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-   -   The monsters name is jealousy... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=70043)

Lovewithus 05-26-2014 02:07 AM

The monsters name is jealousy...
 
let me start off by saying I'm very new to this. I grew up like most people being told but the dream is to find that special someone, marry them, have kids and grow old together. Only one problem with that... I found that special someone and she found a special someone. Needless to say its not me, but I guess that's my mind thinking an old ways. I guess what I'm really saying here is my dream girl, the woman I love and long for fell in love with a friend she went on a once in a lifetime road trip with. As the story is usually go, girl and guy meet, girl and guy don't see each other for a while, girl goes to a wedding that he's going to that's in the middle of the desert, they end of spending a week under the stars, inebriated on life and booze.now me and her are not anything official. In fact she works with me at the company I run. its a creative company, not your typical business. Even the work doesn't actually feel like work. we spend everyday changing people's lives. this guy works for a coffee and chocolate shop. Should be a no contest right? Now I hate this part of me is in me. I don't dislike the guy, if anything I respect him. He got the one woman in Chicagowho everybody wants to tell him she loves him. He can't be all that bad. Now she's never told me directly that she loves me, but quoting Shakespeare cleaning my place when I'm away, the fact that because of her I'm vegan now because of that we share a lot more in common deeper than just two people who like the same food. I know she cares. But when we're together she text him, they send a little video send pictures. He lights off her world the way she lights up mine. I know there's several reasons why my relationship, and she'd be annoyed if I use that word around her, and his relationship with her, again she be annoyed even about that, is very different. Hers is based on an adventure, a vacation, a wedding, the easy stuff. Mind based on working with people, creating things, and yes job. Funny thing is I'm here and he's 2000 miles away. Yet I can't make her feel the same way he makes her feel with a text message. She told me there is no second place, that me and him a very different people and thus way she loves us is very different too. I've never thought about being in a situation like this except in fantasy, or maybe when I was writing a script, or a song. I never thought that it would really mean to love someone and not have 100 of their love back.I know this is who she is, and that's one of the reasons that I love her so much, her endless heart.I'll end with this, not even sure if anyone will actually read this or respond. I realize that me not having somebody else in my picture is probably what makes this so hard. In the same right I found the girl of my dreams so anyone else, as of right now, feels like settling.I don't want to be jealous of the guy, I want to be happy when she does things without me. I know when she goes on a trip next, it'll be to see him. I need to figure out how to be okay with that, because the alternative is not an option in my mind. Not having her, not loving her, it's like a human trying to fly without any help. Gravity, like the love I have for her, has a hold on me. I don't know that I'll ever let go. But I do know one thing, I'm here, when things get tough, when the rent is due, when there's no food her place, when she needs to cry because she misses him. I'm here, just wish you didn't feel like I was the one 2 thousand miles away.

Marcus 05-26-2014 02:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268149)
As the story is usually go, girl and guy meet, girl and guy don't see each other for a while, girl goes to a wedding that he's going to that's in the middle of the desert, they end of spending a week under the stars, inebriated on life and booze.now me and her are not anything official.

So you and she were dating, she went to a wedding and shagged an old friend, and now you aren't dating anymore?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268149)
In fact she works with me at the company I run. its a creative company, not your typical business. Even the work doesn't actually feel like work. we spend everyday changing people's lives. this guy works for a coffee and chocolate shop. Should be a no contest right?

Why? What's wrong with coffee and chocolate?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268149)
Yet I can't make her feel the same way he makes her feel with a text message.

If you made her feel the way he made her feel, that would make you... him. People have different dynamics with each person they interact with, which is a good thing. This competitive approach to dealing with her will likely continue to produce results that you don't like.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268149)
I never thought that it would really mean to love someone and not have 100 of their love back.

Using "love" as your indicator is going to be a tough experiment to measure. What exactly does this "love" solution look like? How would one measure it to determine if they were getting 99.99% versus getting 100%?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268149)
I realize that me not having somebody else in my picture is probably what makes this so hard.

I'm thinking this isn't the problem you are having. You have some interesting expectations and view of how romantic relationships ought to work... I expect taking a good long look at that will get you further than getting another person involved in this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268149)
I don't want to be jealous of the guy, I want to be happy when she does things without me. I know when she goes on a trip next, it'll be to see him. I need to figure out how to be okay with that

Jealousy is very common and there is a cubic ton of information out there (and on this site) on the topic.

Try This One as a starting point. Then do the search function. Then do a search on Google for articles.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268149)
because the alternative is not an option in my mind. Not having her, not loving her, it's like a human trying to fly without any help. Gravity, like the love I have for her, has a hold on me. I don't know that I'll ever let go.

