Renaissance of Realizations
I am no stranger to these boards, although in some ways I feel brand new as I stepped away for some time for a period of reflection. I have learned so much from everyone's stories over the past couple of years and have so much respect for people's experiences and hard won wisdom.
I have been ethically non-monogamous since I was in my teens. I have never identified with monogamy as a fundamental philosophy although I have participated in it for periods of time when a partner desired it. I have been a part of Vs, Ns, triads, dyads and quads. I have created some epic disasters through my blunders, learned an incredible amount about myself and others, and been part of some beautiful successes; 'tis the nature of all relationships and love stories, I suppose.
I largely exist in a cerebral world, and find my emotional life confusing and overwhelming on the whole. I come from a family of intelligent, creative, unique and hardworking people; my legacy is to put forward an image of success and happiness no matter what one's internal world may contain or the private shit storm that might be happening in our lives. There was never much time for emotional matters in my household, and I fell in line with an unhealthy way of handling negative emotions. I have witnessed my family deal with their weaker sides with a great deal of secrecy and shame, and there is a certain lack of acceptance, and fear of exposure of our shadow selves.
The last year of my life has been a reformation of this truth; an opening of a deeper sense of self realization and a rebirth of self as a woman who is more in tune with her feelings and truth than ever before. It has been an awakening that I never could have anticipated being so uncomfortable or difficult. It has also been an absolute and utter relief to put down the burdens of constantly striving for perfection, and to find an internal forgiveness and gentleness in seeing myself as a more unified, beautifully imperfect human being.
Pseudonym time.... Along for this journey is my honest, honorable and gentle male partner Daith, (Irish for beloved) and my loving female partner, Viveka (Sanskrit for discernment/wisdom). Both have been incredibly supportive and accepting of me during my chrysalis, and stand resolutely beside me as I step into this integrated sense of self. To say that I love them is an almost perverse understatement. Our relationships are based in total honesty, integrity, openness and respect. Consensual, conscious non-monogamy with a gooey center of real admiration and devotion. I am pretty damn blessed. Viveka has two other partners. Daith is monogamous. I date other women occasionally as both of my partners live some distance away, but it is rather casual at present.
I am nothing if not into fearless self inventory and evolution; I am devoted to finding wholeness after some recent and present tumultuous and challenging times in my life. I currently work weekly with a feelings and narrative based counselor as well as another that will be working with me bi-monthly from a cognitive behavioral perspective. I also work with a life coach that helps me reach personal goals and integrate the truths that surface inside of me into a more whole vision of self. I journal, read and meditate, and am an avid hiker, trail and road runner. I am a successful, confident and capable woman in all things external and believe in making a difference in the world around me. I am very grateful for the life that I have built for myself and do not take my life or my loves for granted.
Traversing mountains is such a perfect metaphor for life. The anticipation, the push and strain of moving through space and time to reach incredible peaks, the descent to a sense of satiation and wholeness. The challenge and burn of things at times, and the unbelievable perspective when you get to the top. Cereb and I drive to my place and sink our teeth into dinner, and talk over a movie.
I am excited to get my gardens going for the year; Daith built me these exquisite wooden pyramid planters in his friend's wood shop and my handyman will be bringing in a truckload of soil to fill them with. I cannot wait to invest in, harvest and share the bounty with those I love. Got all my shit done today, so the whole weekend stretches out with friends, hikes, walks, fires, cooking meals together, dates, and a birthday celebration on Sunday night for an ex-lover.
Had a solid life coaching session this morning. We talked about the relief that comes from seeing yourself as a whole, the beauty in acceptance of your biggest fears and worked on some recent challenges for me that are way outside of my realm of influence/control. Working with a life coach is so different than counselling; it's about the integration of everything that you've learned and is very goal and result orientated. I tell her that it's like she takes the swarm of bees and puts them all back in the hive in the order they're mean to be in. She's been in my life as a teacher and guider for over two years, and I'm super grateful for her wisdom and guidance. We talk about our mutual struggles with the concept of control, and the beauty that exists in relinquishing it.
