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-   -   mono/poly ... just beginning... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69833)

heartdoodler 04-28-2014 09:42 PM

mono/poly ... just beginning...
I won't go into all of the details. I never even considered myself Poly. I fell in love with two men, who offer me greatly what I need in my life. I am selfish, I want both of them. We were all mono. Now, I am asking them to be in a Poly'ish (I guess), life with me. They don't have to meet. They don't have to know each other. But, I do want to be honest with them. I do not want to sneak around, or consider myself cheating on the other.

Jason says he can do it one minute, because he loves me so dearly and wants to be with me. Then, the next minute he says if I love him, I wouldn't ask and would just be with him. I don't love him enough he says. Then we talk, and we talk, and he says he loves me and wants to be with me, and will try to see if this can work.

Michael, just doesn't want to hear about Jason. Wants to pretend he does not exist. Michael needs much less time together to feel loved, so most of my time is spent with Jason. Michael is fine with that, but hates the thought of knowing where I am when I am not with him.

I don't know if this will work. I don't know what I am doing. Does this stand a chance? People who aren't even Poly... even the "Hinge" Is that what I am? Does this stand a chance?

I have a friend who is Poly (first time I had ever heard of such a thing!)... and he suggested I get informed and stop saying I'm not Poly. That regardless of what I am, I am trying to have an honest relationship with two different men. Am I crazy?

KC43 04-28-2014 10:48 PM

You aren't crazy. I went through the same thing, recognizing that there was a name for how I feel and that it really was okay for me to be in love with both Hubby and Guy. Each of them brings different things to the table in our relationships, and now that I've been in this situation for a little while, I can't imagine going back to being monogamous.

Kudos to you for being honest, with yourself and with your guys, and for taking the time to learn more about polyamory and yourself.

That said, it sounds like your men aren't necessarily on board with the situation. Someone saying "If you loved me you wouldn't do this" is being a little bit pushy at best. Someone telling you he hates knowing where you are when you aren't with him, obviously has some problems with your other relationship.

Can something like this work? Yes, but only if everyone is in agreement. As Hubby says, it's a "three yes system." All three of you need to agree on *how* it will work, on how to cope with jealousy, on how to arrange your time so each man is getting what they consider their fair share (which doesn't mean they get the same amount of time, necessarily; it just means they each get an amount of time they consider to be fair to them.)

Maybe it will just take some time for Michael and Jason to get used to essentially sharing you. Or maybe they are both completely monogamous and won't be able to wrap their heads around the situation. Either way, the one big piece of advice I'll give you is COMMUNICATE. You're kind of stumbling into this, from what you're saying, and that means you and your guys may not have completely set ground rules yet. It's good to establish some boundaries and plans, in my opinion, while keeping in mind that they aren't set in stone and can be changed if need be.

To be perfectly honest--and again, this is just my opinion--based on what you say about each man's reaction, I would say this might *not* work. It sounds like each of them is trying to have you to himself, and is hoping eventually that will happen. Of course, I could always be wrong.

heartdoodler 04-29-2014 01:43 AM


Originally Posted by KC43 (Post 265945)
To be perfectly honest--and again, this is just my opinion--based on what you say about each man's reaction, I would say this might *not* work. It sounds like each of them is trying to have you to himself, and is hoping eventually that will happen. Of course, I could always be wrong.

I am just going into this blind. I know they were even more blindsided than me! So, I don't know if it will work. I am just giving them kudos for even attempting to try this with me. To see if I can be happy with them, and them happy sharing me. I want to communicate, but I don't want to communicate TOO much if it makes the other unhappy. I know people here think it is perfectly normal, and any guy not wanting to share me is obviously not open to who I am or what I need... but, in my world, this is not "normal" and it definitely takes some adjusting and getting used to. Figuring out the ground rules, without talking too much and making someone uncomfortable or unhappy.

Jason told two of his friends today. They told him to run for the hills and that I am obviously crazy, selfish, hypocrite (as I don't want an open relationship and wouldn't want Jason to get a girlfriend)... he told me he was scared. We held each other and agreed to try our best to work through this. We are all going into this blind. I will do my best.

nycindie 04-29-2014 03:24 AM


Originally Posted by heartdoodler (Post 265965)
. . . I don't want an open relationship and wouldn't want Jason to get a girlfriend . . .

Aah, well, that isn't very nice of you. If you can have two loves, why can't he? Having a partner who is monogamous to you only works if it is their choice, but it should never be a demand or expectation on your part if you have other partner(s). Not playing fair, hon!

GalaGirl 04-29-2014 04:06 AM

You are not crazy for wanting to build something honest here.

Keep being honest. About what you want, what you hope to build. These are your preferences, these are the kinds of open models you want to practice, etc.

Each can state their preferences, wants, needs, limits. All can negotiate, and all can decide if they want to participate or not for themselves. If it lines up, great. If not, you all accept that is is not a runner here. Not very person you date will be a runner.

Maybe these could help?





Hang in there.


JaneQSmythe 04-29-2014 04:48 AM

A lot of people here have "fallen" into polyamory because they found that they were in love with more than one and didn't want to choose. So you are not alone in your confusion! :) Most of us live in a monogamous society so many folks find that they don't even question it until they a.) learn about it or b.) find themselves in a situation like yours - and begin to question "why monogamy?"


Originally Posted by heartdoodler (Post 265965)
Jason told two of his friends today. They told him to run for the hills and that I am obviously crazy, selfish, hypocrite (as I don't want an open relationship and wouldn't want Jason to get a girlfriend)... he told me he was scared. We held each other and agreed to try our best to work through this. We are all going into this blind. I will do my best.

