Story of Macbeth and Lady Macbeth
I thought I would post a more lengthy version of our story because I've enjoyed being able to write about and receive comments about our story.
Macbeth and I have been married for 15 years, and have jokingly talked about opening our relationship for years. We only began the conversation seriously about three weeks ago. Since doing so, our communication has improved one thousand fold and has made an already rock solid relationship better. Not that there haven't been lots of emotional roller coaster trips in the last three weeks. We've both cried more than we ever have in our entire lives.
One of the most wonderful things for me has been that I finally felt safe enough to tell Macbeth some secrets from my past. Without going into detail, 10 years ago I engaged in infidelity. I had never told him, although had spent three years in intensive psychotherapy to work through and to decide if I should ever tell him. I had decided not to, because I felt it could only cause him pain and while I might feel better "coming clean," he wouldn't. He had all of the emotions one would appropriately expect, and was able to eventually express gratitude that I could finally tell him, and he agreed that he wouldn't have been able to work through it at any other time in our relationship. I also was able to tell him things he had done to hurt me, and we have never been closer.
We had to explore whether or not it was time to actually pursue others given my disclosure. We have decided to pursue but to take it slowly, since we both recognize that "ethical" nonmonogamy will be corrective for both of us, and help us both be true to who we are.
So, about my boyfriend...we met while in a play together. Macbeth and I have been in the theatre since we met 17 years ago. He and I were both in a production of Little Women, but did not play romantic opposites. I shared a love story (playing the role of Meg) with the person who is now my bf. This was long prior to our discussion of opening our relationship. I had closed off feelings of attraction or affection with my bf, I am certain due to the "dangers" of the Brad/Angelina issues with playing opposite someone romantically. Macbeth was also playing a romantic opposite with someone else.
Shortly after the serious discussions began, my eyes opened to my bf, and I realized that what I felt was attraction in addition to great friendship. Actually, during our first conversation (Macbeth and myself) we listed all the people we know and who me might be interested in, and the bf was not on my list. I immediately informed Macbeth of my attraction. There are complications given a great deal of social involvement and a pre-existing friendship between Macbeth and the bf. In fact, the bf worked in the identical position at the local television station immediately following Macbeth leaving the job. We discussed taking it slow with the bf, not knowing how he would respond.
The bf and I had spent a great deal of time together both backstage, on-stage, and with play-dates (our daughters are good friends.) I suggested we watch a movie (at his home) together and to wait for an opening. Later, we went to the Goodwill (we're both treasure hunters) and had a great time with a good opening in which he commented "it's so great that your husband is comfortable with you spending time alone with me." I stated, "he's comfortable with a lot of things." I then mentioned we have an open relationship. Things moved forward from there and the bf confessed to having a long secret "crush," that he had believed was "obvious" to everyone in our social circle. In fact, he had been nervous that my husband would corner him during a social event to tell him to "stop looking at my wife." He confessed to actually ending a dating relationship because he couldn't stop thinking about me. All extremely flattering.
Things have progressed from there to regular jogging (something Macbeth can't do because of his knees) and some lovely kissing and holding. I've decided to wait for any further progression until we've resolved jealousy, guilt, and other issues.
Then, onto the scene, Macbeth has a few prospects! I've felt the need to hold in some of my own NRE. Now that Macbeth has some NRE going, we are both absolutely excited! Macbeth has called my "other" a boyfriend now. We are planning on going to the local mani/pedi shop to get extra cute, and even have done a little shopping for each other. It is unspeakably fun. He just joined OKCupid and asked me to look through the matches for him, which I found fun and erotic.
We'll be posting updates as they come...my bf is coming home from a long weekend trip to Seattle. As we speak Macbeth is in a wonderful IM session with a prospect, and I can't wait to see how things unfold.
Thanks for reading!
I didn't realize that LM had already started a blog over here, but for those who are interested and didn't see it, there is an update in this thread!
Musings after a few months!
I had a birthday on September 16, and realized it was the most wonderful birthday I have had because I feel a new truth in my life. The first couple of months in our poly lifestyle had many of the normal ups and downs I've heard described repeatedly while reading these forums. Macbeth struggled with jealousy and envy related to the deepening relationship with my boyfriend, he struggled with finding someone and had envy of my closeness with my boyfriend.
I often felt ready to throw in the towel. Macbeth continually told me he was accepting of the relationship developing, but whenever he had difficult emotions I felt the need to rescue.
On my birthday he gave me the most beautiful gift I could imagine. A charm bracelet with three charms, one representing him, one me, one my boyfriend. He reminded me that any time I might doubt his acceptance, I could touch these charms and know this is the lifestyle we both want.
Only a mere week after this difficulty, Macbeth made a nice connection, and is now seeing two other women. Both relationships are developing nicely, and my relationship with my secondary is deepening daily. Many thanks for the wisdom shared on these forums.
Thanks to both of you for sharing your experiences so far.
Thought I'd give an update on where I'm at, as well.
Things are definitely going well for me. As LM said, I have met two nice women, and have made good connections with both of them. There is a bit of an imbalance in one of them, but that's mainly due to the fact that she's not truly poly. I enjoy spending time with her, but I don't believe I'm as 'in to her' as she is to me.
The second one is a completely different story. We had quite a bit of online communication, and met for the first time about a week ago. All I can say is . . . OMG! The connection was almost instantaneous, and very, VERY strong. We've seen each other three times since then, and while we've both commented on how we feel like we should be thinking it's moving fast, it really doesn't feel that way. The emotional, mental, and physical connection is almost mind-blowing. Plus, she's genuinely poly, which is a nice thing. I would say that she is just what I needed to put the last piece in place and make my poly transformation complete.