Viveka and I texted a lot today about bravery in the face of shaming and judgement. God I am lucky to have this woman in my life - she is the epitome of support and solidarity. We've grown so close over the last little while; saw her through a challenging time with her primary recently and it was nice to be able to return her kindness and compassion for her during that time. I fully support and invest in their partnership, and was fully present for her process. It was kind of awesome. I like the rhythm of her and I and love watching the friendship and respect between her and Daith as well.
My weekend has been a date sandwich already - one yesterday night, one tomorrow night, both with the same woman. Our worlds have been brushing up against each other for almost seven years and we have connected/collided into each other with quite a force. Not sure where it will head but we will be solid friends regardless. I am up front and open about my life and lifestyle, and of my attraction to her and was pleasantly surprised to find out that she has had experience in the same realms as me, and has also had me in her sights. Date on Monday with a woman I have been seeing for about three months; still relatively casual but the whole thing has this kind of sweet connection and innocence to it that I really enjoy.
Context and perspective.
I've been thinking a lot about the concept of context and perspective as of late. The idea that looking at anything through a certain perspective isolates you from a certain level of understanding. I think about some of the ways that I have looked at partners, work, or self only to have life spin me 180 so that I could see the exact same issue from the opposite perspective.
I remember so clearly, dating this one married man. He told me that his wife had given his full permission for him to have a lover. I was younger and didn't think to verify this with her; I trusted him and since I had done such careful work to open the relationship I was in at the time, assumed that he had done the same. We were having a beautiful love affair and our connection was golden. I had an online journal that I wrote in daily; it was pretty innocuous, and friends from all over the world kept in touch with my life through it. I woke up one morning to angry comments from a woman on a number of posts, and realized that they were from his wife. When I called him, it turned out that she had gone through his internet history and found emails between us, as well as my blog and was facing the full weight of his betrayal. I was mortified at having been deceived, and called my sister to get her advice. She told me to break up with him; that a man who was capable of displaying a lack of integrity like that to his wife would carry it forward in his life. We had been due to move in to a room in her shared house to carry on with our trysts, and that door was quickly shut, and she shared what was happening with everyone in her household. I talked at length with some trusted friends, and their advice was the same. That this style of betrayal would play itself out again in my own life if I stayed with him.
I remember thinking that there was no way that they could be right. He was out of love with his wife. She was controlling, angry, didn't give him what he needed sexually and was prone to drinking too much. He told me that it had been over for awhile and that I was simply a catalyst for change in his life. I stepped back from the relationship to give them time to sort things out and sent her a number of emails explaining to her that I had no idea that I was party to her deception, and sending her my respect and good intentions. She never wrote me back.
I met a girlfriend in the city for dinner, and after some text correspondence between him and I, he met us in the dimly lit restaurant. I was caught between feeling angry that I had been complicit in hurting someone else, and happy to see him. He walked with me outside, and insinuated himself on my physically, kissing me and telling me how much he missed me. It was so confusing. I went back to the friend's place that I was staying at, and wrote a long letter that I never gave to him that I recently refound while going through forgotten about drawers. About the feelings that came up inside of me when he asked me to compromise my own integrity for his own sexual and emotional pursuits. About how it felt to have been made the other woman, and for even now, him not to be respecting either woman by contacting me and applying pressure for physicality. I was free and clear to do what I saw fit in relationship, and was already in love with him. It was a terrible place to me.
We did end up making a partnership. Years later, the same thing did happen to me. Putting other women before our relationship even with us trying to be open in an honest way, pigeon-holing me tighter and tighter into a place of being unwanted, unloved, and increasingly insecure and controlling. It didn't take long for me, when standing in that woman's shoes from the exact opposite perspective to see my own past selfishness and ignorance for pursuing a relationship with a man so capable of deception and betrayal. Life had slowly but surely turned me around so that I could look at myself from the perspective that I had ignored in my compassion so many years prior. Working in counselling I wrote a long letter to her, and while I never sent it, it serves as a reminder to me.
