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-   -   Excited/confused husband after hearing wife's poly interest. Help! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69984)

Tweiser 05-15-2014 02:43 PM

Excited/confused husband after hearing wife's poly interest. Help!
Hello everyone! So I am here to learn and explore this lifestyle, and hopefully get some input from you all on what and why my wife is seeking a polyamorous marriage, and if it's right for us. She just brought this up last week, and now I can't stop thinking about it. I have been struggling with the idea at times, but also it gets me very excited. I guess I'm most confused because of the fact she was so NOT accepting of my recent coming out as a closeted crossdresser. I told her because I felt like I didn't want to hide it anymore, and didn't want to keep a secret from her. We ended up going to therapy, and all has been ok, but I am still very scarred from the way she initially reacted to my coming out. She made me feel like a weirdo, and couldn't understand why I wanted to shave/dress etc. So, now that she has brought this up, I am excited, but almost mad in a way because I could be so accepting, when she wasn't. She is trying harD to turn over a new leaf, and try to accept everyone and everything, even if she doesn't like it. Does anyone understand where I'm coming from here, and why I'm a little confused and hurt? I didn't tell her I wanted to have others in my life, just that I want to put some panties on once in a while and feel pretty.

I am excited that maybe I could find someone that enjoys my kink, as well as having my standard relationship with my wife. She actually said she though that would be a great idea for me, and she wouldn't judge at all. I've really liked the idea of having someone who enjoys/accepts that part of me in my life as long as we are open and honest about everything. This is all so exciting, but I have to keep my guard up, as it seems so surprising that she wants this....thanks for listening everyone, and I hope to get some advice/input on all this stuff....I feel kind of alone, and am so glad there is a place to express my concerns and excitement as well.

Ps..ever since we had this conversation, she has been fantastic, assuring me she loves me and she has really put to rest the thought in my head that this is all about her. Maybe it is good for us both! Thnx again everyone!

kdt26417 05-16-2014 01:58 AM

Greetings Tweiser,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It does seem odd that your wife is interested in polyamory, when she is so conservative in other areas (e.g. cross-dressing), and I can understand why you'd be a little hurt that she wants you to accept "her kink" when she wouldn't accept "your kink." Still, it seems like she's being more supportive now, in the sense of encouraging you to find an additional partner who'll appreciate your interests more in that area.

I see no reason to put your guard up at this early stage, but do lots of communicating with your wife, and lots of reading on Polyamory.com's various threads and boards. Post any thoughts, questions, or concerns that you'd like to, and ping your threads with new posts sometimes if they get lost in the shuffle. I'm in the habit of following the intro threads, so whatever you post in this thread, I'll see it and can respond as needed.

Polyamory is an exciting new prospect for just about anyone. So many of us were raised with the "certainty" that monogamy is the only way things could ever be. Thanks the gods that turns out to be not necessarily true!

I'm glad you could join us, and hope you enjoy your stay.
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)


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nycindie 05-22-2014 06:20 AM

Hello and welcome!

I think you two need to communicate further about this. My first thought in reading your post is that it is probably your kink/fetish that prompted her to think about and consider polyamory. If she was turned off by your cross-dressing and reacted negatively to it, perhaps she feels that she can't give you the kind of understanding and encouragement you seek, and that each of you should be able to create relationships with others in which your particular proclivities will be supported.

If, for example, she imagines that you might want her to be with you to buy lingerie, help you get dressed up, and so on, and she doesn't want to take part in any of that, nor even think about you wearing slips and panties, and would prefer to be with someone who would never ever want to cross-dress, yet knowing she loves you, she might either be trying to find a way for both of you to have supportive companions - or it could be an exit strategy. You need to dig deep and be totally honest with each other, and talk about her underlying motivation and whether or not your relationship is strong enough not only for poly, but also for your needs for cross-dressing to be satisfied and accepted. I also recommend the book 'Journey of the Heart' by John Welwood.

Some couples take a year or more of soul-searching and deeply honest discussions about poly before they are ready to actually start having ther relationships. Strengthen your bond and connection with her, your communications, and take things slowly, and I am sure there will be the possibility that it can work out for both of you!

