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-   -   Need advice! To not be a hypocrite or to not hurt? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=70085)

Operafairy 05-31-2014 07:21 PM

Need advice! To not be a hypocrite or to not hurt?
I've been having problems with my partner in not being a hypocrite myself, but also not being hurt by his actions.
We both are sexually open with others, but I feel greater attachment in sexual relations than he does, yet when I become sexual with others outside of my relationship, while thrilling at the time, I feel that over time it's caused me to become emotionally detached in sex- thus bringing this detachment to my partner as well.
When I'm not feeling horny, I feel emotional and sappy and only want to be with him. When I'm away from him and with someone else and feeling horny, I feel completely OK and like it's not a big deal, won't hurt our relationship, etc. He is completely fine with me doing this and it turns him on, so I do it.
But unless I'm in my horny state and with someone else at the same time as him, if he has sex with another person I feel very sad and lonely. I only feel okay if I have someone else with me at the time to distract me from what he's doing, and I also never really want to hear about his experience. And YET, if he actually does tell me when we're having sex, I get so turned on- way more that usual! The difference is that he wants to hear about my sex with others ALL THE TIME. He encourages it, it turns him on, and he wants videos, pics, stories, everything! He just loves it! I wish I could be that way.
What is this sick contradiction going on with me?
One moment I'm so sad and depressed and detaching from him or angry at him for being with someone else, the next moment it excites me, and I never ever am able to find a middle ground and feel consistent all the time.
I also fear that if I let us go on with our current open sexual state, I'll become even more and more emotionally detached from sex. Or, is that how it's supposed to be? Am I just too sensitive?
I feel horrible because there's no way he can keep up with my feelings,
Obviously. And neither can I. So I always end up getting hurt and wanting to put up walls. And we've tried to just close our relationship, but it never works out because we are both just too damn kinky and turned on by having sex with others, and don't want to stop (including myself, but only when I'm horny!)
Also, and most importantly probably, is that intellectually speaking and idealistically, I never want to be possessive over my partner because I love him and want him to be happy and free. I also think it makes us boring old people. I don't ever want to be like an old married couple that does the same thing every day, never grows or challenges themselves or meets new people or has exciting experiences. I just don't want to feel sad all the time. I want my ideals and goals to match up with these feelings that it seems I just can't control.

GalaGirl 05-31-2014 09:08 PM

Well... Could you elaborate ?

What do you think to yourself when lonely? Do you enjoy time on your own? Are you ok being different than him or struggle wanting to be same? What do you guys do before he leaves to be with his other partner? When he gets back? Is it a steady partner or a new one each time? Is it at night or in the day? A few hours or days? Stuff like that.

Perhaps articulating the details could help you see or narrow down the things to work on.


london 05-31-2014 09:08 PM

Maybe you'd have less of these negative feelings if you could set firmer boundaries about how you interact with others. It sounds to me as if you are more polysexual than polyamorous although you do enjoy connecting with people in other aspects.

You can absolutely live a monogamish lifestyle without it being about possessing another person. It's just about having a partner that is happy to have those boundaries in their relationship and from what you've said about your partner having less attachment to the other people he has sex with, I think he will probably be fine with that and also be able to keep to those boundaries without changing how he has been doing things thus far.

I think if you could be more certain that you're not going to end up in a full on polyamorous situation, you'd be able to enjoy things like sharing explicit details more often as well as anything else you like about having a non monogamous relationship.

Polyamory isn't the pinnacle of ethical non monogamy, it's just one variant.

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