I also watched the women that he chose to play out this same pattern with. Watched how they tried to have integrity and honor our marriage, but ultimately did what felt good and right for them. They compromised their own integrity at times, listened to his silky smooth words, and bought into the idea that I was a monster. They saw my suffering and insecurity as control and evilness. They played into the dynamics that brought out the same qualities in him as before, and the same qualities in me that his ex-wife had experienced. I knew what it was like to be them. Knew what it was like to be the object of his undiluted desire and to be gently and easily bent to compromise what was the truly correct thing to do. I swung between the anger that his ex-wife had experienced for me once upon a time to pleading with them to see my side, to apologizing to them for being so insecure. It was wretched. I watched myself behave in ways and chose misguided and inappropriate methods of trying to protect myself and our marriage that I experience a great deal of shame about, and work hard to be gentle and have compassion for my flailing self. To have a man look me in the eyes and swear on the life of his mother that he is telling you the truth, only to discover that he is not? They cannot know what that is like or have the perspective to know how that feels. I do, and that helps me soften against myself and his ex-wife, understanding the things that can be brought out of betrayal and pain.
The only perspective I have not experienced firsthand is his and I try to work through the judgement that I feel towards him to find compassion. I struggle to see things as he must have, at any time, and the grains of my lack of understanding slip through my fingers. I ask my friends, my family, and they have wisdom to share with me, love and support. I watch him grind his teeth and rail against me for my shortcomings, and refuse to do the same. I will continue to love him and hold him in my heart with sweetness no matter how much it hurts at times. It's the only way I will ever be able to understand his choices - to see them with my heart instead of my mind.
I think that is one of the most beautiful gifts that solidly developed friends and family give you. They can offer you that perspective that you cannot see in your own experience, and allow you to vision through what it would be like to see things from 180 degrees without having to actually live out that truth. Some of my teachers would argue that this is the path of life; to allow you to experience that which you need to grow your soul, and put you in the shoes of those that you have wronged, or who have wronged you so that you can heal the wounds inside of you and move forward with a more wholesome experience of self and life. I am beginning to see this, but also have gotten much more perceptive of warning signs that I would have simply ignored in my past.
When trusting someone, I look and see - are they truly trustworthy? Have the decisions that they made in their life built on been like mine? Are we people who have the same core values and come from the same place in our hearts and souls? I think about my partners at present - both are in counselling and are fearlessly facing their own demons regularly, as am I. Both are willing to invest in the talks needed to keep both of our sides of the street clear of our unhealthy patterns and come from a place of honesty and moral forthrightness. Both are self made and have their own careers that they have developed with diligence and discipline. Daith and I are on the same page financially, and sometimes we laugh that we should really record more of our conversations for a book that we are going to write together; we speak from our core values and the places inside of us that we allow to define the vast majority of our lives - honesty, integrity and respect, love and honour. Qualities that are increasingly rare in today's fast paced, multi-option world.
My ex bullies me. He shames me, harasses me and continues to violate agreements that we have made. I struggle with judgement and skewed perspective and context in his story, and feel what it must like to be shamed. I can see how I have done that to him in the telling of mine in the past, and my heart fills with compassion for both him and myself. Forgiveness springs from compassion in my process, and I can feel that blossom starting to open in the warmth of acceptance and hard work. Fearless. It's the only way to truly live a life - to be wide open to the perspectives that it offers you and see yourself from different angles until a whole self starts to emerge.
And so in context, and with perspective, I step forward into a new life. I never would have chosen some of the things that have unfolded in my life over the past couple of years, but I have experienced both successes and failures. I have kept my chin up and moved forward with my own wounded heart, and refused to allow judgments of others define my own experience. I continue to look for opportunities to put myself in other people's shoes and sit in meditation, looking at myself through other people's perspectives to see what truths and lessons lie for me in those contexts. Forgiveness is such an incredible gift to give oneself and others. It's a letting go of how we wanted things to be, and accepting life as it is and releasing oneself from previous versions of self.
Stayed up so late last night with Cereb talking and slept clean through the early morning. Days off are so fucking glorious for that. Listening to the ever wonderful S. Carey and dreaming of steaming cups of hot coffee and a good book in bed.
Beauty and Loyalty.