PolyinPractice 05-22-2014 09:42 PM

I get that you feel a little hurt and confused by this....but...here's a thought for you:

Has it occurred to you that perhaps her talk of poly was actually motivated, in part, by your telling her about your desire to cross dress? I mean, it's a bit funny that she told you about this so soon after the cross dressing confession. And kind of hypocritical on the surface. So, ask yourself, is she usually a hypocrite? Is this normal for her? Because I'm guessing there's a good chance there's a simpler explanation; than trying to analyze what's making her veer off course from normal behavior. Perhaps she truly cannot accept your cross dressing (perhaps can tolerate, but not really embrace it). Maybe this is her way, in a sort of practical gesture, for you to find someone to embrace the kink side of you? Certainly, she has jumped onboard with the idea. I think it might be a very sweet thing of her, to want to solve the problem by allowing you an opportunity to be with someone who naturally gets the kink side of you, knowing she can't really help fulfill you with those desires.

In other words, give her the benefit of the doubt, and appreciate her for this new gift :)

Tweiser 05-23-2014 01:42 PM

Thanks guys!!
Thank you so much everyone for your insight and support! I think the general feel is that maybe this is a huge blessing that this could all lead to me having a relationship outside of ours with someone that enjoys this other side of me. The whole though of it all really excites me. She has said that she accepts my other side, but doesn't want to be my "mentor" when it comes to all that...she wants a man. I am fine with, and happy with having both sides. Now, the only issue is my concerns with her finding another partner, and eventually taking it to the next level...sexually. I'm a little scared about all of that. I have mentioned it to her, and she keeps telling me it's not about the sex....but I know it would definitely get there eventually. I mentioned early on that I would be ok for her to have a female partner, and she said she understood that...but then also mentioned that maybe that went against the whole idea of polyamory...having limitations and jealousy. I think I would agree to having a relationship with another male if she gave me the same limitations as far as the sex of the other partner in the relationship. At this time I think she doesn't want a triad...but I want to keep that option open for sure.

This has all been so crazy, but interestingly enough, has really strengthened our relationship lately. More love is floating around than ever!!! This is really an amazing turn of events. Thank you all so much for listening to me!!!!!!

opalescent 05-23-2014 07:37 PM

Your comment about your wife wanting a man made me sad. You're still a man. I know several cross dressers who think of themselves as straight men - they just like wearing dresses and such.

Now I do get she may not want to help you along your cross dressing journey. That can be asking a lot of someone who just isn't interested in that. It sounds like she is moving along to support you as best she can right now. It may not be the whole hearted 'yay, let's get you some dresses and nylons!' but she seems to be trying. As hard as it can be to learn a loved one just isn't into something that is important to us, this is good progress.

If you and she go down this path, you are going to have to wrap your head around and accept that your wife may see other people. It's normal to have some misgivings and jealousy about it. Poly does not mean jealousy never happens. But it does mean that jealousy *by itself* is not a good reason to forbid someone else from living their life as they see fit. Your wife may have sex with other people and it is entirely possible that she may fall in love with someone else.

And you may fall in love. It's unclear to me what seeing someone who accepts your crossdressing would be for you. Perhaps you don't know exactly yet which makes sense. This is all new. But think about what that may be like - what would you want? From a fellow kinkster, someone with similar or compatible kinks is very helpful but not sufficient for a relationship. Maybe you don't want a romantic relationship? That is ok too. But give some serious thought to what you may want, what you may need. Are you looking for a cross dressing mentor? Friends who cross dress together and go to events? Someone who finds you sexually attractive while cross dressed?

And if you haven't yet, join Fetlife. It's free. There are cross dressing groups on Fet, and you can find local kinksters in your area. When you set up your profile, certainly mention cross dressing as an important part of your life. But try to look like a well rounded person too. There are too many profiles of folks on Fet who appear to be only about their particular fetish. For example, they are all about feet, their photos are only about feet, their group memberships are only feet related, their personal description is only about feet and what they want to do to feet. There is nothing about them as a person. Profiles like that are often perceived to be looking for others solely to be a 'fetish delivery system'. This can be very off putting, even for people with that same kink. Just an FYI.

Tweiser 05-24-2014 01:17 PM

It is a crazy thought to think she could call in love with someone else...but what's wrong with loving/being loved by a lot of people? I think in my case, I would love to find someone who is attracted sexually to my female side, and treat me/mold me into their submissive girlfriend. I would love to have both sides to life...being loved as a man/husband, and being loved as a female as well. Ever since she brought this all to the table, I have been so excited to possibly find someone who wants and enjoys my other side. My wife has been very open to discussions lately, and it has been brought up that I see myself with only women, and that's her. That said, I think the ideal partner for me is a male. I was shocked when she wasn't put off by this. I think he ultimate for me would be to be loved and cared for like a real woman is..by a man. The whole idea excites me to a level I can't describe. If I could have that, and have my wife and I as my male self, it would be perfect!

I am excited to try out fetlife and see what happens. Thank you all so much!

opalescent 05-27-2014 04:08 PM


I'm asking out of curiosity and I understand you are new on your journey and may not have answers to my questions yet.

