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-   -   Foray into a new world (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69832)

sparelightbulb 04-28-2014 09:33 PM

Foray into a new world
 
Hey Everybody,

We've posted this on a few forums, still no luck.

We're a couple in their 20s looking for a third female player. We've been talking about this for quite a while, and it's a major fantasy for both of us. What we're looking for isn't a swan dive into something new, instead we'd like someone to date and hang out with, and hopefully blossom that into where we're at as a couple. We've been together for 5 years, and we pretty much know we're going to be together forever.

This idea is something she definitely wants and requested, and for him is a turn on and wants to see her pleased. Both of us want in on the action.

We have never experienced anything like this, even through our college years.

We have no idea where to start, so we did probably what everyone does at first - craigslist. We had contacted one person, and it didn't pan out. We still look but only do it mostly for practice/ideas of what people expect. We recently celebrated our 5 year anniversary in Minneapolis, and while we were there decided to try a strip club. We ABSOLUTELY loved it. We know for sure this is something we want, but are completely new and have no idea what to do.
While we know this is a Swingers website, we decided to post here for advice. We have so pretty up front specifications - 21-30 years old, not in a relationship, someone who wants to date, 420 friendly (we are, but don't need it for a good time), disease free, and willing to let this grow into a relationship. Since this is a Swingers website, we know that most everyone on here are married or a couple. We're just looking for advice.

Above all, like everyone, we don't want ANYONE we know to know this about us, so discretion is the biggest factor. We figured this was the safest place to start, where anonymity would be accepted.

Thanks for reading, we hope this works out.

P.S. Our moniker is nothing special, just a passing comment while trying to find a discreet name.

london 04-28-2014 09:42 PM

Please read.

Inyourendo 04-28-2014 10:10 PM

Why would you think this is a swingers site?

sparelightbulb 04-28-2014 10:32 PM

Well 1st of all, apparently we are so naive to this idea that we come off as quite ignorant, to the point of disgust. This is the third website we have visited, and thought a single message with our intent would work best, so it's a copy paste, but we had assumed Poly=Swingers.

Secondly, wow. Thanks for posting that article, although to be honest it was quite disheartening to read. A lot of things on their should be obvious thoughts, but we hadn't even considered them and only thought them obvious after we read them.

We are pretty open people. When we say discretion, we would think being out in public is ok, the major threat to our security being work (which at the moment would be hard to affect) and family life. Both of our families are absolutely against anything like this, and while we aren't trying to sound like kiss-asses, we feel that being open would not hurt just us, but the third too.

On that note, everything in that article is relevant. We can definitely see how our first post would come across like that, and we'd like to thank you for being respectful and compassionate. We in no way want to offend anyone or turn anyone off, and we absolutely respect other people's thoughts and beliefs, and to be honest, we'd like it to reciprocate.

Finding someone may not be a long term thing for us. We don't know how it feels, but we do know we want to try.

The most important thing I can say here is that we are not doing this to fill a void or enhance our relationship. We are absolutely comfortable with ourselves, and recognize that a third is a human too, with human emotions that more than likely will differ from ours. Since we are new, we'd handle situations up front and be honest immediately.

To end, we are still quite interested, but pretty bummed out about our chances. Thank you very much for the advice and information, and any more you can give.

opalescent 04-28-2014 11:10 PM

Unicorn hunting is not impossible, just really hard and full of traps that are not at all obvious. The thing about privilege (couple and otherwise) is that we are not generally conscious of having it. It's not possible to get rid of privilege but usually becoming more aware and acting accordingly goes a long way.

And, honestly, kudos to you two. Most people who get that article first off get rather pissy. It speaks well to both of you that you were able to read it and get something out of it instead of shutting down entirely. This is hopeful as poly ideally does require some mental agility and the ability to handle criticism.

I suggest noodling about here, reading about unicorns and couples. Search for tags like unicorn, couple privilege, couples, thirds, V, triads, etc. If you happen to be kinky (and not saying you have to be or that it is expected), Fetlife.com has some helpful groups about poly too.

Some poly people *hate* being called swingers. Some swingers just as strongly resent being called poly. It is entirely possible to be both at the same time. It is entirely possible that poly folks have casual sex with no emotional attachment or swingers have long time attachments to another couple that is a relationship in all but name. The labels bleed into each other, while not being the same thing.