The sun streamed everywhere today; through the leaves in the trees, dappling every surface, catching itself in my hair and on my skin. Quiet at home, reading and drinking hot and sweet things, visiting with friends online, via text and in person. Hanging out on the patio talking about serendipity and fate, skateboards propped up in the hallway and friends joking in the kitchen.
Mid day I got a phone call from Viveka. She was horrified and incredulous as she informed me that my ex had taken it upon himself to harass her via facebook; yet more boundary transgressions. She told him in no uncertain terms how inappropriate and unwelcome his contact was. That was that. She doesn't dick around, this girl. It made me crave sexy times with her like nobody's business and sent me spinning in ERE for her. Cannot wait to cradle that fine jaw of hers along my palm and feel the quickening of her breath in my mouth.
Cereb picked me up after we couldn't stop talking on the phone, regaling me with stories and opinions over copious amounts of sushi. We could talk for eight years straight, I swear. God he makes me laugh my ass off. We sped down the roads like bats out of hell listening to the YeahYeahYeahs and waxing poetic about our lives. That man is good shit lollipop, and I cannot imagine him not being in my life.
Home to tidy up, my date arrived, her hair a hot mess of sexy curls and her tiny frame curled around me in a lingering hug. We spent six and a half hours talking, curled up within inches of each other, sipping wine I chose for her days ago and carving into a local cheese and specially chosen crackers for her dietary restrictions. Succulent strawberries and rich chocolate, spicy nuts and glasses of cool water. Feels good to care for those that I revere. My little dog curled up by her for pets as the night became black and the conversation took some interesting turns. I am curious. She is curious. We'll see what unfolds. Looks like we are going to some upcoming dance parties together, and I will certainly be hiking with her next week if circumstances allow.
Excited for Daith to come out for the week - we are slowly lengthening the amount of time that we spend together as my comfort and trust grows. We have a shit ton of stuff planned and I cannot wait to curl into his sizable frame and catch up in person - phone and Skype are nice but nothing beats real life. He sent me a massive bouquet of flowers that have permeated my entire livingroom with their scent. Roses and lilies, accompanied by one of his signature letters that he sends ahead to the florist. So romantic. He knows how to effortlessly invade my space and remind me of him constantly, and informs me of his plans for me upon his return.
Heading out for an adventure early morning tomorrow to celebrate a birthday and have a little getaway for the day. Lazy and fun Sundays, weekends of perfection. Have been coming to so many realizations and am looking forward to writing about them.
Life is so full of emotion and wonder. I love the depth and breadth of experience that one can have in a day, the multitude of connections with people, and the sense of purpose from a solid day's work. Satisfying.
Home to walk my dog in the sunshine and called Daith to catch up, hear about his weekend and connect. I was both shocked and dismayed to learn that my ex had not only contacted Viveka this weekend, but Daith as well. Same as with Viveka, he gave him a link to an online journal that he keeps and invited him to read it. It is hard for me to stay present and not get drawn into feelings of being violated, attacked and angry. Daith and I have outstanding communication, and I have never kept my failures or mistakes in my past relationships secret from him. There is nothing for him to discover there that he doesn't already know, and he has a very different take on things than my ex does, or than I even do for that matter. Regardless, he has no interest in reading it. He is understandably feeling very protective of me and is unimpressed with this behavior. It was challenging to talk about, and I found my PTSD symptoms coming up in great proliferation. He is on his way out to me tonight so that we can get a jump on our time together and spend some more time talking and reconnecting; a week is a long time to be away from each other.
I share the same qualities of loyalty and devotion as my partners and am glad of it. I don't commit lightly, and these two people live inside of my heart. Who they have been in past relationships has nothing to do with me; our relationship is our own, and it is what we make of it. Every person has the right to make mistakes, to learn from those mistakes, and to move forward. I love them as they are, in this moment, here and now. It is the same for them. Each day that passes with that shared experience only builds that love deeper and wider - 'tis the way of things. I am so looking forward to a time of peace, with no more harassment.
