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-   -   Don't know what to do w/her (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7006)

Inst119 02-21-2011 03:12 AM

Don't know what to do w/her
 
Wondering if anyone has faced something similar; if so, let me know how you fixed it / improved things.

Background:
Probably a bad idea, but started dating my gf after her relationship ended (3 yrs or so), dating long distance w/ the promise to correct that problem (she promised to come here). She told me she was "open minded" when I told her I was bi. Soon I told her about my complicated (relationship of sorts) with my bf. It grew into a relationship, been together 6 yrs now. Been with the girl for 2. About a 6 mo-1 yr, she started having trouble. Yeah, my bf did stupid **** like sending her rude e-mails and ims, and coming over when I was on the phone with her. I would hang up on her to avoid issues with him, but I stopped that long ago. She heard us having sex once when I missed hanging up by mistake and seems traumatized by it. For a long time she cut, but says she doesn't do that now. I've felt a lot of distance between us, by both her emotionalness and her refusal to come here (she says she has anxiety which I have trouble believing; I waited for her to get done with her college degree, and she's still living at home under her parents' thumbs).

She says I don't listen to her problems with this. I was lead to believe she was fine with things, but apparently that was a lie. She says she tried to tolerate it, but I don't see her tolerating anything because she complains about having to share so much. It's in nearly every conversation we have. I have tried to be understanding, but there is only so much I can take. She is always asking me how to deal with it and I don't know what to tell her except to be happy for me. She frustrates me to death and I often take out my anger on her, then she cries and we're back to square one. She started cutting herself sometime during the first year, to "deal with it" when I would leave to be with him or he would come over. She seems believable about the reasons.

He's far worse. He calls her names behind her back, blocked her out of all social networks (I had encouraged them to be friends), and generally has a bad attitude. I don't talk to him about her anymore, not that he was ever reasonable to begin with. He lied and used her, and I seriously believe he likes being the "other woman" but feels like I am going to replace him with her. It's not like that (I require both) but he remains unreasonable. He threatens to leave when she finally moves for good. He encourages me to date other women all the time, offering to get phone numbers for me, but for some reason hates her. An ex-friend of mine recently told her that he planned to do her physical harm when she got here. He denies this and says she betrayed him etc..... I have made time for both, however, with my busy schedule and limited time.

I have a connection with both of them, love both of them. I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. I still want to marry her, if the situation permits (he says he'll leave if I do, understandably). He wouldn't stay if he didn't have some level of care for me. (She says he stays because I pay his phone bill and take care of his pets, but eh. I know he cares for me.) I have given up on getting them to get along. I just don't get what I want there. She says she tried, he says she went after something not hers (though she didn't know about him in the beginning, she still stayed).

redpepper 02-21-2011 07:12 AM

Well it seems that neither of them are very in tune with themselves or have high self esteem. I think some of this is on their shoulders to deal with. You don't get a free ride as its you that needs to show them you love and care for them and get your act together about making sure you don't cross boundaries like not hanging the phone up. That is just sloppy. Sloppy leads to crap. As you have noticed.

It's not okay to put stuff on other people. You may need to take a long hard look at building your communication skills... do a search for NVC on line and read about compassionate communications or non-violent communication. All of you would benefit from this it sounds like. Maybe find a course in your area or do some technique building with your loves.

It sounds like you have some hard work ahead and perhaps looking after yourself a bit more would help. You sounds as if you are being manipulated to all hell from one person and then the other. Their job is to work on their shit, not yours. Being present when you are their is your job and them being able to take care of their own lives is theirs. At least that is what I think anyway... frankly I would dump them both and work on myself at this point. It sounds like you have some self stuff to sort out that you just don't have time for. I mean REALLY work on it though, not just move on. Otherwise you next relationships will be just the same.

Good luck. :)

Inst119 02-21-2011 07:27 AM

I see why you think the guy needs to be dumped...and about the manipulation there.

I don't understand why you think that the girl should be. I see her as the real relationship, and the guy as causing problems because he knows that I won't leave him...so his antics continue, against me and against her. Sigh. It's just a matter of time before he leaves. Right now he is getting his phone fully paid for (not that I have the extra money) and his pets fully taken care of (on top of everything I have to do), and steals my grocery money to "help me out" by sneaking in cds and dvds for himself, then shows up to crash my time with her. I don't know what I'm holding onto.

I guess it's more a case of not wanting to break up with him, and letting it take out on her since she's been such a doormat for me in the past...and I have admittedly taken advantage (it's getting better though).

I would hate to let her go, but I'm sure she would wait for me and come back to me.


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