I don't think you are crazy or selfish. You have feelings for two people and want to share yourself with both of them. I understand you are scared - who wouldn't be?

However, I DO think it would be hypocritical to ask your partner to share you if you are not willing to do the same. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Now, if he has no interest in another woman - or man - then it is not an issue. But if he asks "How would you feel if I had another girlfriend?" Then that is a perfectly valid question. How can you ask someone to do something that you are not willing to do yourself?

Having said that - I don't necessarily think that you all should be aiming to add more people to the mix until everything settles (or doesn't) into the new normal. Adding more strain to the situation that is already tense is not a good idea. What about "let's see how this goes for 3 months with the players already in the game...if everything is moving along well then the the boys can start looking for an OSO (Other Significant Other) if they desire"?

friskyone4u 04-29-2014 01:32 PM

First, congratulations for trying to be honest. That being said, you are correct in saying you are going into this blind. You are involved with two guys who most likely have no clue what poly or any other form of non monogamy is, and if their thought process is like 95% of the male population, that is not likely to change without a lot of discussion and hard times and bumps. My guess is from what you are saying, they both will get to the point where they have had enough. The links that Gala Girl sent you are surely helpful, but only if they WANT to be helped in trying to understand. There is a big difference in understanding than just tolerating the situation for now.

I don't know why you want to attach a label, poly or any other label to yourself. If you are not attached with a legal document, you could say you are "playing the field" and leave it at that. Millions of people date and are intimate with multiple partners without the label.

You have feeling for both of them, that is great. But you want everything on your terms. Not only do you want them to share you, you do not want to share them with other women. So you are asking for it all. Even if they agree to continue, they stay mono and you have both to yourself.

I am sure you will find someone on here who can give you a success story with that kind one sided arrangement if that is what you want to hear, but I would not bet on your success in accomplishing that on top of convincing them to
share you on an ongoing basis unless THEY both choose to bemono on their own.

Bluebird 04-29-2014 02:38 PM

I am the hinge of a vee between two monogamous men. I do not, however, require them to be monogamous. At the current time, I did ask that neither of them go in search of another partner, as we are in the process of moving my boyfriend in with us, and the strain of adding another person into our poly math would be too stressful. That said, neither of them want to date anyone else, so it's kind of a moot point anyway. Right now, or in the future, they both say I am all they want. If that changes, I guess we will have discussions. :)

You are being terribly selfish and basically telling these guys that you don't trust them to take the same care that you do, in your relationship. They might end up being ok with it, but I dunno. I can't lie and say I am excited about the idea of either of my guys dating someone, but I wouldn't tell them they aren't allowed. They're adults and I trust that they would take my needs into account and who ever they were with wouldn't infringe on those needs. I believe they are capable of balance, just as I am.

I went into my relationship 9 years ago with my husband, believing we would be monogamous together, but when I decided to explore poly, it was with his encouragement. I do not think we would be doing well if he was hoping that I would turn back and only want him. Your situation does not sound ideal at all. Unfortunately, it is what it is, huh? I would not be surprised if one or both of these guys bail on you. This doesn't mean that poly isn't for you, it just means poly isn't for them.

WhatToDo 04-29-2014 02:54 PM

I do not consider myself Poly. I happened to fall for a woman who was married and despite wanting to be in an "open relationship" I found myself just wanting to be with her. Now she's not to keen on the thought of me dating anybody else but understands that if I ever wanted to it would be open for discussion.

I guess your guys have to figure out for themselves whether they can deal with sharing you. As for you as a hinge you have to go into it knowing that it is a lot of work on your part. You're trying to satisfy and maintain two completely different people and relationships.

heartdoodler 04-29-2014 03:01 PM

...the selfish me...
For all intents and purposes... I still see myself as mono. Fine, I don't have to put a label on it, as obviously, I am not mono. I am in love with two men, and asking them both to have a relationship with me. Am I poly? I guess. Do I relate to the open-mindedness obviously of the poly community, where all is fair in love and war, and good for the goose and all? I don't relate to that. I just don't. I am spinning here. I know I am asking for a monogamous relationship with each. Selfish, yes. Absolutely. It's just in my mind and what I am used to. I don't expect you to understand, guess I am more venting than anything because I am at a loss as to how I got in this situation.

Do I want to share? Well, there is so much back story to my actual story, that landed me here... Especially with Michael, and that I as one woman was too much for him, putting to much pressure on being with him, that I would certainly get upset if all of a sudden, he could handle two. I guess, in a way, I am doing this for him? I want to be with him, but I know that my number one love language is touch... number two time. Those are not his, and was just putting too much pressure on him. I found Jason, to get over Michael. Fell in love and still found myself in love with Michael.

So, if anyone may get another female, I could certainly understand Jason wanting that in the future. He says he does not now, and is not looking. I would have to deal with it when/if it ever happens. Michael doing so? No, I don't see myself ever accepting a situation with him like that... Fine, I am selfish. I am not perfect. Look at me, obviously I am not perfect. My family would totally flip on me if they knew about this! They love Jason... very much dislike Michael. I am hiding my relationship with Michael.

It is what it is. Yes, I am struggling. I am here, hoping to make sense of all of this chaos... mess. But, I have accepted that it is what it is. Will it last? I do not know. Jason says he loves me with everything he is and is in it for the long-haul. Michael, is getting the little time that he had wanted, and just doesn't want to label it anything or think about my other life. Can it work like that? I don't know. I am honest with them both, and they know what is going on. They know where I am when I am not with them. I keep in constant communication with both, even when I am with the other. The rules are only, in my head... to try and contribute to both of their happiness, as much as I possibly can...

Call me selfish, hypocrite, whatever you like... I do not know the rules. I am just a human, trying to get through this one day at a time. One minute at a time.

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