I must say, I admire your courage and determination to shake yourself off, learn from your mistakes and take steps towards living a life surrounded by people who love and accept you for you. Sounds to me like your ex is a bully that is trying to get attention by any means necessary. Sort of like a 5 year old jumping around saying, "look at me, pay attention to me!!!". What he needs is for everyone to turn their heads. Don't encourage the ridiculous behaviour and maybe just maybe he'll go away..one can only hope.
I know this story will have a happy ending, I am just sorry you had to endure such traumatic events.. here's to a brighter future!
Thanks Wiseyes. Focusing on my own behavior, being responsible for my choices and being compassionate to self and others feel like the right way forward for me. To respond to the brutality in others only perpetuates this inside of oneself; forgiveness and acceptance are at the core of all of us, if we give them space to breathe.
Daith is so massive in comparison with my tiny frame. I forget sometimes, until I'm in his arms, just how formidable he is. He pulls me to his broad, tattooed chest, his bristling beard tickling my chin as he kisses me hello, and within minutes we are wound around each other, making up for lost time and space together. He recently got a sizable piece of ink done for me accompanied by my name right where I rest my head; it is a personalized pillow of sorts when we are snuggling. We talk about our relationship and reconnect after a week apart. I can feel him grow tense, and hear his voice grow in intensity as he talks about how much he wants to protect me from further transgressions and violations of my privacy and feelings of safety in regards to my ex. I share with him that I have less of a need around these things not happening or being protected from them. I am more interested in the work that I am doing so that no matter what happens, I do not move away from my highest self. It is the ultimate test of self, and of my character, and I am proud of myself for rising above the places inside of me that do not serve me. His respect for me is carved in the granite of this last year together; he has witnessed my struggles and stood resolute beside me, picking me up and carrying me when I needed it, standing behind me, following me to new places inside of his heart, and gently pulling me into places of safety and relaxation when I have been in my darkest days. The days spent in spas, in cabins, running in the woods, and curled up with him in front of fires. The crinkles around his eyes when he smiles that easy, gentle smile that is just for me, and me alone. The absolute compassion and empathy inside of him.
I am so grateful for the clean lines of where he ends, and where I begin; the communication workshops that him and I invested thirty hours in have allowed us to shed some unhealthy and upsetting patterns that both him and I adopted in previous relationships and find ways through dark thickets into each other's truths. Understanding him is a constant revelation of his character, and I identify so much with his heart and the parts of him that make up the whole. We are both gentle hearts, and both desire healthy boundaries, respect and wholeness in our connection. We use the tools that we have learned, sometimes having to work hard at it, sometimes slipping into the structure easily and lightly. We are each otherís reminders of what we do, and do not want when we are navigating new courses together. It makes me feel honored and revered. This kind of communication is what I need in my life and it results in a feeling of deep trust; I would follow this man anywhere, and have as much faith in his judgment as much as I do in my own. Experiencing this feeling of safety is a beautiful gift. Without trust I experience insecurity, and that insecurity brings up my biggest struggles in relationship and self; my darkest corners, and my worst decisions happen when I feel unsafe and forced into non-consensual places.
He knows to be a bit cautious when talking about about the future he would like with me. I still have healing to do before I will be ready for this, but it's a beautiful intent nonetheless. Bit by bit the feelings of disloyalty to my old life fade away, and I am increasingly able to talk about a potential life together without it feeling like an overwhelming betrayal. I am no longer saving myself for what WAS, and am able to face forward and see what IS. He wants to move out my way and purchase a place for us to start anew in; most likely in a different city to enable us both to accommodate our careers, hobbies, family and friends. We talk about the legally binding financial agreement that will suit us best; I am adamant that neither of us tempt fate as we have both learned some valuable lessons in that regard. Feeling secure and clear is a good thing, and each party knowing exactly how things would look if parties were to separate gets rid of the possibility of misinterpretation or feelings of entitlement that both of us have experienced in our previous partners. It helps greatly that we are starting out on an equal footing; that has not been our experience in the past, and we have paid dearly for it both financially and emotionally.