Whatever works for you, I guess. Do you find that putting this kind of universe sized pressure on your great and epic love of profound and ultimate proportions is entirely helpful? It sounds like you might be tied up in a bit of puppy love for this girl, and while that isn't a bad thing in and of itself it does make rational thought process a bit more challenging.

Lovewithus 05-26-2014 04:03 AM

Not gonna lie... Feel pretty attacked here for trying to understand new feelings and a new life style... No we are open. Care and love for each other but don't own one another...


My point of the chocolate thing was I help her. I've done things from my heart, art, written songs... And he puts chocolate on a plate and she almost cries...


I agree. I don't want her to love me the way she loves him. But whether she means to or not she appreciates him much more than me who's here.


I really hope this whole community isn't so aggressive... Was really hoping for guidance, not to be shamed.

Marcus 05-26-2014 04:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268154)
Not gonna lie... Feel pretty attacked here for trying to understand new feelings and a new life style...
I really hope this whole community isn't so aggressive... Was really hoping for guidance, not to be shamed.

All you got out of my response is that you think I'm trying to shame you?

That's an unfortunate filter to have up and it might make growing past your assumptions difficult for you.

That was also not aggressive or shaming, just one adult having a conversation with another (I presume) adult. Hang in there man, take a deep breath.

KerryRen 05-26-2014 04:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268154)
Not gonna lie... Feel pretty attacked here for trying to understand new feelings and a new life style... No we are open. Care and love for each other but don't own one another...

That attitude plays with mono as well as poly. It's not necessarily an indication of an open relationship, or a poly one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268154)
My point of the chocolate thing was I help her. I've done things from my heart, art, written songs... And he puts chocolate on a plate and she almost cries...

Different feelings, different chemistries, different expectations. I've been with my husband for 14 years. In the beginning, he made romantic gestures of small jewelry and flowers, and while it was sweet, it did not do much for me. He's learned over the years I prefer more practical things, like watching the kids for a time so I can sleep.

Things are new with Jai. We're still feeling our way, emotionally. So I would probably be more touched by such small gestures from him that did little or nothing from Liam earlier.

Doing things from your heart is nice. But she's not going to be able to read your heart. She knows, however, what makes her happy. Do you know what makes her happy? That's where I'd focus your efforts.

But don't be competitive about it. That's not appealing or attractive, especially in poly situations. If you'd actually prefer a mono situation, come out and say it, don't try to win her away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268154)
I agree. I don't want her to love me the way she loves him. But whether she means to or not she appreciates him much more than me who's here.

So, you're feeling taken for granted? This is something perhaps you should talk to her about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268154)
I really hope this whole community isn't so aggressive... Was really hoping for guidance, not to be shamed.

I don't think anyone was trying to shame you. Attitudes of all sorts get questioned here, and it's not a bad thing to do. If you know why you feel something, you are more able to do something about it.

Lovewithus 05-26-2014 04:30 AM

Ty, and yes, of course I would love to have mono, but it's more because it's all I know, less about wanting to own her.

I'm in the midst of self discovery. I'm on my journey and trying to find my way.

Growing pains leave me a Lil irritated easily. I'm working on it.

Ty all for your help so far. That last post specifically. It's what I needed to hear.

KerryRen 05-26-2014 04:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268157)
Ty, and yes, of course I would love to have mono, but it's more because it's all I know, less about wanting to own her.

This is the second time you've brought up the "owning" another person concept. You've done it on your own, without provocation from anyone. This reads as an... interesting attitude about relationships. One that you may be trying to repudiate, but one that I'd say that goes deep if it comes up when you think "monogamy". Why is it there?

Except in some unusual situations, most of us get raised on the mono concept. For a lot of people, it works for them. It feels natural. It is the way they want their life to be. It is not, however, about owning another person (except, again, in unusual situations).

If you want mono, pursue it as such. Otherwise you're going to come across as a cowboy, or a poacher. Neither are good.

Mind you, you can be mono in a poly situation. Lots of people do it, at least from observing relationship and relationships structure posted here. But you need to get comfortable with sharing; you need to handle your own jealousy; and you will, particularly, want to get your relationships explicit and out in the open.

Right now, if I've read you right, she isn't claiming relationship status with you or him. You've placed her as a hinge in a V she may not even be aware of, or willing to do. To hinge well, one should know that one is doing it, so as to balance the needs and desires of the others.