So welcome, and good luck!

P.S. A final thought - you may want to have handles for each of you if both of you expect to use the forum. Again, not required but it's nice to know who is 'speaking'.

nycindie 04-29-2014 03:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 265951)
P.S. A final thought - you may want to have handles for each of you if both of you expect to use the forum. Again, not required but it's nice to know who is 'speaking'.

Actually, it is stated in the Guidelines that it is preferred that each person in a couple or group register separately and post as themselves rather than under one username and always saying we this and we that. But no one ever takes the time to read the Guidelines before joining or posting, alas.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparelightbulb (Post 265941)
. . . we had assumed Poly=Swingers.

Why? In what contexct had you heard of polyamory that led you to believe it is the same thing as swinging, when one is focused on sport sex and the other on having multiple loving relationships?

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparelightbulb (Post 265928)
Above all, like everyone, we don't want ANYONE we know to know this about us, so discretion is the biggest factor. We figured this was the safest place to start, where anonymity would be accepted.

Not everyone here is in the closet, btw. Many are, but many poly people are out and quite visible about their many loves. Never assume that everyone lives polyamorously in the same way. There is a lot more variety in polyamory than there is in swinging, that's for sure.

sparelightbulb 04-29-2014 04:15 AM

Thanks opalascent for the positive feedback. We're brand new, although that only goes a short way. We're learning the ropes and will definitely peruse the forums.

Thanks nycindie for the negative feedback. Part of what made us nervous was the hypocrisy and negativity we might face. We're glad we prepared for that. Maybe we should just send all of our posts to you before we thread them to make sure they meet your approval first.

nycindie 04-29-2014 04:20 AM

What negative feedback? :confused:

I am genuinely curious about how you heard about poly and in what context, that you thought it was the same as swinging. They are pretty different from each other, as I pointed out, but lots of people hear the term "polyamory" and think of "polygamy" first - and when you're on the poly side of the ethical monogamy coin, it seems really odd that anyone would confuse or conflate the two. So I was just asking how you learned of it. Simple question!

Anything else I wrote was meant to inform and take part in the conversation. No negativity directed your way, so I really don't know how you are taking it that way. I'm a Moderator, so I mentioned the Guidelines (which you can find here: User Guidelines) in response to what Opalescent said. And I mentioned that lots of poly people are not hiding in secret, and that there is a lot of variety to how people live poly, much more than in swinging. How is any of that negative?

<shrug>

Dagferi 04-29-2014 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparelightbulb (Post 265928)
While we know this is a Swingers website, we decided to post here for advice. We have so pretty up front specifications - 21-30 years old, not in a relationship, someone who wants to date, 420 friendly (we are, but don't need it for a good time), disease free, and willing to let this grow into a relationship. Since this is a Swingers website, we know that most everyone on here are married or a couple. We're just looking for advice.

Above all, like everyone, we don't want ANYONE we know to know this about us, so discretion is the biggest factor. We figured this was the safest place to start, where anonymity would be accepted.

NO this is NOT a swingers website. I DO NOT have casual sex. I am married to two men. One for 13 years the other for 2 years. I am highly committed to both men. I have homes with both. Financial commitments with both. Raising children and family events with both.

I am out to the world. My second husband Murf deserves to be more than a secret. He is an extremely important person in my life. I know I wouldn't tolerate being treated like a sex object.

Think you need to Google couple privilege and do a bit more research.

AlbertaRaven 04-29-2014 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 265951)
Unicorn hunting is not impossible, just really hard and full of traps that are not at all obvious. The thing about privilege (couple and otherwise) is that we are not generally conscious of having it. It's not possible to get rid of privilege but usually becoming more aware and acting accordingly goes a long way.

Welcome!

I was the unicorn for a couple relatively new to poly. I agree with opalescent that such things are possible but extremely difficult. Before actively looking for yours I'd suggest reading as much as possible and practicing your good communication skills. I'd also recommend dating as individuals because a triad is four relationships in one. There are three individual relationships happening in there. And if you haven't tried dating outside the marriage before, the surprises that will happen will be made much more complex because of the nature of triads.

I'd be curious to know whether you've discussed dating as individuals? I am kind of assuming (probably unfairly) that one of the reasons a triad is attractive to you is because you think that jealousy can't happen if you're both dating the same person. But it can, because there are individual relationships within a triad.


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