I am looking forward to Viveka and Iís plans to see an upcoming concert. We had initially thought that we would do a hotel sleepover on the same night, but it looks like we might go to a double-date dance party with our primaries instead. We've hung out as a group a few times now, and it's been a lot of fun. Our men connect easily and get along well, and are both super supportive of our relationship. Metamours! There is some talk of us all going to a crazy kink party that is happening over the course of a weekend at the end of the summer; Daith already got us tickets, and Iíd love to be there as a group.
Been doing a ton of hiking lately; ran the same mountain multiple times last week and am steadily shaving off time and gaining some mad muscle. Want to head up tonight as well, and will likely take my usual pack of dogs with me. They love it; launching themselves up the trails ahead of me and wearing themselves completely out by the time we get back to the car. Their owners are pretty grateful, and my dog loves the playtime and company.
Cereb and I talk on the phone about love and distance. Time and distance doesn't seem to affect my heart much, nor does changing the structure of a relationship. There is love inside of me for someone, and that never fades; if there is hurt around a breakup, that fades over time, but the love itself remains fully intact. I can remember what it was like to fall in love with someone, the connection we had, and it stays inside of me. It's like a strange sort of respect and reverence that cannot be shifted or altered. I think it's one of the reasons that I have always identified as 'poly'. My love extends easily and freely into friendships. Love is the biggest joy in my life, and I focus it into all that I do - work, friendship, my home, relationships, pets, community - I work to cultivate the parts of me that shine light, and bring the pieces of me that are damaged, broken or hurt into other's light and my own vision to bring lasting love, and a shift of dynamic of them. Love is my ultimate truth and anything outside of that seems to be a challenge to reconnect with that love and softness inside of me - a test to return to the present and connect to my heart and self.
I have known huge love in my life. I have know passion, connection and true, unadultered commitment in my heart. I am so grateful for the incredible beauty in these gifts, and carry the lessons of the depths of self and soul that come from truly relinquishing your heart and becoming one with another human being.
So, you're back. New name, new blog. New life, I guess.
Mags: Long story. As always, reading your blog and sending you respect.
Nothing like getting a foot rub from your man while I read out loud to us in bed, then destroying each for the rest of the evening. Life is pretty damn sweet. Came home last night to all manner of projects in full swing; lawn mowed, weed whacking done, hot tub serviced, new hooks for tools up in the garage, new deck covering in the back, kitchen tidied. I am damn spoiled. Acts of service are my #1 love language, and it was pretty nice to come home to. We went out for a delicious dinner and made eyes at each other across the table - for once he sat across from me instead of beside me, and it was nice to see his face during a meal, LOL. Romantical.
The men in my life these days sure do bring me a lot of happiness. Not in a romantic sense; I'm not into that. I tried that, and it's just not for me. I prefer one man in my life to love in a romantic sense and fuck. I mean deep friendships that sustain me and offer me the male perspective on life. I'm too committed inside of my heart to my man for that - I wasn't like that when I was younger, but as I grow older my propensity for that kind of thing has slipped away. Women, yes. Men, no.
Cereb and I have been growing closer, and I was chuffed the other day when he was telling a story to me in which he referred to me as his best friend. He's an intensely private person and an actual genius. I wrangled his IQ out of him after months of harassing him 'it doesn't matter, it doesn't count for anything' he says, but it's still well over the 200 mark, which practically makes him a mythical creature in the world. We run mountains, cook and eat together (correction, I cook, he eats), go for sushi, see movies, and he's pressuring me into getting a bike so that we can wheel around in the sunshine together. We like to smoke jays and lounge in the hot tub or just sit and drink copious amounts of tea and talk and talk and talk. He has a collection of awesome silk robes - one is gold with a massive dragon that I cannot wait for him to wear over. He kills me in his uniqueness and unfettered connection to self. He is relatively emotionless, and completely non-judgmental which is utterly lovely. We have long, winding conversations that often last until 2 in the morning if we're not careful. Before I knew this, I stayed up until five a couple of times talking to him and slept until noon for the first time since I was a hormonal teenager. He's intensely in love with an ex of his, and his heart is spoken for forever inside of her - I understand this, and we talk frequently of what this feels like - to have the person that you thought you were meant to be with, not with you. I am hopeful for him with his love.... I think he may very well be my first ACTUAL legitimate guy friend, and not just a dick-in-disguise. I can be intensely naive when it comes to these things. More often than not I have no idea if a man is interested in me. I talked to him about my desire for our relationship to stay platonic and he actually scoffed that I thought it could be any different. I almost peed my pants, because in essence, it's the reaction that I expect from most men, and almost never get. I think Daith was a bit suspicious of it all in the beginning, but as their friendship grows, and we hang out in a group for a movie or a hike, I can see him actually realizing that there is zero of anything there.
