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-   -   Question: In poly-mono relationships.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6995)

dingedheart 02-20-2011 05:48 PM

Question: In poly-mono relationships....
 
Do the poly members of a poly mono relationship find comfort in and like the fact that their partner or partners are mono? Or would it be much easier if they (the mono's ) where also poly with multi-partner relationships? There has been talk about the specialness of being the one an only from the mono point of view... but do you (poly's) actually feel "special" in that way ...if not ..it has no value... Meaning if some is giving you his/her full focus, attention,etc... if that's not needed and or appreciated it has no real value in fact it could be burdensome. And in fact everyone being on the same page may make things a lot easier. I think I may have to shift and start thinking and acting more Poly. Thanks D

redpepper 02-20-2011 08:10 PM

I feel special. Who wouldn't when someone is willing and is able to love just me only. I'm the queen of my castle. Who wouldn't like that.

It's a dichotomy though as I am a queen in a cage. I have a kingdom, yet I am trapped in it. I know this, feel this, struggle with it... perhaps your wife does too in her own way.

For the moment I am enjoying the fruit of this kingdom. One day is far away at the moment and there is no happily ever after tomorrow. This is my happily ever after. Every moment and the one after it... tomorrow is not in the equation right now in terms of my relationship life anyway ;)

In a nut shell, Mono's love is needed, appreciated and of great value to me. I have healed because of him and that continues. That holds huge value to me... it is a great gift.

What I would wonder of those that are in a similar situation to me what the value of staying in a mono poly relationship would be. If you can't find a gift in it that is valuable, then why continue on... ?

LovingRadiance 02-20-2011 10:44 PM

I find that I do feel special and find it indearing that GG is mono.
I find the idea of Maca having another woman and myself being friends with her very special and endearing also....

I think it's really a matter of circumstanct and choice.

IF GG were poly-I would find it endearing and special to be able to be friends with his "oso"....

I guess-I just choose to find it special and endearing either way.

:confused:

BlackUnicorn 02-21-2011 09:17 AM

In my very young and inexperienced mind, I would feel constant insecurity in a relationship with a mono. Am I meeting their needs? Are they just hanging on and settling, hoping that one day I come around and give them my full attention? Are they getting sexually and emotionally what they signed up for, or are we all just kidding ourselves?

jasminegld 02-21-2011 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 67416)
I guess-I just choose to find it special and endearing either way.

This is totally cool. This is real love.

Jasmine

LovingRadiance 02-21-2011 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 67490)
In my very young and inexperienced mind, I would feel constant insecurity in a relationship with a mono. Am I meeting their needs? Are they just hanging on and settling, hoping that one day I come around and give them my full attention? Are they getting sexually and emotionally what they signed up for, or are we all just kidding ourselves?

I think this is the type of statement that could be very helpful to others who are mono, finding themselves in relationships with people who are poly. To understand that insecurity isn't just something that they struggle with, but that their existence as "monos" also creates insecurity for the other person. JUST like their poly lover existing as "poly" creates insecurity for them.

Does that make sense?
I just feel like this quote should be repeated somewhere more... "visible"-insetad of lost within this small discussion. I think it may be a key for many who are struggling.... and aren't on this thread...

nycindie 02-21-2011 07:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 67558)
Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn (Post 67490)
Am I meeting their needs? Are they just hanging on and settling, hoping that one day I come around and give them my full attention? Are they getting sexually and emotionally what they signed up for, or are we all just kidding ourselves?

I think this is the type of statement that could be very helpful to others who are mono, finding themselves in relationships with people who are poly. To understand that insecurity isn't just something that they struggle with, but that their existence as "monos" also creates insecurity for the other person. JUST like their poly lover existing as "poly" creates insecurity for them.

I think these are actually questions that can come up in any relationship, be it poly, mono, whatever. Anyone who cares about how they're treating someone else might ask themselves these questions.

These are the issues Shorty grapples with in relation to his limited time and unavailability to be with me, although I've told him repeatedly I'm fine with our casual relationship. He knows I want to be poly, that I'm dating and seeing other people, but still fears that the kind of intimate friendship he wants (with no big commitment to be serious or monogamous) hurts me or is unfair to me in some way. He struggles and feels guilty, thinking that he doesn't give me enough, because he's got so many obligations that take up his time. He's afraid that I am just saying I'm okay with our arrangement yet really waiting to someday "turn him around" (as he put it) into someone who can commit more, like a full-time boyfriend or partner (as in the monogamous model). Apparently women have done that number on him before. I tell him I don't expect more from him than what he gives me now, other than better communication, but he still feels this way.

So, perhaps we might ask ourselves these questions out of looking back at the past and not being fully present to see what is.

dingedheart 02-23-2011 03:40 PM

redpepper thanks for your thoughts.

I was just wondering if things would be easier. "who wouldn't like it" ya I get that but I guess what I was thinking was... is it something you cherish and like/love enough to not want that to change. Or the benefit of everyone being on the same footing would have equal and perhaps better offsetting benefits.

In a hypothetical exercise how would you see your situation if mono had 1 or 2 fully poly relationships such as your own? I'm sure you have explored this in your head once or twice. Better worse or just different. How so?