What is cross dressing for you? Is it the chance to present as a woman? Do you think you might be along a transgendered spectrum? As I mentioned, I've met a few male crossdressers who think of themselves as male, most as straight but who enjoy the sensation of women's clothing. And I've met other cross dressers who tend to be into cross dressing as a way to experience being 'feminine', being more 'womanly'. While in those clothes, they prefer to be treated as a woman. I've met folks who don't have a set gender (or genders) and are more fluid in how they experience and present gender. I know of people who consider themselves bi-gendered - they express male or female sides of themselves in various ways. There are so many ways people experience and create gender presentations.

A gentle caution. Be careful about language like 'real woman'. Femininity is not the same as 'woman'. For example, I've always considered myself very female. I've never seriously questioned my gender identity as a woman, as female.

But I am terrible at all the things that make up 'femininity'. I hate dresses. I don't wear makeup and would put out an eye if I ever attempted to put on mascara by myself. I have great trouble putting together outfits. I infinitely perfer to be comfortable than wear heels. I can wear heels - I know how - but I just don't enjoy them. Hosiery puzzles and confuses me. I'm terrible at hosting, don't care about decorating. I can cook but generally it is not a fun activity for me. I am nurturing but in in ways that are not 'motherly' or otherwise gendered. I am a terrible failure at those set of things we tend to associate with traditional feminine behaviours and expectations. And I am totally ok with that. I've met quite a few men who are so much better at being feminine than I can manage. Some were drag queens, some cross dressed, some were gay or bisexual, some were transgendered, and others presented as stereotypical men but were just *better* at all those things.

But I am still female, and consider myself a woman. And it's not just because I happened to be born with the socially appropriate body to be female. Although, honestly, that helps immensely. Female, for me, is this whole constellation of behaviors, clothing, thoughts, ideas, experiences - some of which line up with social standards and some of which don't. I'm still real. I urge you to think about language, about what is 'real' and how that can exclude folks who just don't fit those categories.

And you know what - you are 'real' too!

I'm not saying you are transgendered or should consider yourself as such. Cross dressing and the many ways to be transgendered are not automatically the same. You are on a great journey and I, for one, am excited for you. Lots to explore and learn!

Tweiser 05-30-2014 07:11 PM

Thanks you opal, you are right, I do need to be more selective with the words I use. I think for me, I am more on the crossdresser side, as I don't hate my male side like so many transgendered individuals. I enjoy myself as a male, but love feeling feminine, playing dress up, and seeing how feminine I can look.i also just love feeling smooth, and dislike the look of body hair on myself. I guess what I meant when I said I wanted to be treated like a "real woman", is I want to be treated like a lady, not a man dressed up as a girl. I want to be pushed and guided by someone who enjoys that kind of relationship. I feel I am super submissive when my female side is out. This is one of the reasons a poly relationship might work for us. My wife loves hairy, masculine men, and wants that. She also wants me to feel comfortable and happy in my own skin as we'll. I'm still wondering about how jealousy will affect this....but ever since we have started talking about this, we have been closer than ever, and having the most sex we have had in years. It's been great, and I hope it doesn't end anytime soon! Is it bad if I only want her to have a girlfriend? I think I would be ok with bringing another man into our lives as a tripod, but I would want to be en femme during times spent with the other partner. I'm not sure how I would/could deal with her being with another man without me. Thanks again for commenting and helping me through this exciting time in our lives.

Ps, she is so happy that I took the initiative to start this thread. She loved reading all I have said, as well as everyone's comments.

Magdlyn 05-30-2014 09:41 PM

So you want to be a submissive. It sounds like "pushed and guided" means you'd like a lover/mentor/Dom who will participate in "forced feminity" with you. I also highly recommend you join Fetlife to learn how to express your fetish. Warning, though, there are a lot more subs than Doms out there, so it might take a while for your dream to come true.

If you and your wife want to practice polyamory, which means being open to loving others, this is the correct board for you. If you just want a play partner who gets off on seeing you in women's clothes, you might not really be or want to practice polyamory.

I take it you are both bi? If you both freely agree you are seeking a man, and she is seeking a female lover, well and good. However once you open your marriage, there is a possibility she could fall for a man, and you could fall for a woman. One never knows. Yes, it can make you feel jealous in advance, but jealousy is a common emotion to work through when one is poly. And it's not easy. So, take your time learning the ropes.

I know it's very exciting, emotionally and sexually, to think of having a partner to play with while you are in girly mode. But there is fantasy, and then there is reality.

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