Go talk to her. It's scary, I'm sure. You are afraid of losing her. But right now, you don't necessarily have her. I dated a guy once; after a few dates he and his other friends considered me his girlfriend. Not a hideous thing... but I need to be asked. So I broke it off. Assumptions can be a killer.

GalaGirl 05-26-2014 05:04 AM

I'm sorry you struggle. It sounds like she isn't dating either of you exclusively. Not entirely sure that you have a "V" thing here.

Could either of these help?

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/p.../jealousy.html

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Hopefully that helps some with the emotional management. You could talk to her about what you might need -- for her NOT to text when on a date with you? Reassurance? Something else? What is your need?

Could also take a step back from that issue and look at the bigger picture.
  • If the shape you like best to relate in is a monoamorous/monogamous structure where you get 100% of a person's romantic attention?
  • If being in this feels like "settling" to you?
  • If you struggle to be here mainly because you have decided you don't like the idea of breaking up?
  • If you think having someone else would make this easier?

It begins to sound like you are grinding against your own grain. You both have different relating styles. Could it be easier for you to let this one go, be friends, and then date someone who is more compatible? Someone who wants a monoamorous/monogamous structure?

Galagirl

Lovewithus 05-26-2014 04:33 PM

OK I obviously started this thread off way to emotionally and not enough facts...


The ownership thing came from her. She uses that terminology all the time. "I don't own him. He doesn't own me."

She also said she loves him, loves me but isn't in love with anyone nor does this mean she can't be in love with one or both of us at some point.

She's made her self the hinge. She told me after the fact, a month after actually that she started loving him after their trip. But after a long talk told me nothing has to change between us.


I agree. I can't compete. I'm not trying to. I'm trying to make up for a month of uncomfortable silence and distance she created by hiding that she found someone who she loved and vice versa I was dealing with emotions but not about another living person. Was dealing with a death I should of faced a year ago.

I guess what I'm looking for here is this.
I'm new to the idea that you can love more than one person in a romantic way. I'm new to the idea that love and passion for another person is a person to person basis. I'm waiting to learn this way, expand my mind and thought process about love. I have a large heart and my love language is quality time. I'm literally relearning to love someone who has a very different way of showing love.


Idk, I hope this was more clear. I'm not looking for pity or to be over analyze... Just looking for a place to come when I'm needing help wrapping my head around some basic things (or it seems) to the people in this community.


I'll add one last thing. Me and this guy don't speak but both know about each other. Is that normal and does that line ever get crossed?

Marcus 05-26-2014 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268182)
She also said she loves him, loves me but isn't in love with anyone nor does this mean she can't be in love with one or both of us at some point.

Do you know exactly what that means?

It sounds like you are very comfortable having conversations on this kind of level but, are you clear on what information is actually being exchanged? I ask that because I have exactly no idea what was just said. "love" but not "in love" is so vague as to be counter productive.

If you aren't clear on what is actually being said then I suggest moving toward more concrete concepts like "how much time will we spend together" and "how much information will we share about each others lives"... love is pretty but it's not exactly descriptive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268182)
I'm new to the idea that you can love more than one person in a romantic way. I'm new to the idea that love and passion for another person is a person to person basis. I'm waiting to learn this way, expand my mind and thought process about love.

Check out Compersion, it is the word many of us use to describe feeling good about our partner experiencing joy with other partners.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268182)
I have a large heart and my love language is quality time. I'm literally relearning to love someone who has a very different way of showing love.

As I said before, love is quite simply not enough. This feeling of love is great (and torturous) but it isn't what makes relationships last in a healthy way. Common interests, compatible worldviews, compatible love languages, personality chemistry... these are things which make or break a relationship as they are concrete ideas which actually exist. Love is a catch-all phrase used to imprecisely encapsulate a range of hormonal responses and social assumptions.

She seems fiercely independent, which may or may not blend well with someone who has a high need for quality time. I had a recent relationship with a person who needed a great deal of reassurance and quality time but I (not unlike your gf) am not interested in communicating that way. I did my time, spent the energy I thought I needed to, but it made me totally miserable and just built resentment. At this point in my life if I discover I'm getting involved with someone who needs that from me I simply need to break it off.

I'm not trying to be a bummer, but this deck is really stacked against you getting what you want.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lovewithus (Post 268182)
Me and this guy don't speak but both know about each other. Is that normal and does that line ever get crossed?

Everyone does it differently. If you want that line to be crossed give him a call, if you don't then let it stay where it's at. Personally I prefer to let a metamour (this other guy is an example of your metamour) relationship develop or not as it organically seems to want to.


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