Of course, I'm worried now that my other friend, who has stated that she doesn't want to know about anyone else I may be seeing, is going to make continued and increasing demands on my time. I think a talk is most likely coming soon, and that doesn't sound fun to me.
There are some folks who might think that "polyamory" is just another way of distancing oneself from an existing marriage or "committed" relationship in preparation of transitioning out of that relationship.
Maybe your girlfriend thinks that if she holds out long enough, you'll leave your wife and other GF's to be with her only.
Just my thoughts. You seem to have a good grasp on things.
Well, time for an update.
First off, this new relationship is going very, very well. Her name is Jacqui, and we've both been blind-sided by the strength of our connection. Part of it is NRE, but we've it's definitely very, very intense. Those double adjectives? Showing up a lot . . . :)
The only drawback right now is that her boyfriend is a little uncomfortable with the speed at which the relationship is progressing. See, today is two weeks since we met in person, and we've already been out six times. Due to his comfort level, we've put some fairly strict parameters on our interactions. This is, I believe, a good and respectful thing, but it also carries a great deal of frustration and uncertainty. I met him for the first time the other night, and we got on well, so I think things are really moving forward. I'll post more on that as it progresses.
The other relationship? Not so good. In fact, I just broke up with her about 20 minutes ago. Without going into too much detail, it was expected by both, but not a happy or welcome experience. I think I was respectful and controlled, even in the face of what I felt were unfounded accusations. I knew it was coming however, and I'll now be able to give more attention to my wife and my new girlfriend. Basically, everyone I'm involved with now will be able to get the respect they deserve, and I won't feel like I'm stringing someone along. Still sucks, though.
Anyway, that's the relationship front for me. I'll definitely bring more news as it comes along!
Thanks for the update! I'm glad you are moving forward and embracing the positives of change where others may focus on the negatives. Very cool example for all of us :)
Thanks, Mono! The positive is definitely the fun part, and what I want to talk about.
And, as long as I'm here, how about an update?
Things are going basically really good. My girlfriend came down to see the show I'm performing in for a second time this weekend, and her boyfriend actually came down to see it, too. This is actually a big step for him, since he's having some issues, do to some problems in previous relationships.
Those problems have led to some tighter parameters in our relationship. Things are loosening up a bit, and she and I are really, REALLY enjoying our time together in spite of all the things that are currently off-limits. We'll be having our first sleep-over (even with said parameters still mostly in place) next weekend, while Lady M and her boyfriend are on their first out of town trip.
The really cool thing about my lady coming down here was that she got to meet my friends. Since we're not out to them yet, it made for some interesting (and fun) challenges. What I quickly realized was that I don't care if people find out. I'm not going to shove anything in anyone's face, or flaunt anything, but there's bound to be questions when my friend from Portland comes down with her boyfriend to see my show, and then he heads back home (to a date, which we didn't mention) while she goes out to karaoke with our group, including my wife. Then, when my wife heads home to make sure our daughter was okay in bed (and then to visit HER boyfriend, which we also didn't mention ;-)), leaving me with my girlfriend, whom I have to drive back home later. No questions yet, but lots of considering looks. Nothing that was disapproving, but I'm waiting . . . :-)
Of course, it was a little frustrating when I realized that every one in our little circle of relationships was having sex that night EXCEPT us. Oh, well. It was still fun, and secrets can be pretty exciting!
Well, it's been a little while. Quite frankly, I haven't been in the mood to post any updates for over a month or so. Things are looking up, though!
It's been a roller coaster ride for the last 6 weeks or so. After finally having restrictions lifted on our relationship, starting with a wonderful trip to the coast, thing were starting to settle into a nice groove.
Unfortunately, they didn't seem to be for J's bf. He was experiencing serious jealousy, which he said was a very new experience for him. They were actually on the verge of breaking up, and really struggling. I was having a REALLY hard time with his attitude and actions, and found myself going places that I had never wanted to go (i.e. wishing they would just end it . . .) We finally arranged a time to sit down and discuss things, and figure out how we could give them the freedom to work on the issues in their relationship without completely destroying the wonderful relationship that we were having.
So, we met on a Monday afternoon. For about 11 hours. O.M.F.G. Such a long meeting, with many good and not so good things coming from it. Ultimately, we ended up with a 2-week 'monogamy vacation' for them to work on their issues, followed by a 'trial date' to see if he could handle the time, with the option of more time apart if necessary. Since they were both going to be out of town (separately) through Christmas for about 10 days, we decided to have the two weeks start on Jan 1. The big thing for me is that he agreed that if this time was to work on their relationship, he shouldn't be seeing his other girlfriend during this time either. Yes, seems like a no brainer, but that's another issue.
So, fast forward through a very long few weeks. We had our first 'trial' date on Monday. We only had 5 hours, their house is off limits, and no 'naked time'. I understand, and quite frankly at this point I'm willing to work with it if it gets us back to a natural relationship status sooner and helps to preserve something important to her. We went to a movie, and sat and talked for a long time. Very nice time of reconnection, and felt so good to actually see her again. She was feeling pretty confident that we'd be able to go back to regular lunch dates on our Monday date days, without the need for additional 2 week breaks.
On Tuesday I hear from her that her bf is feeling really comfortable with our relationship, and we're going to step things up a bit and have 10 hours next Monday. The house is still off-limits, but they are apparently discussing the other limitations.
While this is not how I had envisioned this relationship evolving, I'm fairly pleased with the progress I've seen from him, and the change is perspective he seems to be showing in this process. I'm getting more hopeful, and am willing to give him the chance to feel out the issues he's having in steps. Seeing this kind of progress much faster than I had anticipated helps a lot, too.
I'll try to bring more info as I have it.
And, as I've been known to say recently: "Relationships are hard . . ."
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