In your long history with in this lifestyle have you ever encouraged one of your partners to have other partners as to bring equality and harmony in the relationship??

The gilded cage mentality I think is troubling, I think you might want to reframe this in some way... add to it that the cage door is always open and that you can always fly through it... .. maybe that would feel a little better.

I'm not seeing it for my wife exactly.... I'm interested as to how you see this... you could be right.


LR
I'm not completely confident about your story or history.... when you decided to take this journey did the three of you discuss the parameters? Was there a time lag with everyone finding comfort zone? How long have you been doing this?

redpepper 02-23-2011 05:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 67857)
In a hypothetical exercise how would you see your situation if mono had 1 or 2 fully poly relationships such as your own? I'm sure you have explored this in your head once or twice. Better worse or just different. How so?

In your long history with in this lifestyle have you ever encouraged one of your partners to have other partners as to bring equality and harmony in the relationship??

The gilded cage mentality I think is troubling, I think you might want to reframe this in some way... add to it that the cage door is always open and that you can always fly through it... .. maybe that would feel a little better.

The only part of Mono having other loves other than me that would be to my benefit would be his understanding of what the hell is going on for me as a poly person. He doesn't get it on a very core level.

I think largely because he puts everything into everything he does. Home renos, his bike, me, our family, anything that Mono does has got his full attention. Creating time for another might work if he is able to focus on me and then focus on another in between times, but he loves me all the time and finding time to love another while keeping that in the background would just not work. I can see that with him. He is very attentive with his affection and love... it is constant and strong... he shows it by calling me several times a day, emailing, texting, sending me stuff on email. When we are home he hovers over me and wants to know what I am doing... what we are doing. He helps out with what I do. He touches me all the time when we are together and asks for kisses... :)

Only occasionally does he and I sit in a room together and not be close. Usually because he has a "project" going on... right now its to get bike tires... before that it was the door between the suites. Because I maintain my separateness from him in my head (I don't know how to explain that), that time I use for myself more. Sometimes I ask for time to myself, but he will still be on the other side of the house. He is very respectful of my space and encourages it. He would be inches away from me all the time if he could. ;) Ya, no way to fit another love in there. HA! :D

Ya, I think that would be very "different." His attentiveness makes him really good at being a military man btw.

I have, with past partners, been completely co-dependent. Done everything with them to the point where I was unable to do anything on my own. My ex wife and I were like this. PN and I are not. He does his own thing and I often don't know what is going on for him. I am fine with that as we have good boundaries and check in often.

PN has had other loves in his life. Two men and two women to date. He is not with anyone right now and doesn't intend to be. He has decided right now that he is poly in his heart but crap at it in execution. He gets lost in NRE and is not able to multi task at the best of times. He gets going on something to the detriment of other things a lot of the time. Focus on one thing seems to work best for him.

Mono gave me a door when he said that he would be willing to explore what it might be like for me to add Leo as someone I am intimately close with. That to me is the door. I am not interested in going through it at the moment. Something changed in me just knowing it is there. All I wanted was a door, and I got one... well two as he built one at the same time ;) hm, interesting to think about actually. What is behind that.. if anything?

Thanks for the suggestion of a door... I hadn't thought on that before. Very helpful :)

LovingRadiance 02-24-2011 01:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 67857)
LR
I'm not completely confident about your story or history.... when you decided to take this journey did the three of you discuss the parameters? Was there a time lag with everyone finding comfort zone? How long have you been doing this?

Nope. I was a nightmare (trainwreck anybody?). I had an ongoing long term (YEARS) affair with my best friend.

September 2009 I learned about polyamory. In tears I faced the fact that what I was doing was fighting myself, I was trying to pretend to be that which I never was (devoted to only one). I confessed to my husband (maca) and told him that I would completely understand if he chose to leave and if that was his choice, I would do whatever was in my power to make things easier for him (and our children). I explained who I was, what I needed in order to be real and left him be to process the information.

He got shitfaced drunk and passed out.

Later that week he told me that he didn't want to leave, but wasn't sure he could remain in a relationship with me now that he knew the truth about who I was. We agreed to give it 6 months.

FYI-GG, the man I had the affair with and am still dating, has lived with us for 9 years and has been a key player in raising all of our children, including my 19 year old, whom he's been helping raise for 18 years.

In the interim year there have been MANY discussions about parameters, and they've changed numerous times. Sometimes back and forth (more freedom/less freedom) as we figure out what does or doesn't work for each of us.

I would say that at this point in terms of the three of us, we've all found a comfort zone, but only in the last few months.

As for in terms of polyamory in general, GG is not poly. He is mono and uninterested in pursuing any other romantic relationships.

Maca thinks he may be poly, but this experience has brought about an awareness of many personal issues on all of our parts that need work. In Maca's case, some of those personal issues impact his abillity to productively manage his own life, much less our relationship and therefore are a trainwreck regarding any new relationships.

That hasn't stopped him trying to pursue other relationships, but it has meant that they haven't gotten far. There is a woman who he believes that he loves, she's a wonderful, beautiful woman and I totally adore her. But, at this time, there is just too much "stuff" to deal with for them to really get further than friends+ a little hugging and kissing occasionally.


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