thing?


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