Petto and I are also big into tea and talks. He has been through a gut-wrenching divorce and we talk through that process - he's some time out, so his perspective is helpful for me. He still wears his wedding ring, and we talk about the battle inside of our hearts around still feeling married no matter what the courts say. That's a tough one for me, as my heart belonged so intensely to my ex - I committed my life to him, and breaking that promise is a bit like carving it right out of my chest. We bond over that shit. We're both introspective and somewhat solitary at our cores, and share space in a way that only two introverts really can. He's solid and easy going and is big into alternative ways of thinking about the world. We watch documentaries and go dog walking together. He is just one of those steady, solid, reliable dudes who feels best when he is doing something. His place is so incredibly masculine, tidy and orderly. I love it when people do shit like line up all of their tools and things in perfect order - OCD is in my blood, and I am an incredibly tidy person. When I'm in a house like Cereb's I just want to fucking scrub everything - reminds me of that Friends episode where Monica shows up at some guy's house trying to get in there and clean his place because she heard it was messy, LOL. I have no idea what he thinks about me as a woman, but it doesn't matter, as I'm indefinitely off the market. I convince myself it is the same as Cereb's, but am not close enough to him that I would have that same conversation as of yet. Him and Daith hang out sometimes when he's out visiting me, and they get along well - it's all very manly between them, and they bond over things I can't even understand. Different language. He is increasingly important to me, and I have a feeling that he's going to be in my life for quite some time.
Alma is a philosophical sort. We talk a lot about our souls, the growth that we need, and the interconnectedness of all things. He is my late night walking friend. We drink Jager and talk until the late hours, and I feel the tortured artist in him. He needs a muse, and it pours out of him into his craft; he is a gifted, creative, pensive soul with a twinkle in his eyes. He's significantly older than me. We practice yoga together, he teaches me Qigong and we're big into watching thoughtful movies together. He's a chef by trade and cooks me some pretty amazing meals, me perched on the counter while we share thoughts and drinks. He comes from a troubled past, and has been sorting his life out over the past while; we bond over that, and keep each other grounded in honesty about our internal process. He recently had his heart fed to him by his girlfriend and it's been sad to watch him moping about that when we hang out... just wish I could make it better, and I suppose in my own way I am - it's his birthday on Saturday and I'm going to do a few things to let him know how much I care about him.
Arzillo is young, peppy and full of vim. Always tanned from being outside, up on a mountain, he is positive, bright and full of life. I like his serendipitous approach to life, and how many stories he has for such a young man. He has experienced the transformative power of selfless service and loving those that you wouldn't have if you didn't open yourself up to live in its fullness. Listening to your gut, and allowing those people to be pulled into your sphere when moved to do so. He's thoughtful and gentle mannered, and getting to know him is pretty delightful thus far. I think we will be good friends. He's a DJ and we're talking about putting on a mobile show in a huge truck for shits and giggles.
My date on Thursday/Saturday certainly was interesting. She's a photographer amongst other art mediums, and we're going to do a shoot for a present for Daith's birthday sometime in the next week or so. It will be interesting to have her bind my wrists, etc. for different shots that we have planned, and I am curious to see what unfolds with her experience of being a voyeur of me, for Daith. Kind of hot right at its centre. Daith and I are going for a photo shoot with the two of us, but it will be much more PG, more to celebrate our anniversary than anything else, and give us an excuse to canoodle with each other.... like we need one of those ;)
More appointments to tidy up my past and finally be able to get to a place where the last of the cords can be cut and I can step forward unfettered. My mistakes are in the past, and I'm glad that I have the opportunity to look back at them with more objectivity and learn from them. Self-reflection with love and gentleness in my heart is the shit. No shaming, no judgment. Growth, forgiveness and grace. Always.
Woke up to sun streaming through my blinds this morning, cracked them wide and watched the entire room turn gold. Daith redid my bedroom for me some months ago, and picked a lovely pale cream color for my walls. They look beautiful normally, but on fire in those rays it was like my whole room was the sun. I snuggled into him and we chatted about the rest of our weeks. It's odd how I don't feel sad when he leaves - just excited for the next time that I see him. Felt very domestic, having breakfast together and tidying up the kitchen. He's off for a big work day, and has several seriously demanding days in his future, so I will likely go visit him in his neck of the woods.
I love his place. A loft with soaring ceilings, and everything is just so. He customized the entire place when he moved in; he even designed the new sofa bed in his place and they built it just for him. He has such a particular aesthetic, and such a keen eye for what looks good together. His style is very clean and modern, I'm more of a cozy type in my home, but I think there is solid middle ground.
He badly wants to build a place with me. That level of commitment is beyond me at present, but it doesn't keep us from perusing house porn and commercial real estate together. We have some ideas for development that really appeal to both of us, and like the idea of running a couple of businesses together. It's interesting to be part of such an ambitious and capable partnership; my ideas just happen, his ideas just happen. All of the tension that I used to feel when working on projects just fade away. It's easy to brainstorm together, and I've been enjoying working side by side with him. He's got a great style of teamwork and leadership that I really respond to. We built this great clothesline in my backyard last summer, and I cannot wait to hang laundry on it and have that sunshine smell in all of my linens and outfits. Delicious.
Viveka texted me this morning; she was up inexplicably early today and has a strange headstart on her day that she's not used to. I have to giggle, as I'm such an early riser during the week, and I think that the only time she really gets up early normally is when she stays over at my place. Got all the love in my heart for this sweet girl. She's damn supportive of me, and I'm getting all antsy for time with her. I crave her. That's the only way I can think to describe it. I think about her and things happen to my body :rolleyes: She'll be out again soon - her and her primary are moving next month so hunting for a new place and getting mentally prepared and organized for all of that is dominating her experience a lot of the time. I'm excited for them to have their own place, and really be able to solidify their love. They are so adorable together, and he makes her heart sing, which makes me equally happy. I have a lot of respect for him, and for them as a couple.
Had to reschedule my Monday night date with Marka as I had a friend in crisis who needed to talk for a long time on the phone. She was really gracious and sweet about it - we have an easygoing connection that doesn't require a lot of maintenance. I want to take her on a picnic for our next date and lay on a blanket. She loves wine and massages and talking endlessly. I love the quality of our communication and her fine mind.
I guess I'm waiting to see what unfolds with Marka and Dreamer, the other lady I have been on three dates with. I would like one more girlfriend, someone more local to go to yoga with, have midweek sleepovers with and enjoy this beautiful weather with. I am unattached, as I find so much satisfaction with Daith & Viveka, but my time with both of them can be limited depending on what is going on with all of our lives. I could see being friends or lovers with both of these ladies. Marka is poly, Dreamer is not so much, and I feel like she is looking more for a wife than a casual girlfriend. She exited an exceedingly abusive relationship some years ago, and has not even really gotten back into dating. She is adamant that she will only date women, but it seems like she has a picture in her head of what she wants, and I am definitely not that. For now we are going to be friends, but the curiosity in her is always bubbling up, especially around being Dommed by a woman. We'll see.
I used to get myself into such a flurry about it all. Those days are over. That initial flush of date-all-the-people is long gone from me, and it's more about really investing in the partnerships that I'm in, and being very cautious about who I invite into my circle.
Weekend is almost here. My week has been so solid and good despite stuff that is way outside of my control happening that would have once really upset me. Having Daith out gave everything that extra icing of good on top. Cereb and I are due for a mountain and sushi, and I want to tease him for continually not doing the shit that he's supposed to and riding bikes instead. He's such a pleasure hound.
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